Act 4 Part 1 - Meeting Tinder

Scene 1

I woke up the next morning like anyone would have imagined, realizing I'd made a huge mistake. Although, that sentiment would change like it was a ball in Tennis. One minute regretful, the other recalling my reasons why. Too many ways to look at it. Not wanting to bring a girl down while also knowing it'll be harder to get throughout without her.

For once I remained mostly calm throughout the day as she insisted we wait until after school to talk. It only made sense to listen to Juliet now. But on the bus, she wasn't very responsive and that left me worried. I tried to lighten the mood before we talked.

Usually we went on her bus, but today she'd come on mine. As we started walking, I started getting flustered. I often would when I'd have an idea or plan in my head about how something should go, and would have no backup plan for what would come. I'd come prepared with everything I needed to say, while it slowly slipped away listening to what Juliet had to say.

We turned a corner and stopped partway down the next block. "I thought you'd be stronger if I started dating you..." she sadly said, "and I'm not talking about muscle, I don't care about that,"

I joined her in looking sad. I knew what strength she meant. That didn't mean I didn't want to be fit for her anyways. It was the same strength I'd contemplated the night before whether I had any left or not. The type of strength I'd wondered most of my life if I'd ever really find. A boy who'd previously felt like a disappointment, only felt more like one. And everything I'd prepared to say accumulated into, "Yeah... I know..." and the rest happened all so fast.

She started to cry while my mind raced. If a smile was the best thing in the world, you can bet your last non-crusty sock making her cry was the worst. I vowed to never be the reason she'd cry again. I tried grasping at words as she said, "I have to go Romeo..." turning around, walking away still crying. I grabbed her arm and lightly pulled her back, pleading for her to let me say my peace. To let her know I loved and respected her, but we couldn't date right now. All these ways I tried to be more and was left more confused. People wanting me to be strong, while shooting down the times I'd try.

I debated about forcing her to stay. What happened to us talking about this? Was she trying to give me a taste of my own medicine? Was she trying to show me what it looked like to just end things without talking? I wondered if her idea of talking was her getting to speak, and then walking away when it was my turn. It wouldn't be the first, and it wasn't going to be the last.

"Don't you know I'm no good for you? I've learned to lose... you can't afford to,"

I wondered what changed since the night before but figured she must have been talking with Grumpy Greta. The only thing that really seemed clear was that she'd technically broken up with me first now, depending on the context ones given. I wondered if that was what it was really about. But I'd be faced with all the instances where I wouldn't want to believe that's who I'd really fallen for.

Time was growing increasingly slow, dragging on. I'd been counting down the years till I was out of high school, four, three. But now the months wore on and there seemed no end in sight. I'd been vehemently praying Juliet and I would make it to the summer, but even 2 months seemed like an eternity now. I figured by then, we'd have been dating 4 months and being alone over summer would allow me to open up. I'd accumulate a bit more of that strength we'd both been looking for, and finish Grade 12 off strong.

I was quite alone in all of this. Individually everyone had a different opinion about our relationship so I didn't really know who to go to. Speaking with G-Ma was far out of the question because she'd never remarried and came from a time of being whipped with belts. All she'd be able to offer were statements I could find on any Yahoo Answers forum. Mother and I were hardly talking.

I debated about running after her, briefly wondering if that's what she wanted me to do, to let her know I wasn't letting her go that easy. But I figured, she was still the girl I'd fallen in love with, and that girl would definitely want answers sooner than later. I watched until she turned the corner, I myself, not crying yet.

I turned around and walked back towards G-Mas. I snickered and shrugged my shoulders thinking, Well, that was good while it lasted! I haven't found the book 'Chicken Soup for the Weak Nerdy Boy' and I don't have a clue anymore as to where to look. My reality would be that I'd given up the moment she walked away. We both wanted me to have something, that certainly wasn't going to will itself into existence overnight, and I didn't see me finding it until I was in a new atmosphere.

Now there was no where to go but my sanctuary, my one safe place. But now that had become tainted and where the gravity of it all would set in. I'd be relieved that G-Ma was working, not wanting to talk to anyone. I laid down and that's when it collapsed. My room smelt like her... I reasoned that I was never going to wash my sheets again. That's when I started to cry, realizing I'd become a cliché of my own creation. What further wouldn't help me, was that most of my time living here, had been dating Juliet. All my current memories of this sanctuary, everything special that had occurred, were with her.

Scene 2

A confusing nightmare only commenced. The next day I got up for school like any day, wishing I didn't have to go, but knowing I needed to get it done. I'd reasoned most of the people I hated wouldn't make it to University, and any that did, weren't likely to make it through. I went to my locker and grabbed my books, setting off for class. But what had been a blessing, was about to become my greatest curse.

