Greenlight

Don't die, don't die.. please don't die.." she whispered In my ear again and again, through the mashup of sobs and cries. "Don't die, don't die.." I repeated to myself, gritting my teeth in pain as my head fell against her seven-month-old miracle baby bump.

"Just hang on a little longer, baby. The ambulance will be here soon". I knew she was lying or maybe just naive, but the ambulance didn't race to the hood as they did in the fancier neighborhoods. As I completed my thought, I could feel blood squirting from my wounds like a water fountain's stream dribbling down a child's mouth. I had been stabbed 13 times. I don't know which is worse, the excruciating pain, or knowing that I could die here in Lilly's arms.

A cold chill ran through my body as the realization that I probably wouldn't make it struck me. "No, God, if you're real you can't let me die. Not like this in her very arms, never to see my baby face. Please, God, if your fucking real, do something please". I pleaded with the darkness. A tear ran down my face as something inside told me the end was near.

No, it couldn't end like this, not after everything that we had been through. I had always heard the road to hell was paved with good intentions, and as I sat there slowly dying in my lover's arms, I began to believe it was true.

While my intentions hadn't always been the purest, all of that changed somewhere during my relationship with Lilly. She had taught me so much, and I wasn't even going to be around long enough to see our baby born. In the end, all I wanted was out, but not like this.

I had joined the RBP (Raza Brown Pride) when I was 14, right after I moved to California with my mom. I don't know what happened to my father, one day there was just some old social worker lady and officer at my door. They told me I had to go with them and that was it. There were no choices, no goodbyes, just a long five-hour plane ride and a lot of silent sobs.

Lucky for me, I met Bobby Aguilar not long after I moved to Cali. He, like me, wasn't your typical Los Angeles Latino and instantly took me under his wing like a brother. Real recognize real, they say, and it wasn't long before we were pulling off jobs and hitting licks like they say out here in California.

When Bobby introduced me to RBP, it hit different, like a handful of jelly beans. Instead of flavors, it was emotions, though fear, jealousy, excitement, satisfaction, and fulfillment all at once. For the first time, I finally had a place, and If I stuck with them, I could have the things I wanted most, a family, respect, and money. 

For the most part, those things were correct. The money came the fastest. It's hard to explain the feeling that runs through you when you hold your first 10k stack. Rubber banded together, tight and heavy, it will have you feeling like a real gangster like Tony Montana or John Gotti, but it doesn't stop there. It becomes an addiction. Like when I hit the lot and bought my first foreign. I mean the very one I had been fantasizing about forever. That may be the only thing better than having the orgasm of your life. Or perhaps I'm going too far, but at that point when your visualization becomes a reality, there is no describing that feeling. Still, even that's fleeting. A sensation that I found myself chasing again and again, like an addict trying to recreate that first hit.

When I look back and try to reimagine that feeling, and at the same time, weigh in the cost, I can't help but wonder if was worth it. See, life's all about moments, and at that moment, it's every bit worth it, but flash forward to now, and it's definitely not. 

It's almost a paradox. I mean, would I have gotten this far and found Lilly without making the same choices? Who knows? What did it cost me in the end? Well, everything. See gangbang life redefines everything. The gang became my family. I was supposed to  live for them and even die for them. Respect is also redefined, as it became my last score or who's head I kicked in last. See, in this game, you're either an earner or your busting heads. Lucky for me, I was good at both. That was at least until I met Lilly.

I had just bought my first Benz when I first laid eyes on her. I was so nervous I almost ran her over, and as she flipped me off, time slowed to a crawl, her wavy hair flowing in the breeze, her skin soft and white like vanilla icecream. Somehow I gathered my composure and apologized, and asked her out. The rest, as they say, is history.

My feelings toward her only got stronger with time. Lilly's smile struck me the most. Her smile could freeze me in my tracks or instantly send my heart into the pit of my stomach. Lilly's smile is what won me over, but it was her loyalty and devotion that made me fall in love.  

Our relationship was like a rocket. A supernova of passion and ecstasy. When we kissed, volcanoes erupted, and planets collided. When we held each other, the world stopped. Still, it seemed fate or God, wouldn't allow life to be that simple. 

See, Lilly wasn't just Salvadorian. She was sister to some of MS13's top dogs. I like them had sworn an oath, and we were supposed to kill each other on sight. It was the law of these streets. My family's enemy is my enemy.  

