Hollywood’s Guide to the Apocalypse

If there’s anything every generation alive today is ready for, thanks to George Romero, Robert Kirkman, and Zack Snyder, is the apocalypse. Whether it be zombie, bird flu, AI, or nuclear bomb induced, we all have our own little guide to the end of the world. Baby Boomers through Generation Alpha have Romero’s every “Of The Dead” movies; Return, Night, Dawn, Day, Land, Diary, Survival...an entire collection of survival kits. Generation Z have The Walking Dead, The Core, and 28 Days Later. Not to mention Zombieland. Everybody has that step-by-step guide.

If Vocal is still running when the zombie hoardes also come running, then hopefully some of you can find this collection of apocalyptic movie and television show inspired surival tips handy!

Terminator & The Matrix

If you take anything away from these movies, besides the quotes, is that artificial intelligence is bad, bad, bad. AI is starting to be a permanent headline in the news, but I'm sure we have plenty of years before it becomes a threat to humanity. Decades, even. Right? Anyone? Just as long as we let AI only make deepfakes and help us hug our long-dead family members in pictures and videos, and not take over any military operations, we should be good. But keep an eye on those Tesla bots and electric cars.

Speaking of which...

Leave the World Behind (2023)

Everyone who’s seen this little gem probably remembers the same thing when the movie comes to mind. Attacking Teslas. Not the bots, but the cars! This time, the end of the world starts with power outages, disruptions, and God forbid, WiFi problems. But nobody told the self-driving cars to hold tight; there’s a scene where they just keep driving straight into a pile-up of even more EV’s.

But what happens if the apocalypse is more weather-y?

Geostorm (2017) & The Core (2003)

I absolutely LOVED The Core when it came out, and still do. No movie like it had ever been made, and still hasn’t. It showed you what happens when the government develops a weapon that, well, weaponizes earthquakes. It can make earthquakes wherever you want, but it accidentally stops the rotation of the earth’s core.

Likewise, Geostorm features weather altering satellites, initially designed to stop bad weather. Suprise! Someone decides to weaponize them and starts freezing villages and setting fire to Hong Kong.

Lesson learned? Leave the weather to mother nature, or else you might get something like we got in The Happening. Bad acting and a really reduced population.

The Day After Tomorrow (2004)

While we’re on the subject of weather, let’s take a quick look at this one. The only time it’s EVER a good time to burn books is when the planet enters another ice age.

Moving on...

Deep Impact (1998) & 2012 (2009...kinda confusing, sorry)

This is the last step that needs to be covered before the actual end of the world.

Be. Important.

Or rich. Or lucky. If you’re important, you’ll be pre-selected to be taken to an underground bunker full of seeds and food and wine. If you’re lucky, you’ll get picked for it. And if you’re rich enough, you can buy your way into the bunker or ark.

What happens if you’re none of those? If you aren’t lucky, rich, or important, then grab a baby and a motorbike and find higher ground!

Supernatural (2005-2020)

The main focus of this (best) show (ever) isn’t really the apocalypse, but there is a string of episodes where it does show a possible future where the demonic Croatoan virus has ravaged the planet. None of what happens really matters; what you need to learn from this show is one thing. And no, while pie is fantastic, don’t hoard it. Hoard toilet paper. Hoard it like it’s made of gold. Because it is, says God, aka Chuck.

28 Days Later (2002)

Now it’s time to get into the more zombie-esque scenarios. While the director of this film said no, this is not a zombie movie, it’s close enough, and it holds some pretty important messages. One of which? Raise your own frickin' chickens. When survivors show up at your gates and at your dinner table (or you force them to join you because you want to use them as baby vessels for you and your friends), you’re gonna want fresh eggs. Not eggs that have been sitting out so long that no amount of salt can save them.

The lesson learned from the chicken thing, besides raising chickens? Do not trust people; even the military. You could get drugged and impregnated, or eaten, or everything else that was encountered in...

The Walking Dead (2010-2022)

The zombies will certainly be very, very dangerous, but not even close to how bad the living will become. Every episode of every season of this show should be watched, notes should be taken, and bullets should be hoarded.

And for the love of all that’s holy, wear hearing protection. All that shooting leads to deafness, and if you can’t hear a zombie rawr’ing from two feet away, you’re as good as dead.

The Road (2009)

Again, people suck. Trust them only as far as you can throw them. When times get tough, humanity can either shine or get really, really dark. And hungry.

I Am Legend (2007)

While people suck, we all know that dogs are awesome! Even when a cure for cancer you designed yourself actually turns people into zombie-like creatures who hunt you at night and trick you with mannequins during the day. In Legend, dogs are not only man’s best friend, but immune to the airborne strain of the zombie virus. Not the form spread through bites, however, as Neville’s dog Sam finds out in one of the most heart-wrenching scenes every to grace our theaters.

Still, find a dog and you'll have a friend till the end of the end.

The Last of Us (2023-?)

The whole point of season one of this show was for a middle-aged apocalypse survivor to smuggle a teenage girl across the country. It’s nothing weird; she’s immune to the fungal virus that’s wiped out much of the planet’s population (and made some gnarly mega-zombies).

Circling back to the pregnant thing, this is a case where, if you find yourself looking for a cure, just find a pregnant woman who’s infected, get her to have the baby, and boom! You have an immune little person from whose blood you can find a cure. You’ll be famous! They’ll name a high school after you! Oops, wrong movie...sorry Deep Impact. Besides, fungalocalypse = no more high school, no more books, no more teacher’s dirty looks.

Legion (2010)

This film serves as a warning to not only trust little old ladies eating raw steaks in diners, but also to being pregnant before the apocalypse. Because maybe, just maybe, you’ve got humanity’s savior in your belly and you’re going to be running from demons, monsters, and rebelling angels for a while.

Back to being serious, and ending this with quite possibly the most important zombie apocalypse survival guide ever made:

Zombieland (2009)

The list of things to do if you want to survive a zombie-ridden wasteland are all right here. Always double tap. Fasten your seat belts. Don’t be a hero, unless you need to be a hero. Do cardio stay limber; always be faster than the slowest one in your group. Print all the rules from the movie out and put them in a ziploc bag.

Now, nut up or shut up and get to doomsday prepping!