Word of the Day:切りがない

I know I don't really need to be working on my blog right now, but since I just got out of a... depressive/restful state yesterday, I feel like I need to do what I can today to motivate myself.

I ordered some fast food. Wasn't a good idea but I was wanting something sensually stimulating right now. I mean some people buy video games for the same reason so, I feel it is just a quicker and shorter vice.

Paradoxically, I want to start a health journey past this point. The last guy I was with sort of motivated me to improve myself. He really relaxed my nervous system. But since I was so stressed for several days before I was with him, I just sort of melted into a puddle and slept for 24 hours.

Yes, I am completely flopping in school but I don't care really, because if I can't really negotiate with anyone successfully there, don't share values with them, and they can't help me in a way that doesn't require me to sacrifice those values, why should I continue going?

School really is a joke. Most of it has been taken over by Ai and scared Administrators that sold their souls to the devil.

Well, I guess I have my own fears too, I mean this sort of neediness towards my own structures: Scheduler, Todo list, Budget planner, etc.

But I don't go around acting like I can help people when I know very well that I can't. That is the thing. I don't have any bravado in that sort of way.

I do know sometimes I try to rep SoCal when I have no business doing that, LOL

Just because I grew up on " The Avenue " doesn't give me any street cred, bruh. lul.

But anyway, Instagram was sending me all this "Narcissistic Mother " reels and I am like, " Yes, I know that was the case, but why is it empathizing with me now? "

I am not really worried about anything right now, I logged back ontot he computer to read my email actually. I just need to confirm the time tomorrow for my appointment.

I haven't figured out my battle plan for that so, I am not sure when I want to tackle that. It is possible maybe if I wake up early I can figure that out. I also need to see what my .. ok that is crazy. So my last electric bill was like double the amount it should've been and... well it isn't telling me it needs to be paid again so... did I pay in advance somehow? I am confused. But if it isn't an issue then I won't worry about it.

I might need to consider paying my TJX credit card but, I don't think I have enough to cover the double charge on that so, I will wait until I get my money before I send the payment for that. The card is closed so there is no interest or anything right now.

You know, it is funny how much better I've been feeling not having my mom or family in my life. I have been enjoying actual peace. While I haven't built anything yet, I feel it is like... It is a hard start, but it feels good.

All of them were just jealous of me for different reasons, and it is mostly crabs in a bucket mentality. Maybe that is why Uncle George visited me last night. Maybe he is cheering for me on the other side.

I know it seems like I am the petty one, it is just I am having to come to terms with evrything right now, and it is hard. I will get over it eventually.