Death By Chocolate

It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.

What could I possibly mean? I had a pretty decent boyfriend, he was nice enough, but we sort of just fell into dating and I wasn’t really sure I even wanted to be in a relationship.

He was simple enough to fit into my life, but I never really invited him in formally; he just sort of wriggled into the mix.

Vance had come along to one of my friends’ art shows and all my friends got along with him and liked him, so why not, right?

It didn’t help to be met with that....... “we think you’ll really like him” line being spilled into your ear…and before you know it, you’re one step into believing they are right.

So I settled.

It’s not every day you meet someone all of your friends like, that you also like……..plus Vance was a good person; some people say that even if the initial sparks are not there, you should work at being friends first, so I let him stay in my life out of politeness and also, because I had no backbone, or so I had always thought.

We had a lot of fun together and I knew that eventually I would be crazy about him.

That was two years ago and most of my friends and family had really started to push the question of “when are you guys going to get married?”

I always dodged the question, or tried to.

I would say things like, “I don’t know, ask him.”

Or, “We don’t really feel like marriage defines our relationship. We aren’t in a rush.”

But the truth was, he did ask…….

Vance started asking about marriage four months into dating and I always countered it with, “why ruin a good thing?”

So cliché.

But I was scared.

I felt trapped.

I loved him too much to hurt him and still, I knew that he didn’t deserve to be side lined in his own life and that was equally cruel…….

Whenever he wanted to talk about the future I would feel my stomach drop.

I have to admit that since he had entered into my life my stomach would drop constantly…..

My stomach was always upset.

I opted for alone time before he came along and now it seemed like we did everything together.

Did I even know my own thoughts?

What were my hobbies anyways? I used to have a million hobbies, but I couldn’t concentrate enough to think about my thoughts let alone my hobbies.

The relationship was “safe” but I was sinking and no one would have known it.

You become sort of embarrassed when you want to say things like, “I want to break up with Vance.”

Vance, the seemingly most chill and laid back guy on the planet…….. but I didn’t know how to tell anyone that I was miserable and couldn’t breathe in the relationship.

I didn’t tell people that I had booked a plane ticket to Hawaii to visit my friend without him so I could just think.

I hadn’t had a moment alone in the two years since he came into my life.

I hadn’t even told my friend that I had bought the ticket or that I would be on her island; booking a hotel for a week, I had yet to confirm with her any real meet up plans; let alone figuring out how I would have a deep and meaningful conversation with her over my relationship status.

Somehow I had to work out how I could convey that I needed out and that I needed a plan to leave Vance…..in my mind her advice was crucial.

When you feel yourself start to break…….When you feel trapped, you learn to make a move to stop feeling so trapped.

I had finally mustered up enough courage to tell Vance that I was taking a vacation without him and that was a first for me telling him of my plans, and also the first time that my plans had not been run through him first.

He seemed pretty taken aback.

“I didn’t know you were planning a trip?”

“Yeah,” I said, “I just haven’t seen Grace in like three years and she moved to Hawaii ages ago.”

“Have I met Grace?,” he seemed annoyed.

“No, she moved before we started dating, like a year before.”

“Oh.”

Vance looked at me puzzled so I added……

“I hope you understand, I just haven’t seen her in literally years and I just really miss her, you know?”

“I wouldn’t mind coming along, but it’s too short of notice.”

He hadn’t even considered that I would be or should be allowed to travel without him and I grew nervous, not knowing what he would say next or even how I would respond.

I kept churning the phrase, “calm, stay calm” over and over in my head until it was on repeat and I could plan my breath to it.

Still in my head I realized I had to refocus and stay present and stand my ground…….

He was still talking and when I let my mind finally re-enter the conversation, all I could hear was his final closing statement that…….“ It could be great to meet one of your closest friends.”

Mortified that I would have to be more direct; a communication skill I seriously had been lacking for some time, I tried to keep the conversation light, while not backing down from my original plan.

The trip was happening and he was not going with me.

“Yeah, I think that would be great, but, I just haven’t had a girls trip in a really long time, you know?

I could see in his face he was trying to counter my reasoning and I knew that I needed to add in more of my own reasoning to back myself up, as I tried to break free from his death grip once and for all…..

“Plus, her not seeing me for so long, I wouldn’t want to make her feel like the third wheel in her own hometown.”

I could tell he was understanding that he wasn’t invited and I started to feel kind of guilty, but also, free.

“Why are you just now telling me this?”

“I guess I didn’t think it would be that big of a deal. I have the vacation time from work set up and I need to use it, so I just kind of spur of the moment made a decision.”

