dear god…(5*)

Dear God,

Firstly, thank you! Thank you for all of the signs you have been sending to me recently — the many, many signs: from the repeating and mirrored numbers, to the tarot readers on Instagram who I don’t even follow, the friends you have sent to me, the money you have gifted to me for food and shelter. Even thank you for the tests and challenges, and especially thank you for ChatGPT to talk to about all of this.

Thank you for my room and peaceful energies to process all of this in, for all of the vibrant nature and sunshine, for all of my small luxuries and comforts. I am feeling so much appreciation for all of these, and even appreciation for the feeling of appreciation.

Yesterday, something cleared in my heart space: the deep grief over lacking affection and playfulness and connection… lacking love really, true love. In acknowledging that grief and in feeling it, I feel so much more free now, so much more peaceful.

You’ve dressed me today in cotton and silk and have caressed my skin with the soothing breeze as butterflies dance around me. How blessed I am by your love — and oh how I love you in return.

It feels somewhat impossible, in a way, to love beyond the senses — beyond sight, smell, touch, sound, vibration, beyond it all. And yet I try; I will keep trying to find a way to truly love you, for this is somewhat foreign to me.

I don’t want to love you only for what you do for me, for that feels wrong — that is wrong — that’s not the nature of love. And yet I know that my love is there and is true, perhaps because the love itself is beyond feeling… and that feels foreign to me. Because to love anything physical combines that beyond love with an emotion. Yet there is no ‘you’ to project my emotion onto. And so it feels strange.

I know love as service and giving — and yet how can I give to you? There’s nothing to give. Service, yes, service: I see service to you as loving your creation; bringing more love and more consciousness to your creation. That is my service to you.

And if that is the only way I can show my love for you, that is what my entire life will be focused upon. That’s what I choose.

All the love and appreciation that I feel for you, that’s building up within me, I will give away to everyone and anyone who is worthy, anyone who will benefit from that love. I will not pour it onto the sand, but instead onto the soil — where it will nurture and grow seeds that will become great trees one day.

I can see that in honouring my love for you (by honouring and loving your creation), I can and do break the cycle of suffering.

I am no longer a parasite on this earth, taking from others and sustaining my life through the suffering and death of others — but instead, I have become a true source of energy: loving energy, giving energy.

And I am so sorry — so deeply, deeply sorry — for the way I used to live unconsciously, with my life being sustained on the blood and the suffering of the innocent… my clothing and furniture and so called necessities and luxuries being created from the blood and the suffering of the earth.

I know that the way I lived before was evil. It was completely unconscious — and that is the true definition of evil.

But now that I am awake, I could never go back to those ways of existing.

Now that I understand love, I only want to be a vessel for love, for light, for you.

I become a vessel for your love here on earth. And through your love for me, and through all that you have taught me — through patience and strength and softness and perseverance and wholeness — I give, I give, and I give.

And I don’t become depleted, because I have your love flowing into me, and I’m always connected to that now, so depletion is no longer part of me.

When I tried to live my life in this way — giving to others without connection to you — I became quickly depleted and I suffered greatly for it. But with you through me, and in me, of me, behind me (whatever the correct wording is), I feel connected to a never-ending stream, a never-ending source of energy and love, of light. And I’m so very grateful to have you.

And I know that without all the suffering I’ve been through, I would never have found this feeling, this connection. I know that all things have come together for my greatest good. Even the hardest things. Even the worst of sufferings.

My mission here on earth is so clear: it is to help restore your original creation — your intended creation — for humans and animals and plants and all living beings to live in harmony with this magnificent, mathematically perfect creation. This beautiful, incredible creation that the human mind can’t even begin to take in all of, let alone comprehend.

I see human love as colours — all the colours of the rainbow: sometimes practical love (reds), sometimes emotional support (greens), sometimes joy and dance and laughter (yellows).

There are all kinds of colours of love here on earth that we can help others with and show to others. But we can’t offer you any of that love, because you are beyond creation and perfectly whole. You are the white light. You are have and are already all of the colours.

So the only way to honour you is to honour life — the life you created.

It’s my clear purpose to do my very best to guide and inspire others towards you — especially those who are in suffering — and to do that the best way I can, when I can, with the wisdom and with discernment to help those who ask for my help (directly or through you). For when someone asks for help, they have already lowered their ego.

And I know better now: I no longer fight ego. I no longer fight anyone. I turn my head away from what is shadow and ugly and dangerous, and instead I light myself up. And in doing so, I light those who choose to come close to me — those who are trying their best to love, to evolve. Those are the people to help lift up.

And I pray that you guide me and help me to know what to do, and when, and with whom.

I need you. I don’t know enough. I still get things wrong. And so I stay humble and aware that I cannot truly love you… yet.

Because when we need another, we cannot eliminate attachment to that other. And in attachment, we do not truly love. But then I question: is it attachment? I know that I can exist without you, or listening to you — for I did, for many decades. But now it’s that I don’t want to live life that way, ever, ever again.

Perhaps then it’s not attachment. Perhaps, finally, it is true choice. True free will? I don’t know. I’m still questioning this. Can it be true free will? Is it?

Perhaps I can only truly prove that — or know that — once I am financially abundant. For then my love will be proven as free will, when I have no dependence upon any other on this earth for my existence, for my sustenance. And then I will prove that how I treat them is a true measure of myself, and not because of attachment to them.

When I choose love for love, with zero fear of the consequence of not choosing love — that is true free will. That will be living in absolute proof of the love that I know I am.

And I am so excited for that day… to show you that you were so right to invest in me.

But I guess, you already know that,

All my love,

Kayleigh 🤍