I Forgive Me

I Forgive Me

It was just a week after we had spent Thanksgiving dinner at my Mother’s home. We all enjoyed each other’s company and stories as we leisurely sat around the table after eating. Sam and I had been arguing a bit before arriving and suddenly changing moods so no one would be able to detect anything was wrong between us. Our three daughters sat silently in the car but somehow came to life when they felt the safety in their Grandparents welcoming arms.

Sam was working out of town and had been for quite some time which was nothing unusual in his line of work. I had become accustomed to being a “single Mom”. In addition to working fulltime, I had somehow managed a routine involving sports schedules, weekend friend visits and sleepovers, cooking, shopping, cleaning, paying bills, laundry and the occasional family outing on the rare occurrence when Sam was home for the whole weekend. I hadn’t really noticed the obvious decline in hours he had been spending with the family and the “emergency” situations that took him away from the family and back to work sooner than anticipated.

We had been together almost 24 years. Like any other married couple, we had our ups and downs and moments where it seemed exhausting to work through disagreements but we did work through it. It had been our resolve early on to never get divorced no matter what as we both came from families where the parents were divorced. We were never going to do that to our children. They were going to see what a functional loving marriage was. They were going to learn how to communicate and solve problems as quickly as possible and move on. Anniversaries and birthdays came and went but were always a bright spot in our marriage. Kind texts, surprise flowers and heartfelt words on cards seemed to melt away any contention between us. We were going to grow old together. He had told me so on many occasions. I was looking forward to the day of being called Grandma and experiencing the joy I had seen my own Mother exhibit when interacting with my children. We had to endure. Someday life would be simpler and slow down.

I remember the text so well now. The one Sam wrote me the day he was supposed to come home for Thanksgiving. “I can’t wait to get home. I miss you guys and love you. See you tomorrow.” I was busy helping prepare Thanksgiving dinner and the girls were helping clean and cook so we could relax when Sam pulled in the driveway.

Thanksgiving went off without a hitch and we were surrounded by the love of my family. As usual, my Mother cooked enough for three dinners so we all went home with plates filled with leftovers for the coming days. Sam mentioned he had to go back to the worksite out of town on Friday so she fixed him an extra special plate because he had to leave for work.

On Thanksgiving night, Sam had been drinking more than he should and his voice escalated to a familiar emotionally abusive tone with our daughter and once again I became referee standing between them trying to calm him down. Looking back, I can’t count the times I was the mediator when his drinking elevated any issue in the home. Sam liked to be “boss” and instantly went from zero to ten. My daughter had learned to make her own boundaries and stand up for herself and he didn’t like that. Sam liked being in charge. So many times when he was out of town our home was more peaceful and things seemed to go more smoothly without him there. I often felt guilty about having thoughts and feelings of wishing he wouldn’t disrupt the house by coming home. I always hoped for a better experience when the next homecoming rolled around. I assumed all couples have rough patches and periods in their marriage when they question their life choices. I knew the “good” Sam. The one I fell in love with at 18. I hadn’t seen him in a very long time.

I suppose everyone knows the next chapter of my life. It happens to millions of people. Somehow it hit harder when it happened to me and my girls. Exactly one week after he left to go back to work, I was sitting at my desk and my personal phone rang. It was Sam. Not his usual “Hi, how are you doing” but a distant cold unemotional voice. He proceeded to tell me as I sat at my desk that after 23 years of being together, he wanted a divorce. I believe his exact words were “I have wanted a divorce for six years and I haven’t been happy. I have met someone here and I want to get to know her better because she gets me”. Darkness filled my heart and it was as if it turned into a fully inflated balloon and someone had stuck a needle through the center of it. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

I excused myself and went into the bathroom to continue the conversation. It was fairly one-sided as I was reeling from the words my ears had just taken in. Sam went on to say “Everyone deserves to be happy and I didn’t have the courage to leave until now”. The words registered and somewhere deep in my mind I thought the words could certainly only apply to him because his three daughters and his wife were not going to be joining in the jubilee. Who was this man talking on the other end of the line? The same person that had just texted me the day before returning home to tell me that he missed us and couldn’t wait to be home? Sam went on. I remember listening but not really hearing what he was saying. He had met her ten days ago on social media and when he went back to work they had decided to start a relationship. Sam said we would talk later but that never happened. Sam was gone. My husband of 23 years was with another woman playing house and I had to tell our three children their lives were about to change forever.

