I Don't Fake Well

This last week, Sweet YankeeBelle released a new song that is just so perfectly suited for the woman I am hoping to grow into as I lean harder into my authentic self to try to stay healthy.

I don't know how people do it. Fake feelings, fake energy. I can't even fake a hello to someone I don't like.

Right away she seems to be someone I can relate very well to! I try to fake hello to people I dislike sometimes, but what comes out is what has been labeled as a growl that is menacingly threatening without my single use of a threat... opps!

I don't rehearse emotions. I don't practice faces.

Ok, so I used to do that. I have now decided that it is way too much work for the tiny success that I had doing so... socially and friendship speaking, of course!

What you see is what showed up. No filter, no performance. If my smile is there, it earned his place.

This is now mostly true - and I rarely expend the energy to perform emotions for people.

I don't nod alone politely when respect didn't walk in. I don't pretend comfort when my spirit feels off. I don't fake well, never learn how. If it's forced, it doesn't leave my mouth. I don't play nice for convenience. I play honest for my own peace.

This hit hard for me. I am honest, but I try to be kind with my honesty. I try to be polite even when disrepected, but I won't agree with you if you are wrong.

Some folks greet you with tension. Hidden under manners. Laugh through resentment. Smile through dislike.

I know several people who do this. I was totally confused by how manipulative they chose to be.

That couldn't be me. My face tells the truth before my mouth even tries.

Unfortunately, yes - my face may be muted in reactions, but when you see it, you can't unsee it.

If I say hello, it's genuine. If I don't, that's not rude. That's clarity.

Ok, so this one I disagree with because sometimes I don't hear you, or I don't see you, or I am too overwhelmed to speak... BUT I will say that if I do not like you, I will not be wasting my precious breathes (I don't know when I will die!!!) on small talk for your comfort or image. Leave me alone -- or be prepared for my to give you clarity: I do not like you and do not want to speak with you.

I don't confuse silence with weakness or politeness with permission. I can be respectful without being available. Not every space gets my energy. Not every person gets access.

This line is powerful and I understand that sometimes silence is the strongest thing in the situation or room. I also can be polite and respectful without giving you permission to have access to me or my energy.

I don't fake well. It shows too fast. I can't pretend comfort if I don't feel it. The energies off. I step back. Protecting my peace isn't personal.

I used to fake very well, but I have been working hard to not cover for other people's choices and decisions. I also can't force through my own uncomfortability like I used to do. My peace has become something I hold very dear. I want to protect it more than anything else - and since my peace hinges on my children's wellbeing - they are protected along with my peace!

I've learned the difference between being kind and being drained. Between staying civil and staying stuck.

I am still learning the difference here. My therapist always shocks me when she reiterates: badmouthing is like calling names - NOT simply stating what occurred and how it affected you.

I don't bring enthusiasm to people who bring none. I save my warmth for places that feel safe in my time for effort that shows up. I don't force conversations just to seem agreeable. I don't smile on command or soften truth to keep others comfortable. I've outgrown pretending to belong where I don't.

I do not give away my support to people who are simply using me and save my energy and time for those who are safe and reliable. I have been working on not trying to force conversations as well as not agreeing to something out of fear. I can smile on command, but it is often followed with: "Ok, you can stop now..." My Mom says that I bare my teeth not smile! *giggles* I am well on my way to almost always refuse to pretend to belong where I don't belong as well.

I don't fake well, never have. I'd rather be quiet than counterfeit kind. I don't breed out of habit or speak out of pressure.

Yep! I often am quiet to stay kind: "if you have nothing productive to say, don't say anything at all." Also, silence doesn't typically trigger me unless I was already triggered... I actually find it interesting how much I can learn by simply silently gathering my thoughts after I asked a question.

What you get from me is the real thing. If I keep it short, pay attention. If I stay distant, there's history there.

There is always a reason why I stay distant... and oftentimes, my emotional distant tells how much an individual negatively affected me.

I don't do drama. I do boundaries set without announcements. Without announcements, without announcements.

I relate to this so well, but I think boundaries need to be clearly announced. Quietly followed, yes, but announced - otherwise, how will others know what your expectations are or get to know you?

I don't know how people fake their feelings. I never wanted to learn.

Ok, well I also don't know how to fake a feeling, but I used to want to know and learn how to do that.

I can't even fake a hello. And I'm okay with that.

I am learning to love my authenticity. *smile*

Hope y'all enjoyed! What song would you recommend for me?