As I turned the corner, there stood Juliet now having that locker so close to mine and whose bus always arrived earlier. She was already facing me, almost like she'd been waiting. Time didn't only slow down in the good times, but also the bad. I stood there, looking at her sad face. I wanted so much, mostly for her not to be sad. I wanted to run to her and hug her and tell her things would be alright. But I knew I couldn't and that I could no longer see where my future laid. I couldn't lead her on.

I stood there long enough processing, that she eventually turned around and walked to class, all in slow motion. That went onto to ruin the day, while I continued trying to figure out how to fix everything on my own. That's when the record cracked and started skipping as each day became the same.

I'd force myself up to school, I'd grab my school work, and Juliet would be there looking sad before walking away to class. I'm not sure how, but email was agreed upon. Perhaps I'd reached out. But perhaps because I always wanted to talk to her face to face, my email never really revealed anything, like why I'd broken up with her. I simply made three promises and a secret one.

The first was that I'd simply become too exhausted with everything in life, I couldn't just chase her like I had before we dated. A second being that if this course of action lead her to find another guy, I was never going to stand in the way of her happiness, even at the expense of mine, even if I figured it out all too late. The third was one that wouldn't really be fair to either of us. She wanted me to remain sober and not smoke pot. I'd agreed, but would quickly come to find such ultimatums don't work. People need to quit things because they want to, not because someone asks them to. Otherwise, as soon as those people you're doing it for are no longer in your life, your reasons for having quit have also left.

The secret promise I made to myself. I knew I wasn't there yet, but I was quite sure the path I was on would lead to more confrontations with death. I made a promise to myself, that I was never going to use that against Juliet. I'd reasoned I wanted her to be with me because she loved and wanted to, not because she was worried about my life.

But by day 5, the effects of my growing insanity were taking shape. It only lead to more clumsiness from an already clumsy guy. I'd gone over to my parents for one reason or another and had gone to the garage to smoke. I'd brought my laptop out presumably to message Juliet. I was definitely the guy to trip going up the stairs. And my thinkpad 2006 laptop went soaring forward into the concrete stairs. The $200 piece of junk I'd bought just to communicate with Juliet because my parents wouldn't let me have my cellphone. Now it was destroyed. I screamed wondering how my nightmare could possibly get any worse. I wasn't any less broke than dead broke.

At this point, while I'd pretty much given up, that still wouldn't stop me from trying in the logical, more grown up ways I knew I could. Other than two times, I'd been clean a couple months from pot now and had only promised Juliet I'd maintain that. So I approached Mother Teresa about moving back into the family home, knowing this was the easiest way to fix everything. Except the offer no longer existed. Now another testament of trying and just getting no where. So the question started to become, "What's the point?"

A couple weeks prior, she'd come over to G-Ma's to confront me about connecting with Bio-Dad. I was angry because she hadn't considered it was something I'd wanted to keep quiet. He'd blocked her on social media after she'd confronted him about going behind her back. She tried saying that she didn't want me to feel that I couldn't talk to her about these things in confidence. She was just really worried about the situation, and that she truly hoped I wouldn't end up hurt. To remember that there is someone already in my life who loves me and has 'always' been there to care and support you.

A couple days after that Bio-Dad proceeded with his best at a heartfelt apology for having 17 lost years. Both our hearts were broke because he never got a chance to be there. But I was always a cute kid. I told him not to push it. I'd waited 14 long years for him but I'd given up on that. Now I'm 17 and don't need a dad. He said he was proud of me but I wasn't sure what for. He'd get clingy for a bit before I cut him lose.

But when I did ask to come home, Mother Teresa sent me a list of 10 reasons why I'd ruined my chances of coming home. One would contribute behind the scenes to the why of how most of what happened went down. Mother Teresa felt betrayed I hadn't talked to her about meeting Bio Dad and a multitude of things that came with that. I pointed out I wouldn't have had to if I wasn't backed in the corner I was. But we were going to see things from opposing sides for a very long time.

But by the time Mother Teresa would agree to let me come home, a few weeks had passed and I was even more into the pot than I had been before. So when she said she was getting a drug requisition from our family doctor, I knew I was again back to square one. I don't recall if I made her get it and failed it, or if I just told her not to bother.

Bio-Dad certainly wasn't worth the fallout. He quickly figured out I was a romantic so he often used his own relationship problems to strike up conversation. I always wanted people to find their one. He told me they had a huge fight, he was done and just wanted to go away. I should have realized that was in line with his character, but I said, "Fights are part of every relationship. Running away from the problem won't make it better and you won't fix it for the next time,"

When he didn't like what I'd say or expected me to say something else, he'd often drop communication for a few days. The next time we talked, he was inquiring on meeting. I wasn't there yet. I said if he hadn't saved up for my education, the least he could do what help me figure out my car situation so that I could be mobile. He assured me he was coming into some money soon and he was going to get me something fancy.