Despair means the complete absence of hope. So many other emotions had entered and left my body that day as if they were spirits coming and going through my heart. Agony, anguish, anxiety, desperation, despondency, discouragement, disappointment, devastation, disillusionment, discouragement, dejection, hopelessness, heartbroken. Looking back I find it odd that the one emotion I should have been having didn’t come until days later. Anger finally reared its ugly head and became my coping mechanism in the days to come.

Back to the task at hand. I had to dry my tears and tell my daughters that their Father was not coming home. He had met someone else and was with her at this very moment. She had three kids also but their Father would no longer be in their lives but in the lives of four strangers. Too much information could ruin any hopes for a relationship with him in the future so I chose my words carefully. I sat them down and looked into their eyes and couldn’t help but tear up while trying to explain adult situations to my teenage daughters without throwing their Father under the bus. Surprisingly one of my daughters said, “Good, maybe now we can have one Christmas without him drinking or screaming at us for not cleaning up the wrapping paper fast enough”. WHAT? Was that really the memory she was going to go with? Oddly enough, they only cried for me. They were sad that I was sad. There was no mention of Sam and how strange it would be to not have him there. I guess that should have told me something.

Suddenly a surge of strength flowed through my body as I heard them one by one say he really hadn’t been there for them anyway the last few years. I realized at that moment what strong, intelligent, empathetic young women I had raised. I come from a long line of strong women and I am usually able to raise my head high but this had completely cut me off at the knees. My daughters were telling me we would be better off without him and we were happier anyway when he was gone. I thought back for a moment to how many times I had been referee to his drunken egotistical tangents and realized what a disservice I had done to my daughters. It occurred to me by staying with someone who is abusive makes me an accomplice to that behavior if I stayed and then in one conversation the girls decided we would have a better, happier life without him in it. Who taught them to be so strong and to set boundaries? It didn’t really matter. I was proud of the strong young women they had become and I was forever grateful to them for making this unimaginable painful moment easier to maneuver.

The nights are the hardest and that night was exceptionally hard. I laid in bed trying not to cry so they could hear me while still listening with a Mother’s heart to see if I heard any cries coming from their pillows. Somehow I fell asleep for a short time before morning and I had to face my new reality. When tragedy or sudden change occurs in one’s life, the nighttime can be so cruel. On the rare occasions when I did fall asleep, it seemed as though I was destined to dream only happy dreams about Sam only to be awakened by a noise triggered a barking dog, a daughter or my subconscience. For a brief second as I opened my eyes, the world is the same as it once was. Then as if out of a horror movie, reality punches you right in the pit of your stomach and my heart and mind is filled with endless emotional memories. Numerous times through the sleepless nights I was forced again to face my newly unwelcomed redefined life of which it seemed I had no control of. Nights can be so cruel.

Christmas was a blur. I was going to continue our traditional habits such as staying in matching pajamas all day, cooking our favorite snacks, watching movies and never leaving the house. I was pleasantly surprised as the day seemed to somehow be joyful without Sam. No phone calls. No money to help with presents. I assumed he must have spent his check on his “new” family that “got” him in less than a month. It made me grow stronger knowing how weak and messed up he was.

Many days passed as work, the children and reality kept my mind and body busy. I was left to pack an entire house by myself and find a new place to live for me and my children. The housing market had gone completely out of control so I was very limited to what we could rent until the divorce was final. Divorce. A word I thought would never pass my lips when it came to me and Sam. Finally, after what seemed like endless searching, calling, looking and praying, we found an apartment that would accommodate our needs without the girls having to rehome their beloved dogs.

Once we were settled, the girls seemed happy to be alone and happy to be in a new place starting life over…. Without Sam. They had quit calling him Dad after they learned of his choices. I didn’t encourage it but I guess I didn’t discourage it either. They were old enough to make up their own minds I thought. Days later we talked and I told them that no matter what Sam had done he was still their Dad and we all needed to move on and try to not let the bitterness of the situation take away 23 years of the happy times we did have or there would be nothing but darkness in their childhood memories. They agreed and nothing more was said about whether or not Sam was ever coming back.

