Word of the Day: 介錯

I haven't written here in a while, I sort of had an energy drain from a lack of food and well, disappointments.

I mean, I don't regret anything I did. I think if I did, I would have probably not done the things.

I do regret not touching Brian's head/hair. I think it was the fact my brain flashed backed to when I was in jail; the last guy who kneeled in front of me was one of the guards undoing my ankle chains.

At that time too, I wanted to even touch this man's hair, but I resisted because, I felt like everything about that time was just a way to torture me.

Unfortunately, I have to say honestly, I allowed it to affect me when I was in school, because if I went with what I actually wanted to do, I would've been more friendly to him. He was being nice to me, but I constantly feel like I have to keep my guard up. The fact that someone was really pure minded or just honest, was so refreshing, I should've just went all in that, but I found myself not able to do it.

I mean, it's not even sexual or anything, it would have just been good for my soul. I didn't feel broken until that point. I guess that is when I realized I need better people in my life. I don't think that Brian needs to be burdened by my chaotic ass but, I mean, at least it allowed me the perspective to understand that, I need to find my softness again.

Yes, I am good at being a hard ass, I am good at being efficient and calculative, but I don't really enjoy being that 24/7, you know?

I don't know how I will go about regaining this, but I think this is the path I need to go down. I mean, I did keep talking about a Buddhist temple at the beginning of the year, so maybe I need to take that more seriously.

I think, even without me noticing it, I am shedding a lot of things right now so, I don't think I need to worry too much about it at the moment.

The things meant to remain will stay, the things that aren't will melt away eventually. This used to be really upsetting to me in the past, but I think I have reached an appropriate amount of apathy towards the process to allow it to be pretty painless. But yea, that regret of not petting his head probably is going to haunt me.

I made a video explaining some of my experiences teaching English, only after complaining about my family and such first.

I thought about emailing my teachers again but I feel like it wouldn't really result in anything.

I think, really I need to catch up on my todo list. I am all the way back on the 5th... this is the real tragedy here; this means, by my own standards I am doing poorly right now.

I got some weed and vitamin drinks so, I think I can actually do stuff today. The weather has really done a lot better now so, it is helping a lot with my mood. But if I am honest, I don't really feel 100% recovered in terms of energy.

But I think that is what my todo list is for, to motivate me to just getting out of my depressive states. So.. I mean, if this is what I choose, I better choose it completely right now. Hopefully I get some good work done.