My Hero!

Dear Alcohol,

It has been 17 months since our last romantic rendezvous. It was quite a night that we had together. Just you and I, alone on the open road. Night air flowing through the old blue Dodge's windows. The moonlight provided all the light we needed to find our way while traveling those country roads. Lake Erie waves crashed angrily against the soft sandy shore. Holding hands, I imagined us walking into those waves and drifting away together. The water swaddled us like a blanket while the rocking waves lullabied us into an internal sleep. I always thought together we would go out Bonnie and Clyde style. At the last moment, rather than drive off the cliff with you - I jerked the wheel and took a rapid turn. You floated through the air free; while I sat behind the wheel paralyzed. I am sorry, I abandoned you to save myself. However, I am eternally grateful to you!

You were always there for me for as long as I can remember! We would sneak away and have quick affairs together. My beloved, how you comforted me so. There were so many moments over the years that without you by my side, I would not have survived, let alone flourish as I did. No matter what happened, you were a certainty in my life that always made me feel good, even when the pain was unbearable. My lover: You pulsed warmth through my veins, rewarded me for all of my efforts and, saw me through my lowest times.

When I became a mother, continuing our relationship was easier than I expected. Cheap-priced box wine blended in perfectly with motherhood. You were not only accepted but promoted at each activity. While trick or treating, you were with me. In a chilled cup with some catchy Halloween phrase marketing our relationship. Christmas morning, right there having coffee with me. Summer pool days, you cooled me off. Unlimited meal preparations you were right there behind each recipe. Thank you, to put it simply, for always being there.

With all that said, our relationship was toxic. Please understand it is difficult for me to write that to you. I am scared I will lose you forever. For a while, I was successful at limiting our moments together. However, you always appeared when I asked you not to. You also disguised your appearance. Every day, everywhere, you were there! I had to take that turn! I had to leave you without an explanation. If I hadn't, you would have been my destruction and not my hero.

My idealization of your qualities gave me the strength and determination to become the wife, mother, and woman I am today. It was not easy. Vulnerable, raw, and exposed, fumbling with each experience and most conversations. Entertaining myself and enjoying daily activities all had to be relearned. My creativity opened up once you were gone. I found my passion in writing again. I am more present with my children, more playful with my husband, and more productive overall. More importantly, I discovered that I am much stronger than I ever imagined I could be. You were the love of my life, unable to live without, and I just walked away and have not looked back. The amount of pride that encompasses my soul and the vitality I feel is freeing. Being a pillar of strength and role model to my children is immeasurable. I feel empowered in this version of myself. I am determined and falling more out of love with you and in love with myself every day.

I still miss our romance and the life you had promised me. I sometimes, in certain times, long for the funnier, confident/charming version of myself you helped me be. Early in our relationship, you brought out the very best in me. As the years passed, we began to bring out the worst in each other. And though our relationship was toxic, I was in love with it, and you will always be a part of my soul. Thank you for being my hero instead of my demise!

With love and gratitude,

Amanda