My job poisons my mind

Sunday nights, I feel the blues. I sleep poorly because of the thought that Monday is tomorrow. I feel anxiety take over my body. I truly hate my job.

I hate every single person I work with. I can't see them as good people. They are toxic and mean. Disrespect is something that dominates the workplace. I feel disrespected all the time.

I can't stand my coworkers. I don't want to interact with them. One of my coworkers seemed really nice and very friendly at first. But a friend of mine who worked with her at another company warned me about her. She seems so nice, though. I started to suspect because the description my friend gave me didn’t match what I was seeing. So one day, during a meeting with webcams on, I decided to test her and see her reaction. I just said, "Hi, how are you doing?" very friendly. And I saw her reaction—reactions don’t lie. She probably forgot the webcam was on. That face didn’t lie. That’s when I realized my friend was right about her. She’s so friendly, but it’s all a facade. This place is so toxic that it attracts more toxic people. The good ones end up leaving.

I know I have to leave this place. My big dream is to work for myself, build my freedom, and quit the 9-to-5 job.

But the toxicity of my job poisons my mind. I feel numb, with no energy to do anything, even the things I enjoy. It feels like I’m stuck in a loop I can’t escape. I’m trying to figure out how to break this loop.

I’m starting to doubt myself and whether I can actually reach this dream. It feels like others are stealing my confidence, poisoning every part of me with doubt. I look in the mirror and I don’t even recognize myself. I’m not the person who used to feel confident. I’m feeling small, like I’m shrinking. I need to get out of this situation faster, but it’s so complicated. I have bills to pay.

This is how a toxic job can poison a person. In the beginning, it seems like it's nothing, but over time, you can feel the side effects. You stop growing, you feel like you're losing the things you've conquered, and you start to shrink. You want to get out, but you have no energy. It feels like a loop with no end.

Little by little, I’ll try to break this loop. If I figure out how, I’ll share it. One thing I’m currently doing is recognizing that negativity and toxicity are like poison, and I need to stop it from entering me. I need to get rid of the poison I already have and stop absorbing more of it. To do that, I’m starting to surround myself with positivity. By that, I mean being around positive people, listening to inspiring podcasts, TED talks, and consuming as much positivity as possible. I know it seems silly. But it doesn't hurt to try.

I know I need to prioritize my life and well-being. I know it will be hard. But I need to try to do something—and escape it!

If you're in the same situation, please try something to escape too.