What Am I Missing?

Day 1

My mission is simple, to learn about humans by becoming one. They’ve got a written history, but I’d rather go in fresh and improvise. I’ve been doing this a long time and consider myself an expert at blending in. Confidence is the key. If you just look like you know what you’re doing, it’s generally accepted.

I chose this human form at random. It is round and soft, with narrow shoulders and two mammary glands jutting out from the rib cage. A bit of an obstacle, but I think I’ll manage.

The glands are balanced on the other side by an even larger gluteus maximus covered in a generous layer of subcutaneous fat. Quite comfortable for sitting.

The face, my face is capable of a variety of expressions. Fellow humans may look upon it and know my intent.

This body is healthy and complete. I must find the proper occupation to sustain it. That should be easy with my universal knowledge of quantum mechanics.

Day 26

I have secured employment at The Quantex Corporation. The other humans here, especially the broad-shouldered ones with angular faces, do not seek my knowledge or value my experience. They seek only to explain their inferior understanding of the subject. It is very frustrating, but other soft shouldered humans in the lab appear exhausted whenever I bring it up.

I am beginning to see a great division between humans with bodies like mine called ‘she’ vs. the tall angular ones called ‘he.’ They often behave quite differently for no discernable reason.

Day 35

While taking public transportation, the hes spread their legs wide in spite of the limited space. It is not all hes, but it is only hes engaging in this behavior.

Now that I have succeeded in living independently, I must try mating. I’ve made an alliance at work with another she. We laugh at our shared experience after work while drinking fermented fruit juice. I can imagine that mating rituals are a similar ‘vibe.’

Day 41

My she friend, Ashley helps me use a dating app to match with a stranger who has interests like mine. My body has concave sex organs. I have reasoned that I must be on the receiving end of the reproductive coupling. Perhaps I am getting ahead of myself. First, we must establish a report.

I meet him for dinner at a restaurant. I am wearing a blue dress I find pleasing and comfortable. However, I have decided to forgo the face paint that is popular with she humans. Painting new facial features on top of the natural face seems counterproductive when building connection.

My date called Ryan approaches me skeptically. It is unlikely he does not recognize me from my ‘selfie’ taken yesterday in the same dress. He sees my face; his eyes scan down my body then back to my face. We make eye contact and he acknowledges me verbally with a greeting.

He looks more or less like his pictures, so I do not feel it is necessary to scan him as closely. I am more curious about what we can learn through conversation. He asks me where I am from. I regret that I cannot tell him about Glorblax. I say that I am from the mountains. A half-truth.

He tells me about his childhood in Cleveland and going to college at Ohio State over drinks. When the meal comes, he goes on about his career as an insurance adjuster. I listen. I’d like to tell him about my new job, and the true crime podcast I’ve been listening to, but he does not ask. He speaks so passionately about pickleball that I cannot get a word in.

The waiter places the check on the table and Ryan quickly snatches it up. He smiles. I smile back, polite but confused. When we leave the restaurant, I say goodbye and head for the subway station. He pulls me toward him by the waist and tries to kiss me. But how can this be?

He did not learn anything about me tonight. He only knows that I am from somewhere with mountains and that I like my steak cooked medium. That’s only because the waiter asked me! How can two people have such a different view of events?

I break free from his grasp. I think that perhaps he is confused, so I tell him how I feel. His face turns red, full of rage. Then he spits and shouts, calls me a ‘bitch.’ I am unfamiliar with this word, but I get its meaning from context.

Day 42

I strongly considered ending the mission after last night’s encounter.

These beings are hostile!

But perhaps I should stay.

There is much to be done here.