INDEX

Abuse, patterns of: 12, 34, 56-68, 89, 102, 134, 156, 178, 201 See also: cycles; escape (impossibility of); survival (mistaken for love); normalization

Age, young: 13 See also: vulnerability; formation; patterns (early); subject (developmental stage)

Alone, increasingly: 23, 45, 67, 89 See also: isolation (social); friends (loss of); monitoring; world (getting smaller)

Belief (in him): 34, 56, 89, 156, 201 See also: why; stupidity (mine, perceived); leaving (why didn't I); threats (effectiveness of); bullet (in his pocket)

Cycles: 23, 56, 89, 134, 156, 178 See also: hope (cyclical); good days; bad days; pattern recognition (failure of); leaving (moments considered); staying (reasons for)

Dependence, manufactured: 34, 89, 156, 201 See also: escape routes (blocked); survival mechanisms; need (engineered); leaving (inability)

Environment, unstable emotional: 12-13 See also: home (concept of, lost); safety (lack of); formation conditions; outside (worse than inside)

Escape, need for: 12, 34, 56 See also: survival; relationship (abusive); paradox of need; thing, the

Family, distance from: 23, 45, 67 See also: isolation (social); monitoring; contact (discouraged); alone (increasingly); them or me (forced choice)

Friends, loss of: 23, 45, 67, 89 See also: isolation (social); jealousy; monitoring; saying the wrong thing; easier to stop trying

Gaslighting: 45, 67, 89, 156 See also: memory (unreliable?); reality (questioning of); perception (corrected); sanity (doubted); crazy (was I?); documentation (hidden); proof (destroyed)

Good days: 23, 56, 89, 134, 137-138 See also: hope (cyclical); love (intermittent); maybe it's better; reinforcement (variable); staying (reasons for)

Guilt, weaponized: 34, 56, 89, 156 See also: suicide (his, threatened); responsibility (misplaced); his feelings (my fault); leaving (equals murder)

Help, asking for: [REDACTED] See also: silence; exposure (fear of); making it real; no one would believe; proof (lack of)

Home, concept of: 12-13 See also: environment (unstable emotional); safety (absence of); no where else to go; this is normal

Hope, cyclical: 23, 56, 89, 134, 156, 178 See also: good days, maybe this time; this is how he loves me; love (intermittent); staying (reasons for)

Isolation, social: 23, 45, 67, 89, 102 See also: friends, loss of; family (distance from); monitoring; alone (increasingly); world (getting smaller) contact (controlled)

Jealousy: 23, 45, 67 See also: monitoring; friends (loss of); time (unaccounted for); where were you; who were you with

Leaving, consequences of: 34, 56, 89, 156 See also: suicide (his, threatened); responsibility (his life/my choice), guilt (weaponized); murder

Leaving, inability: 89, 156, 178, 201 See also: dependence (manufactured); nowhere to go; logistically impossible; survival (requires staying)

Leaving, moments considered: 12-13, 23, 34, 45, 56, 67, 78, 137-138, 178, 201 See also: cycles; almost; next time; can't; staying (reasons for)

Leaving, prevention of: 12-13, 23, 34, 45, 56, 67, 78, 137-138, 178, 201 See also: suicide (his, threatened); consequences (of), guilt (weaponized); isolation (social); dependence (manufactured)

Love, intermittent: 23, 56, 89, 134, 178 See also: good days, hope (cyclical); reinforcement (variable); staying (reasons for), this is what love is

Love, mistaken for: 34, 89, 156, 201 See also: survival, dependence; hostage situation; what is love; normal (this isn't)

Memory, unreliable?: 45, 67, 89, 134 See also: gaslighting; reality (questioning of); did that happen; am I crazy; documentation (his version vs. mine)

Monitoring, constant: 12-13, 34, 56, 78, 89, 134-138, 178, 201 See also: his eyes (everywhere); questions (where, who, when); privacy (absence of); normalized

Need, paradox of: 34, 56, 89 See also: escape (required) equals survival (source); thing, the; leaving (inability); staying (necessity)

Normalized: 12-13, 23, 45, 67, 89, 178 See also: formation (subject); gradually; boiling frog metaphor; when did this start: pattern recognition (failure)

Nowhere else to go: 12-13, 23, 45, 67, 89, 134, 178 See also: leaving (inability); dependence (manufactured); isolation (social); world (too small now)

Privacy, absence of: 13, 23, 45, 67, 89, 102 See also: monitoring (constant); his eyes (everywhere); boundaries (eroded); normalized

Questioning, absence of: 12-13, 201 See also: silence; unchecked patterns; normalization; no one asked; no one knew; I didn't tell

Reality, questioning of: 45, 67, 89, 134 See also: gaslighting, memory (unreliable?); sanity (doubted); what is real; proof (lack of)

Relationship, abusive: 12, 34, 56-58, 89, 102, 1334, 156, 178, 201 See also: thing, the; escape (need for); survival (mistaken for); dependence (manufactured)

Reinforcement, variable: 23, 56, 89, 134, 178 See also: good days; hope (cyclical); love (intermittent); slot machine; maybe this time; staying (reasons for)

Responsibility, misplaced: 34, 56, 89, 156 See also: guilt (weaponized); his feelings (my job to manage); suicide (my fault if); leaving (murder)

Safety, lack of: 12-13, 23, 45 See also: environment (unstable); home (concept of, absent); outside (worse than inside); lesser evil (still evil)

Silence: 201 See also: questioning (absence of); help (not asking for); telling (fear of); no one would believe me; exposure (consequences of); fear of (losing him)

Staying, reasons for: 23, 56, 89, 134, 156, 178, 201 See also: hope (cyclical); love (intermittent); nowhere else to go; good days; maybe it's better; leaving (impossibility of)

Suicide, his threatened: 34, 56, 89, 156 See also: leaving (prevention of); responsibility (misplaced); guilt (weaponized); belief (in him); bullet (in his pocket), murder

Survival mechanisms: 34, 56, 89, 156, 201 See also: escape (routes); dependence (manufactured); thing, the; coping; this is how to survive

Survival, mistaken for love: 34, 89, 156, 201 See also: dependence; hostage situation; need (paradox of); what is this?

Thing, the: 34, 56 [Definition: that which was needed to escape became that which was needed to survive] See also: relationship (abusive); need (paradox of)

Voice, suppression of: 201 See also: silence; questioning (absence of); help (not asking for); this is my voice (delayed emergence)

Vulnerability: 12-12, 23 See also: age (young); formation; environment (unstable); targeting; ripe conditions

Why: 89, 156, 178, 201 See also: belief (in him); leaving (why I didn't); staying (why I did); self-blame; pattern recognition (failure); normalization

World, getting smaller: 23, 45, 67, 89, 102 See also: isolation (social); friends (loss of); family (emotional distance from); nowhere else to go; nowhere else (wanted to be); nowhere else (could conceive of); he was my

[REDACTED]: 12, 13, 23, 34, 45, 56-58, 89, 102, 134, 137-138, 156, 178, 201