There are things I couldn’t come back from and Sam sleeping with another woman while we were still married and completely deserting his girls was a boundary he would never cross again with me. I wish that would’ve taken all the pain from my heart that I had experienced through the ordeal but I had to be satisfied with knowing I had set a hard boundary and I was going to keep it. I was going to show my girls what a strong woman looks like because they deserved more than the broken part of me. I had so much more to offer them.

Where are we now? Physically in the same town where we lived as a married couple but spiritually and emotionally I am doing much better. I am still in the process of completing the divorce but the more he flaunts his new lifestyle, the more it grounds my reality. I have come to see that though I am not faultless in the trials of our marriage, the way he left us had little to do with us and more about his insecurities. He has always needed to be validated by a woman continually and when life progresses through a 23 year marriage, the “excitement” didn’t fill that hole in his soul. I feel sorry for him because he has never been alone with his own thoughts or really found out who he really is. He portrays a confident, strong, intelligent demeanor but I know the insecurities from 23 years of being with him. This has also given me the opportunity to stand alone and realize I didn’t know how strong I was until that was the only choice I had. He deserted us. I could sugarcoat it and make it sound less horrible but that’s the truth. In less than a month, our lives were turned upside down and I had to figure out how to put one foot in front of the other. However, in the quiet moments I still mourn the loss of the life I thought we would have. I choose to look ahead and be optimistic about the life that can be.

I am asking for full custody because the girls are old enough to choose and they have expressed a desire to stay with me. They are very angry at Sam but it is my obligation to impress upon them that Sam’s choices had nothing to do with them. We need to put consequences of choices where they belong. Maybe he will never regret what he has done but my heart tells me otherwise. I am preparing my heart to be open to the possibility that someday Sam will wake up and see what he has lost and want to repair a relationship with his girls. I can’t stand in the way of that because it would only hurt my girls and I’m not willing to do that.

Though I’m not there yet, I want to show them the power of forgiveness. I won’t forgive Sam for his peace of mind; I hope to forgive him to experience peace and no longer have hatred and discontent in my heart every time I hear his name. However, I will never forget and I will be wiser in my decisions from now on. I hope we can evolve to a healthy co-parenting relationship. Time will tell.

I look forward to the day when I laugh and feel it. Pure joy. I look forward to the day I can trust another man without anxiety. Someday I hope to look in the mirror and truly be happy again with who I am and where I am believing that better days are ahead. I look forward to hearing my girls truly happy and making boundaries. I pray for them to grow to be strong, vibrant, kind, empathetic yet gentle souls.

Though my girls and my emotional health is the most important thing in my life right now, I hope someday to let my guard down and entertain the thought of a life partner. My Mother told me I didn’t know what I was missing because I hadn’t had it yet. I hope someday to understand that statement. I will have zero expectations and then I will not be disappointed. Everything positive will be a bonus. Most of all, I hope that if that doesn’t happen I will love myself enough to be happy, joyful, content and kind. I am open to my path being nontraditional. I will find joy in my children’s joy. If I am happy I know that they will be happy. I come from a long line of strong hardworking women who have fought through hardships and came out better women. I choose to be a part of the chain.

I forgive myself for not being superhuman and able to fix someone who is broken. I forgive myself for not being able to predict the future and trusting blindly. I forgive myself for not being able to immediately forgive someone. I forgive myself for being human.

I’ve taught my girls we can do tough things and sometimes bad things happen to innocent people. I hope that I’ve taught them to have empathy for anyone going through hard and painful times and that we don’t have to experience it to know they are hurting. I hope I am preparing them for the road in life instead of preparing the road for them. We have learned how to communicate anger and sadness in a healthy way without fear of judgment. I have taught them to love themselves and set boundaries for what they will tolerate from people. Mostly, I’m proud we are survivors. I wouldn’t ask for the trial again, but I wouldn’t take a million dollars for the lessons I’ve learned and the growth our “family” has made. We may be nontraditional, but we have proven that when people love each other, there are many variations of “family”. This experience will not “define” us but has definitely “refined” us. Family is everything to me. When I leave this life, it is not what I take with me but what I will leave behind. I know without a doubt now there will be three strong women changing the world.