Self-Recovery

I was supposed to know better. I have never believed in this stuff before… but before me I felt a resonance emanating from that clump of crystals. Seriously? Crystals? Even as hauntingly blue and purple as these. Even with the inexplicable way they gleamed, shimmery metallic off the edges.

Why was I suddenly feeling as if there was something to this “power of crystals” idea? It’s never made sense. Rub a stone over something, does it change it? Why would crystals be any different?

I’ve had trouble coping on my own since I was thrown out of the house at fifteen years old. Every day, scraping by on nothing. Now I was going to give precious money I don’t have for, essentially… a rock?

Before we go further, yes, I’m not an average young adult. Not by a long shot. My life hasn’t been easy. It’s been dangerous and perplexing. I feel like I get smacked down with every time I make it up one rung of the ladder.

I often hop from one institution to the next. The ones that have curfews I sneak on out at night. Like I’m gonna get in more trouble? I’m lucky to be in the foster-care system. I’m not going to dwell on it. Any of it. In fact, I hope no one ever again asks me anything about it. Seriously. I won’t tell them. Shut up.

Anyway, my late parents thought the name Sarah fit me. Sarah Jenner, to be exact. Once I was on my own, I dropped the Sarah like a hot potato. That at least, I had control over. Despite the horrendous weight it came with, Jenner was all right. I kept it as my first name, the new me.

Jenner didn’t make friends as easily as Sarah had, but the friends she had were all far closer to her. She was free to tell them her struggles.

So that was my name, and that was my life. The misconception that my name was Jenna (or Jenny) was the least of my problems. For better or worse, I was considering borrowing money from one of those loyal friends to pay for a clump of crystals offered by a mysterious man.

Who was he anyway? He claimed to be trained for years in shamanic practices, or something. He talked with surprising sincerity. He seemed like he wasn’t just scamming, but one of the rare misguided people who believes things like this. What if the stone really has the ability to attract everything I need?

I took a moment to look around this seedy Middle-Eastern-type outdoor market. It was always a strange, but kind of comforting scene to walk through. The people made me nervous, yet strung-up sheets flapping in the wind have a very soothing appeal. Sometimes I would walk through just to pretend I was visiting a far-away land.

​Normally, I would tell the strange young guy good luck and walk away. But something was different this time. It felt different. I knew there was one of my loyal friends that would tell me to give him a chance.

Good ol’ Elra. She was the type of friend you turn to when the world’s run out of cheery colors. She had one of those silly optimistic smiles that always make you feel better. Even when you didn’t want to.

Lots of people have a sunny disposition, but in her case, it was literal. I could almost see the sunrays around her when she was happy or excited. She was the only decent painter I knew, yet if someone were to paint her, it’d be just like that. Mushy little sunrays around her face. Her wavy dark blonde hair was as untamed as her exuberance.

She lived with her boyfriend, Aren, trying to sell paintings to galleries. I eventually asked if she’d consider full-time drudgery for a stable income. She seemed to think she’d found enough supplemental opportunities to keep afloat. I guess I have to applaud her. I was absolutely unable to find a job, so I would stick with anything that would get me off the fringes.

And, with that, it comes full circle. Do I trade the measly money I have now for the promise of crystals that can attract what I really deserve?

This strange mystic spoke in an intelligent way, and had the face of someone you’d really like to trust. Of course that could also be how he tricked everyone else.

Yet I could hear Elra. I could hear her loud and clear, like she was standing there with me. “Don’t you ever just want to reach for a dream?” she asked one night with startling sincerity. I laughed and told her I have no dreams available within arm’s length. She turned to look at me with what I could only describe as serene pain. Like the best friend I needed, she disagreed with me from then on.

******

​The mysterious man was kind enough to bless it, for what that was worth. He told me his personal words would infuse it with a powerful energy, an emanating force that will boost its core power. Again, what was that power? It would attract what I focus on and deserve. I would love to subvert supply and demand like that, to just believe I could change the laws of the universe with an attracting crystal.

And yet, he believed it. He lived his life by this stuff. Elra apparently believed with his philosophies too. She was more than willing to front me some cash, even though I made it very clear I wasn’t actually expecting it of her.