I added a quick sign of concern asking him “are you mad you’re not going?”

I could see he was upset, but he walked into the kitchen and then came pacing back into the living room.

“I just don’t understand why you didn’t run it past me first. You know we do our vacations around the same time every year.”

“I know, I just am having to use up my vacation time or it would be lost and I just kind of haphazardly booked the flight, not even thinking about it.”

He looked at me and chuckled; “You? You haphazardly just booked a flight……. but you can’t haphazardly pin down a wedding date?”

I sat on the couch and reached for his beer that was on the coffee table and took a sip.

“This is not the same thing as pinning down a wedding date and you know that and we are not getting married.”

Vance stared blankly at the door and said, “We could get married.”

“But I don’t even know if I want to get married.”

He looked shocked and said, “you’ve never said flat out that you don’t want to get married.”

“I’ve hinted.”

“You’ve hinted?”

At this point I was exhausted by trying to dumb myself down and save his feelings. I felt like I was always saving his feelings while neglecting my own.

“My communication could have been a bit more direct.” I started to speak again.

“I need more of my own space.”

“You need your own space?” He was visibly upset now, as if he hadn’t pieced together how distant I had become towards him. It was as if he was hearing it for the first time, because in reality, he was.

I had never told him no.

I always wanted to keep the peace.

The loop of “calm, stay calm,” had left the building of my mind and I blurted a retort quickly….

“You literally moved in a month after we started dating and we haven’t had a moment apart since. That’s not healthy.”

“You want space?” He was repeating it to make sense to himself it seemed, so I just continued the conversation.

“I want freedom from all the smothering for just a week.”

“Smothering?”

I was being the most direct I had been in the entirety of our relationship and my stomach ache started to subside just a bit more.

I realized in that moment how uncomfortable I had been in my own home when he had entered into it two years prior.

I felt liberated and also, what the heck was I saying?

Was I breaking up with my live in boyfriend?

Did I have a plan? Did I need a plan?

Was I being a jerk and 100 percent selfish?

I suddenly didn’t seem to care.

Vance could sense where the conversation was going and strategically changed the subject.

“I think I need to cool off and I think you need to seriously stop and consider how you’re treating me.”

I was puzzled.

“Vance, how am I treating you?”

“If you can’t figure it out……..”

He walked into the kitchen and started opening the dessert box his mom had dropped off earlier.

It was nice of her to drop off a cake, but I wasn’t sure why she had made a cake as there was nothing to celebrate.

Vance reappeared in the kitchen with a slice of chocolate cake, which was his favorite.

“This is for you.”

“Thanks, but I am not hungry.”

I left out that he should know I hated chocolate cake.

He sat himself on the couch opposite me and began to eat the slice he had just presented to me.

“Probably for the best.”

“Why is that?” I asked.

“Marriage proposal,” he said in with a mouthful of cake.

“I don’t understand.”

“Your engagement ring is in the cake.”

I looked at him half disgusted and half ready to cry because the last thing I wanted to do was to hurt him, but the time had come to let him go and he knew it and I knew it.

“Vance…….. “

I didn’t know what to say and I didn’t know how to break up, and so I thought for a few moments in silence as he mulled over his beautifully disastrous proposal; to a women who didn’t want to be with him anymore….. a women who had settled for commitment and who couldn’t stay committed to the lie any longer.

I could hear myself think and began to continue breaking the silence.

“You deserve someone who wants to be your wife. Who wants all the tradition that you want……. I just, am not her.”

“I know,” he replied.

“I had hoped you would say yes this time. I really did.”

I had given him a smile through tears because what I was going to say was going to end the relationship.

“I think we should break up so you can find your future wife.”

He chuckled as his eyes started to water a bit.

“I do too.”

So, that was it.

Vance, my two year prison and best friend in that period of my life was free to go and so was I.

The relationship had just ended and the break up term “Death By Chocolate” became the reference point for my friends whenever they wanted to rehash how we both ended things.

In the end, I went to Hawaii; free from any obligation and fear of holding someone back from finding the love of is love.

When I got back he was all moved out and I had changed the locks and decided that I would also move sooner rather than later.

I wanted a fresh start where no memories of those past two years could linger over the space I occupied.

It was nice to feel no obligation to his many expectations of what the relationship should be and he luckily agreed that he would not hang around our mutual friends while I was with them and I would oblige him by doing the same.

It’s so odd, but I had this fear that I would miss Vance terribly and what I found was that when he was out of my life for good, I realized I wouldn’t miss him, because I had missed myself and I was much better company