I understood that rule from the beginning, but Lilly, was worth anything in this world. She had been the only person to see me as something more than some lowlife gangster. I mean, she saw beneath my cold surface, and connected with a part of me that I didn't even know existed.

Our first year together had been rocky. Every woman I met before Lilly had been toxic or a slut. Lilly was different, and that terrified me. It also made it hard to appreciate her. So admittedly it took time to give up the women, drugs, and violence that came with the lifestyle. All the while Lilly was by my side, faithful and loyal.  

That all changed one June morning. That's when I got the call. Her voice was different, cold as frozen steel. Hesitant yet full of conviction. Gone was any warmth or care. "I'm pregnant, and I've decided to get rid of it. I decided I don't want to  talk to you or hear from you ever again." Her words shocked me to the point where I could feel my heart burst, but I guess you never really know a person at first, and with my lifestyle, who can blame her.

At first, I was going to accept it. But then I heard the voices. Something in my head was telling me that I had to save that baby. It was like some powerful unforeseen voice took over my brain. I could see the baby, and Lilly flashing in my mind. I knew not only what I wanted but also what was needed.

Like I said earlier, sometimes fate or God has something more in store for us. So even after hours of confessing and professing my love to Lily and promising change, she argued and still objected to keeping the baby. In my darkest hour, I resorted to begging, threatening,  and even bargaining. My pleading only got her to agree to meet in two days.

Sounds ideal, but the joke was on me, as her appointment was scheduled for 9am that morning. I spent the time trying to drown my fear and find the clinic. Strangely enough, I discovered that God-forsaken place. Even on the verge of death, I can remember the sickening feeling I got entering that dark empty waiting room. Even worse was looking the secretary and doctor in the eyes and feeling the word slow to a crawl as they told me that the procedure had already been started and it was too late. I could still remember their condescending smiles's as I fought tears.

At that moment, it felt like my soul had been wrenched from my already numb body. It wasn't until I walked outside and felt the sun upon me like a parent's touch and heard a warm whisper that changed my heart. A chill came over me as I heard "Don't give up my son."

On the way home more magic would happen, as I stumbled on an ad for APR. Some abortion pill reversal. Now mind you, this wouldn't mean anything if another miracle wasn't happening across LA. See, by the time I talked to Lilly, I found out all the way home she's been seeing and hearing things that made her want to keep the baby. For me it meant a second chance.

When the doctor prescribed us some expensive ass meds I paid for them in cash without hesitation. I still remember how we shared an awkward laugh about how she had to actually insert them into her vagina for the baby to absorb the nutrients. See, the way it works is the abortion pill blocks nutrients essentially starving the baby. The meds feed the baby directly. Or something like that. I'm a gangsta, not a scientist. All I know is the next 24 hours were tormenting and excruciating. I hate not knowing things, and having a life in the balance is probably the hardest time I've ever done.

Then comes the one moment of truth, and everything changes. Once I hear the baby's heartbeat and see Lilly's soft smile, I'm done. My world can never be the same. See, once you know true love and once you have someone who is dependent on you, there's no way you can still be about the streets. Like I said earlier, life's a catch 22 because, without that risk, there's a different struggle that hits.  

The resistance that hits when you're trying to change your life is indescribable. Still, you know you can't go on the same path. Even when you try, the results are different. I tried to fake it and still be about that life, but love smacked me in the face. It filled me with fear and doubt, and that's not how you succeed out here.

So after another couple of months of grinding, the decision is obvious. It's time to change. At first, I thought a quick call to Bobby would do the trick, and I'd be done with RBP forever. I should have known from that movie, Blood In Blood Out that thing's don't work like that.

I never knew fear until I got that text from Bobby. It read, "Greenlight Run!!!" It didn't take long to pack and leave with Lilly. We almost made it to the Greyhound Station when three cars pulled up and surrounded us.

They say they are just going to jump me out, but I know the truth. The stabs and blows they delivered are with deadly intent. I try to fight but fighting but it's like fighting crowd of shadows, and when it's all over,  all I can do is cling to my Lilly and my last breath saying a silent prayer to myself.

All I hear are sirens as Lilly's tears dance on my head. She lets out a long wail and slumps forward in agony. I feel blood between her thighs, my soul feels like it's being squeezed in a vice. "God, no! Please just take me! Let my baby survive!"   It's my last thought as I close my eyes.