Confessions of a mother.

Our country doesn’t seem to value the lives of our children, women are being forced to have babies but there’s no guarantee our children will ever see the walls of a middle school or even graduate and go to college. Imagine if when you had a baby and they’re telling you the weight and length they also say “you have 6 years until your child is murdered in their classroom just before recess, congratulations mama!” What would you do? Because they don’t tell you that, instead they let you take your baby home thinking you’ll be allowed to watch them grow into an adult with goals and dreams.

I’m fearful taking my kids to the grocery store, who are these strangers? What are their intentions? Where can we hide if something goes wrong? Can I carry my kids and run fast enough to save them? Could I fight off a predator? Where is the outrage from parents who want to protect their kids? If we put ourselves in the shoes of parents who have gone through this, who have had to put their child in the ground maybe we wouldn’t be in this position. Becoming a parent is a beautiful experience but also now equally frightening. I have two children and I would literally die for my kids but how can I say that when they could be killed trying to learn their ABC’s ? I can’t be in the classroom with them, so how can I protect them? Now I feel as if I’m forced to homeschool them in order for them to reach their 10th birthday.

I’m a young parent, sometimes I doubt that I know which path is the right path and not only for my children but for myself. Every choice I make affects my children greatly, that pressure keeps me up at night. I know I want my kids to have a better childhood then I had, but how do I know I’m not walking the same path as my parents did ? A silent battle I feel every parent has to go through.

Discipline; Breaks my heart to have to raise my voice to my child when even I know they only have pure intentions but how to I get my child to understand we do not hit when in fact others are saying to hit or in other words spank. I’m not big on confrontation and I fear my children won’t be either. How do I know when my child is even old enough to be disciplined? No one every told us what age was appropriate to hold them accountable for their actions. This keeps me up at night.

There is this off general fear of a child being born with disabilities. They can detect if your child has Down syndrome before their even born and they let you know you have “options” as if Down syndrome would make your child less deserving of life. Society has such high standards even a child who needs extra attention and love can not meet the criteria. I’ve never understood how you could give your child standards before they’ve even been born, isn’t the goal healthy and happy? Should you be a parent if a disability is standing between you and having a child ?

I feel as though postpartum depression isn’t taken seriously by medical professionals let alone our own friends and family. They hand you a 8 question paper on if you are suicidal, depressed or happy, why can’t they take 10-15 minutes to just talk as humans and read the look in your eyes when you answer? If I’m being honest I don’t think any type of mental health is taken seriously, I know lots of famous people advocate for it but we’ve never really seen a decrease in the suicide death rates. Please correct me if I’m wrong.

School buses; why do we trust them? Seems like a silly questions but you stack 40-50 children on a buses with no seat belts and we are just content with that being safe? When I was in middle a school, my school bus went off road into a ditch and most injuries were due to kids being thrown from their seats. Ever since then I get extremely anxiety being in any vehicle that doesn’t have any form of protection. I understand that seat belts don’t guarantee that you’ll be safe but you can’t deny that it helps.

Co-Sleeping ; this one is from what I seen a very big no no but it’s been very successful for me. I’ve done it with my first child and now my second. It could be because my reflexes are great, I’m a light sleeper and I wake up to any sound or movement. I think it builds a better bond with your children. I will admit I do have fears that me doing this is selfish and putting my children at risk. I’ve only known one child who passed from SIDS and it was the scariest experience. I had no children at the time, she did not sleep with her mother or father, she slept in a crib. Her parents did everything right and still suffered a great loss.

Am I wrong for not allowing family to change my children’s diapers? Or allowing my kids to be alone in rooms with adult family members? My husband got offended when I asked him not to allow our son to be in his uncles room with the door shut. It’s clear I’ve been through certain things growing up, I’m just trying to protect my child. Do I need to let everyone know my reasoning? Or is it my right as a mother to have the final say.

I feel disconnected with my generation of mothers when it comes to intrusive thoughts after having a baby. I’ve seen videos about it, they think “what if I tossed the baby across the room” or more recently I saw a video where a mother questioned if her intentions were pure when looking at her children… does that not sound similar to a certain type of bad person or is it just me? I feel as if sometimes mothers (even fathers I suppose) justify certain things and say it’s because “postpartum depression” but if you look at it another way we would never allow a stranger to admit something as foul as that just because they are depressed. I’m not sure if every mother feels this or somehow only the mothers on my social feeds but I certainly cannot relate. I can’t even fathom the thought of my child getting hurt nevertheless being the one to hurt them.

These are my fears and my confessions. I am a mother but I’m also human. Thank you for letting me share.