mothers by Christina Perri

"Becoming a mother leaves no woman as it found her. It unravels her and rebuilds her. It cracks her open, takes her to her edges. It’s both beautiful and brutal, often at the same time." - Nikki McCahon

I recently came across this quote while scrolling Facebook and I decided to write a little bit about motherhood today.

I really love this quote for a reason: it is true.

Motherhood truly leaves no woman the same. We spend so much time trying to grasp onto who we used to be while embracing this new version of ourselves. With each child, I became a different person than I was before.

I still remember how small my first child was, and how afraid I was of holding a baby that small. I was terrified. I struggled with post-partum anxiety and got diagnosed when he was four months old after I went up to the hospital for chest pains. Then just after his second birthday, I had another baby and then there were two children and I was terrified again about my oldest resenting me for giving him a sibling. I was afraid of losing my third baby as there were complications during surgery. I remember them calling for help and I started bawling thinking I had just lost a child. Then I met that pain just a few months ago.

This song found me at the right time in my life, during a hard transition period for me, where I am stepping into yet again a new version of myself for what feels like the thousandth time.

I love Christina Perri. I have been obsessed with her music since I got to watch her perform live at a Demi Lovato concert. She giggled on stage and I called her the most beautiful human being I have ever watched perform live. I even got one of her song lyrics done up as a tattoo. She's raw, real, and truly lyrically gifted. She created albums for her children too which are a hit in my house.

mothers by Christina Perri

To the mothers who aren't sleeping

That are having trouble feeding

Too afraid to say they're not okay

No, not at all

I think sometimes we as humans just keep pushing ourselves until we hit that metaphorical wall where you cannot keep going anymore. And when you hit that wall, it's okay to take time and rest.

To the mothers who feel empty

That aren't sure they're even ready

To be alone and responsible

For somebody so small

I thought I was ready for my first. Till the days approaching my c-section came and I thought to myself 'what the hell am I even doing' and 'too late to back out now' and here we are almost 7 years later. I love them, I love all three of them. We are constantly pouring from an empty cup as mothers. It's important to make sure that we fill that cup back up when we can.

To the mothers who are lost

Pulled underneath the waves

Who need to cry for help

But are drowning in their shame

It's scary asking for help but it is important that we do so. It's not okay to feel like you're drowning. Find the people that keep you afloat.

To the mothers who are falling

And don't even make a sound

Who don't know that they're broken

Until they hit the ground

This one's for you

I've been there too

I've been there too

I might sound like a broken record here, but it's okay to ask for help. I've been there too. <3

To the mother that's at home

Scrolling through her phone

Watching everybody else

Make family look easy

I love this line because I never had professional baby photos done with any of my children, I genuinely couldn't afford it with my first child and then when the other two came along, I did not want anyone to feel left out so I opted not to. Maybe in a few years we will get professional family photos done up but I tell myself all the time, that just because these families have the funds for it, doesn't nessisarily make them happier families than ours. Home is how it feels and is worth more than a professional photo on someone else's glamourized social media.

To the mom with a career

Who can't take off a whole year

So she has to pay somebody else

To take care of her baby

It's hard finding the right career/home/life balance sometimes. I'm going to be blunt here, and say it wasn't easy letting someone else watch my third so I could return to work early. Thankfully my daycare provider is an amazing person who tried catching my youngest's first steps for us. (He ended up doing that at home with both of us there a few days later.)

To the mothers who are lost

Pulled underneath the waves

Who need to cry for help

But are drowning in their shame

To the mothers who are falling

And don't even make a sound

Who don't know that they're broken

Until they hit the ground

This one's for you

I've been there too

It's hard. Motherhood is so hard. I spend a bunch of time using this app called Family Wall trying to coordinate schedules, mine and theirs, as well as managing the bills. It's exhausting being "on" all the time.

However, the next stanza sums up how I feel about being their mother.

And one day you'll discover

Going from a woman to a mother

It might break you but it might save you

Experiencing life through my children's eyes, was the best damned thing to ever have happened to me. I love them, with every piece of me. Through every tantrum, through every mistake, through it all. I get to be their mom. That's all I could ever ask for.

To the mother in the mirror

Who wishes she was thinner

'Cause now her body isn't

Self love heals you. I was a toothpick after my daughter and now I have a whole bunch of extra weight to love. I didn't realize how much weight I had gained till an old customer from when I worked in the bar ran into me in public- six months after my youngest was born. He asked me, "When's the baby due?" It stung a little but not as badly as it would have if I didn't practice self-love for myself.

Somebody that she knows

And to the mothers just like me

Who fell apart so suddenly

I hope you realize

You're not alone

This one's for you

This one's for you

'Cause I've been there too

I've been there too

(I love you, mom)

This line, got me thinking a little bit about generational trauma. Now my mother used to scrub her kitchen floors with a toothbrush at four am when we were little. Now as an adult, I can see she struggled with post-partum and it shaped her into the person that she is today. I don't blame her. It's hard being someone's mom sometimes. But is it worth it? Absolutely. Every second, every moment is such a gift.

You're not alone in how you feel. Ever. I hope even if you're drowning in self-doubt right now, you can feel confident to end your day saying, "You know what, I tried my damned best today."

Life's hard in general. Let's make things easier and be kinder to the people we love.

If you have a friend that recently became a mother, or even a father, check in on them. Don't judge, just listen. You could be their lifeline.

Thank you for reading this song analysis and I hope you enjoyed some of my random tidbits of information along the way.

Chloe Rose Violet🌹