listen

Listen, focus and concentrate. I am going to explain to you what happened and why. It hurts me to remember it and hurts more to say it out loud. So this will be the full sorry tale, there will be all the information you need and at the end there should be no questions. If I miss anything out you will have to ask someone else. I am getting old and tired, just want to get a few things off my chest before I go.

I am truly sorry you had to hear this from outside the family, there just never seemed to be the right chance or opportunity. Any way we didn't think you would benefit from knowing what I did, all those years ago. Its also something that's hard to admit to, something I'm not proud of. The times were different , the rules were different, the police were different and thank fully the court was difference.

I killed a man, is that what you have been waiting to hear. I take it from your expression that I have surprised you, even though you thought it might be true. Well its true, you have heard the rumours, this is the truth and the only time I will ever tell you. What your cousin told you during that argument is true, the details maybe not so much.

As you know I left school and went in to the building trade, worked hard and played hard. We worked long hours in all weathers, if the weather was too bad to work outside we worked inside. Dust in my eyes and throat, cuts and blisters on my hands and filth on my clothes. Strolled into work and almost crawled out at the end of the day.

At the end of the week there was money ready for your grandma to get the shopping and pay the bills. We didn't have luxury , we had enough. As your mother came along we were in a fairly nice house and we had things for her to wear and a nice room to sleep in. None of that was cheap, we were given a few things but many things we bought.

When your brother came along the work wasn't so good. I ended up doing 2 jobs and gran took in ironing. No one starved, no one missed out, everything was ok. The house was warm and the food was healthy if not plentiful.

Then as we neared Christmas the incident occurred a few miles from here. It had been a long week with long hours. We didn't want to spoil you for Christmas but just get a few nice gifts. None of this is your fault, or your brothers, this is just the chain of events. I had been working silly hours for a few weeks, struggling to stay awake at times but doing my best.

It was December 20th, a date obviously burned into my brain, a day that rears its ugly head on each anniversary. It was a Friday, the end of a 70 hour week and time to drive home. It was dark and there was a slight frost on the car and snow in the air. Visibility wasn't great but I believed I could see enough, anyway I was tired and needed my bed.

I took my usual route, drove carefully and thought all was going well. I was going down the hill before I turned into our road here. The snow from earlier was still there and the ice hadn't melted either. In front of me was a cyclist, either brave or foolhardy. She was trying to ride on the pavement but it was sometimes hard to decide what was road and what was path. The snow disguised what was who. I drove slowly, followed the existing car tracks and started down the hill.

I knew the lady was there and she turned round and saw me. I drove down the hill, as I got near her she had a wobble and i clipped her bike. She at first seemed to have regained her balance but then fell towards the curb. It looked such a tame fall, just a normal fall of a bike onto snow. I stopped myself slamming the brakes on as I knew I would skid. I decided to go into our road, park up and head back up the hill to make sure she was up and not hurt. In fact I expected her to ride past me after brushing the snow of her trousers.

When I got to the hill there were a couple of cars parked in the area where the lady had fell, I didn't see the lady so presumed she was getting warm in the car. I didn't fancy slipping and sliding up the hill, I would probably have been hurt more then her.

So I went home again, I didn't even mention it to Gran. When I cleaned the snow off the car I saw a slight scratch on the wing but nothing else of note. The next time I went up the hill there was no flowers or notices saying did you witness any accidents.

When I got to work it all changed, one of my colleagues asked if I knew about the accident near my house. I said no, as I genuinly believed the little icident I had wasnt serious. He told me that his cousin had been cycling down the hill but had had a fall and hadnt been seen for a day at least. She had fallen down a snow bank by he road, her bike was picked up but at first she wasn't seen.

When she hadn't come home her family retraced her cycle home. They looked everywhere they could think of but still nothing. The next day there had been a slight thaw and her brother saw a piece of material through the snow. It was her, she had died from a head wound mixed with hyperthermia.

Her post mortem said she was probably alive when she landed in the snow bank. The lack of treatment and the extreme cold meant she died over a few hours, unable to move.

I must have looked suitably stunned and upset, he asked me if I had seen or heard anything. Before I could stop myself I had told him no, that I would have tried to help if I could. I didn't know what else to say, yes I killed her wouldn't help anyone. I couldn't bring her back and I couldn't make her family feel any better.

The police called that evening, asking if we had heard or seen anything. Gran said no and they just left and didn't come back. I heard the police had to leave the case open as it wasn't clear if she had crashed alone or had been clipped by a vehicle.

They didn't have all this high tech stuff that could tell them who did what or how. Although I knew I had played a part I just couldnt admit to it after saying nothing before. I thought of sending an apologetic letter but was scared they would compare handwriting or do something. I just sent flowers to the funeral home and that was it. I havent spoked about it till now. I think your cousin is guessing rather then knowing what happened. Probably Chinese whispers and a lot of guesswork. I am only telling you as I haven't got long left and I wanted you to know what really happened.

That's the full story, I love you and I'm sorry it ever happened. More , I am sorry you found out like this.