A meeting with my lost self

Self, have you ever taken a minute out of your life to think about yourself? What do you wish for in the future? Is this my future? Do I wish that I would get my life together and start again? Do I deserve to get my life together?

I read all the psychology books. I listened to a LOT of podcasts (and trust me, I mean, like two or three of those motivational podcasts a day on Youtube or Spotify). There’s even a blog, but that’s not what I write. I write fiction. So now I’m writing this journal entry so I don’t forget myself, I guess. I can’t help but wonder if this is how you feel when you take your time to think about things You’re not the same person you were yesterday or yesterday week or whatever. Maybe I should be more honest with myself. I need to stop overthinking and sit down with myself.

So, today after listening to some random motivational playlist and tidying up my room cause I still need to adult, I decided to sit down on the floor in front of the mirror in my bedroom and try to meet myself. Will I like what I find?

I stared at my reflection. My hair was messy up in a bun, and my eyes were red from crying too much and not getting enough sleep, but they weren’t swollen because I cried myself out. They were dry. The skin around my eyes said a big hello with lovely bags under them. For a while now, I've been avoided looking into mirrors. I have to confess that I'm scared. I'm scared to look deep inside me and begin the process of changing. I know I need to because I can't go on like this, but I'm scared not of the work I'll need to put in, but of the disappointment, I'll feel with myself.

I'm afraid of being rejected by myself. I don't want to disappoint myself. The whole point of writing this journal entry was to write it out, but now my head is spinning, and I don't know what to do anymore. It's a really weird feeling so nervous. I don't remember being like this before. You know, once upon a time, I was this incredible young woman that felt on top of the world. Now I look in the mirror, and all I see is a shadow of a broken person.

I feel old, but I know I'm not. I feel broken, but I am aware of how to heal. I feel worthless and ugly, but other people tell me differently.

I don't know who I am anymore, which scares me more than anything because it feels like I'm falling apart. On the outside, everyone sees this independent strong woman working her butt off, travelling and enjoying life. On the inside, I'm lonely, broken and frozen.

But today has been step 1. Today I had the courage to meet my self for the first time in a long time. It will be a long, hurting process, but I'll get there.

I took a deep breath, and stood up. I started walking to the door, and when I reached it, I looked back at the mirror one last time. I tried to force a smile. Looking into the mirror, I saw a tired, sad but strong woman hiding. This was a new beginning. A chance to heal myself and grow stronger. That’s what I wanted, isn’t it? I wanted to be able to stand up on my own again. To look someone in the eye and say that I am okay. I wanted someone who could love me unconditionally. I wasn’t ready for that yet, though. It seemed too sudden and too scary. But I knew that this was the best thing for me right now. If I had kept my distance until I felt confident, I might never learn to trust myself again. And I needed to find myself before that happened.

So, I smiled at the mirror and said, “Goodbye, my reflection. You won’t always be here.” I opened the door and went downstairs for lunch. After lunch, I was going to visit some friends.

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