​I tried to look at the crystal like she would. I mustered up pride in it. I held it in my hands every night, turning it back and forth to see the glint it gave off under the street-lamps.

​She told me to remember what the mystic said. It could attract what I need, only if I apply focus.

“Maybe you have to really hone in on what you need,” she said. “Think of all those things you complain about. This is a chance to channel those complaints and use them to reshape your situation.”

I tried several times, eventually putting in a lot of effort to think the way she would. How would she focus on what she needed? How would she make a request of the universe?

​It wasn’t long before I spent two hours at a time holding it, asking what I wanted out of it. There were many times I felt no effect, but every now and then something would seem to shift. I don’t know exactly what it was. I probably couldn’t have even explained it to Elra.

​Then one night something became dramatically different. That shift was startling, moving all the way through me for the first time. I almost dropped the crystal. Again, there was no way to explain it, and this time I didn’t want to try. I stood there stunned and exasperated for minutes on end, not sure if I should conclude the experience was real.

​What did I do differently that time? I didn’t know. There didn’t seem any way to figure it out. Maybe my longing was more pronounced. Maybe my need was even greater. Maybe I heard both Elra and Aren’s voice, their artistic souls telling me that anything was possible, and I was just about ready to believe them.

******

A week had passed, and I hadn’t told anyone. I wanted to see if it had an effect, and nothing had changed. I trudged the streets, ever more downtrodden. The fact that I gave up so much for that stone haunted me.

I tried not to think about it, but it would claw away at me from the dark corners of my mind. Elra would say that the results wouldn’t come any faster by worrying. I tried to set it aside, and yet I couldn’t. Stop thinking about it. Just focus on something else. Seriously, stop it now!

​Everywhere I looked, I saw evidence of my old life. I saw the candy store I used to delight in spending my days after school. I would let myself go, sitting back as a current of sweet flavor spirited me away.

​I turned the corner, down a familiar, dreary street. No one would guess, but I was headed for my usual place of salvation. One place that I could always get abundant food. Well, I could get almost a two-day supply of food once a week, anyway.

The run-down grocery deli of Mr. MacMiller looked more like a corner mercado in a small Mexican town. It’s definitely not the type of place you’d expect to give away anything edible even for charity. For some reason, however, MacMiller had a regular routine of offering still-fresh produce and snacks to the downtrodden like me.

​There I was, however, and it turned out he only had two apples, a lemon, and a bag of pretzels. I was suddenly dejected.

​“Is that really it?” I prodded. “You’ve always found a way to bring a bag-full for me. This is all you have? I can’t eat a lemon. Look, even that apple’s completely bruised. You’ve never let me down like this.”

​“Let you down?” he turned to me with a sharp steely gaze I had never seen before. “Let you down?! What are you talking about, Jenner? How dare you?”

​“What?” I asked, taken aback.

​“You know that I give these donations at risk to my business,” he explained. “You know that? I do it when other storeowners won’t.

“Why are you telling me this?”

“Because you chose to criticize instead of thank me. For giving you all the extra that I can… every week.”

​“I didn’t mean to criticize. But… is this really all of it?”

​“There you go! There it is again! How dare you? I always thought the needy were grateful. You’ve proved me wrong. You’re a shocking exception, Jenner!”

​“How can you say—“

​“Just because you’re homeless—“

​“I’m not homeless. I just can’t find any new foster—“

​“Whatever! Just because you have nothing doesn’t mean you have appreciation for anything.”

​A thick silence descended between us. He looked at me, and I did my best to look back. His brow furled and his breath became labored. His eye twitched, daring me to say something stupid.

​Against my better judgment, I asked, “So this is the best you got today?”

​“Oh that’s it!” he bellowed. “That’s IT! Get out of my store. Out of my store! Out, out, OUT!” I opened my mouth in confusion, but he was already storming his way around the counter to me. “Just get out, right now! You heard me, out! I have had enough of you, Jenner! I’ve had it up to HERE!”

I stumbled as he corralled me toward the door. He grabbed things off the some of the racks as he went. “Here, how about this? Want some more? Some of these carrots? Some of these chips? And fruit, of course! Is that good enough?!”

He began throwing these things straight at me. I stumbled to the ground as he, from the doorway, threw a bag of cookies between my feet.

“Just keep taking, why don’t’cha? Just keep taking all my supply! Why not?! Just go ahead and take it all!” The soda bottle fell cap-first, breaking its seal and spewed over my face as I tried to get up. The food kept flying at astounding pace. Every time I got halfway up, something else soared too close, and I slumped back down. He kept throwing and screaming, pausing only to grab more to hurl my way. I had to move down the street at a crawl to avoid the intimidating barrage. As if I wasn’t shell-shocked enough, several tomatoes and an avocado hit me in the back. The last thing I heard from him is that even if he went broke, it would be worth it to be rid of me. I crawled around the side of a dumpster and waited until he returned inside. Then I tiptoed back to the side of the store and gathered up all he had thrown.

******

​The garbage bag full of food would’ve normally cheered me up, but this time it was little comfort. When I had told Elra of the incident, she was very disapproving.

​“How could you talk that way to him?” she asked. “He has done nothing but help you over the years. He’s one who keeps your faith in people alive.”

​“I’m sorry,” I assured her. “I was just disappointed.”

​“You may be surprised hearing this from me,” she said, eyes unyielding. “But the world is disappointing many times. I choose to see the positive, remember all the magic, and move on.”

​“Don’t you care that I had to crawl away from all the stuff he threw?” I asked. “I had to crawl on my elbows like a soldier ducking bombs!”

​“I hate to say this, Jenner,” she said. “But I think you deserved to have all that food thrown in your face.”

******

​Many months had passed, and things only seemed to get worse. The amount I spent on that crystal clump weighed on me. Try as I may, I didn’t see much joy in having it anymore.

Two high points were when someone splashed their iced lemonade on me during a sweltering day, and someone splashed hot tea on me during a freezing one.

The only thing that topped those was when Elra decided to bring me a gift of forgiveness. She had gone to the Arabesque outdoor market and bought me a supposedly genuine genie’s lamp. It was a lot like those in the movies, only plated with copper.

Despite the inviting etchings around the belly of it, this seemed like something I couldn’t have faith in. She told me that to these tribal people, the legends are real. One touch and one thought of your wish, and it could be instantly granted by a supernatural power.

I decided to keep my mouth shut and nod graciously. It was a lovely gesture, but she shouldn’t have gotten something that would set her back even further. She had so many worries of her own. Aren and her were probably on the brink of losing their apartment. Why would she do this? Rather than ask, I accepted the lamp and said thank you.

******

​I thought I could forgive myself for all this, but it turns out I couldn’t. MacMiller’s food sustained me for a while, but not for long. Nothing else was coming my way, and all the money was tied up in the crystal. And Elra. Oh, poor Elra. Her situation was only wearing thinner and thinner.

​I would spend my nights writhing in pain over all I had done. I tried to push guilt away, but it would only come back stronger.

​One day, I decided I had to risk going back to MacMiller’s store to apologize. As soon as the store came into view, I saw a sign across the door. My heart beat faster and faster as I stepped forward to read it.

“Going Out of Business Sale! 40 to 70% off all remaining merchandise.”

I stood frozen as a statue. My soul seemed to convulse in knots, splitting and splintering from my head to my toes. A deathly scream echoed through my hollowed-out body, and I compulsively shook. All the world I had ever known came plummeting to the ground.

I ran back to my dwelling place. I whizzed past startled pedestrians and frightened dogs, not stopping for anything in my way. I nearly mowed down all my possessions when I got there.

I gripped the crystal in my hand and realized this was all my fault. I did this! I wish I could take it all back! I had destroyed everything, and it wasn’t worth it. I had to go. I had to go away and disappear. I had caused nothing but trouble for the ones who cared for me.

With one last wish for Elra, that she could finally have everything she needs, I threw the stone into the genie lamp, nearly shattering it. Then I ran away forever.

******

​That evening, Elra returned to her apartment and was stunned opening the door. Stacked high in large piles were bags of all manner of organic fruits, vegetables, nuts, as well as juice bottles and dinner boxes.

The table was lined with money, and in the middle of it all… the finest paints she had ever seen.

​