Something else formed behind the scenes, unbeknownst to me. In part due to my inability to talk to my mother about my own intense relationship, Mother Teresa began assuming that Juliet was much more involved in my life then what might transpire. She'd figured if we were old enough to make that sort of decision on our own, obviously we had this whole thing figured out. Obviously I didn't.

The next big thing that would cause a whole lot of contention was Mother Teresa relying on third parties for information. This could lead to the wrong information entirely, while also doing absolutely no good to my mounting trust issues of who the fuck I could even trust anymore. So next she said I hadn't changed and that I was a drug dealer. I lashed out wondering where she'd heard that, telling her that I'd smoked pot twice in three months. But if she wasn't believing me before she wasn't about to now.

She claimed she had sources saying I was buying pot for everyone at the school. Which was a far cry from being a dealer. It was simply logic to me. Not only did I have a connect with good bud I trusted, the more you bought, the cheaper it was. Habits were already expensive at my age. Anything to lower the cost made sense. I imagined me and each of my friends going individually. That seemed more heat than one of us just having bought a bag and splitting it later. Either way, she'd made it clear I wasn't coming home and while I couldn't help but love my mom, I only continued to blame her.

Each day began to draw on longer than the previous one. I let the record skip along that crack for 3 weeks before I knew something needed to change. Anything. 3 weeks and Juliet still hadn't asked why I'd broken up with her in the first place.

After the third week, I realized I was no further along than I had been 21 days prior. What was worse, was in my depression, my school work was severely falling behind. I was three more weeks behind in homework. I was only looking at two months now before summer reprieve. I began just running away, stuck in not knowing what to do. I just knew that I was ending up in endless cycles. Where I needed to be good and do better, but where I was always left too depressed to try. With moving home out of the question, I really only had my grades to rely on. If I wasn't banking on my future, there was no future with Juliet either way. So if she was affecting my grades, she also needed to be removed from the equation.

"Cause I told you my level of concern, but you walked by like you never heard"

Instead of turning that corner every morning and nothing happening except watching a girl walk away from me sad, I'd grab my books and head back out the way I came in. I didn't have long, but knew she'd just go to class while I thread the needle to my own by smoking. I really just couldn't stand seeing her like that anymore and her not doing anything.

There seemed to be one good piece of news that came out in May. Between dropping some classes and failing others, leaving high school a semester early was no longer an option. The school district unveiled a new option you could take instead of going to class each day. One was for cooking and the other for trades people. Except the class size was very small and they were only accepting two candidates from each school.

I'd be shocked to be accepted as one of the two kids from our school to be chosen for a semester of this cooking program. I'd figured if everyone else had it out for me, they'd surely chose anyone else. I wondered if the Wing Leader had some part in getting me in. Now Grade 12 would consist of the remaining core classes I needed in semester 1, and during semester 2 I wouldn't even need to come to this school everyday! I wasn't sure how Juliet would take the news.

Scene 3

I started working at Pizza Mansion, but that would only amount to more stress. I still didn't have a vehicle so I was still relying on other people. I'd be grateful that Walnut rarely asked for much in return. But when I'd have to rely on my cousin, it was no different than looking for drugs. I was forced to converse with people I'd have rather not. Finding myself in situations I didn't care for. At this point in life, she'd lit a car on fire having driven it with no oil.

The restaurant was a mess. But what became the biggest, was quite like most of my unfortunate luck, like having accidently dyed my hair the same colour as Juliet's. Out of all the places I could find to work at, the only place I got an interview for was right across the street from where Juliet worked. Every time I'd go to work, every time I'd go for a smoke, I couldn't help but look over and think of her. Imagining how much fun she must be having with the manager I let her go for.

I began working until 2AMs on the weekend when the store would close. They asked me to cover a shift once, and I just kept taking them. I reasoned I wasn't sleeping anyways, so might as well make the cash. Hopefully buy that car. But that would prove impossible, as I'd try to fill my growing void with anything of substance.

One day I received a message from a different cousin, one a couple years younger. She was wondering if her friend, Tinder, could message me. I didn't see a problem with it. I'd left Juliet for one reason, but other girls weren't Juliet. I figured anyone who wanted to bother with me at this point must be equally as nuts. I'd just broken up with Miss Universe after all. So it seemed pretty harmless but I was that sad boy just wanting to be loved by someone other than my mother.

Within a week, things were already getting spicy. I couldn't understand why the ladies were so overtly sexual with me. She asked me if I wanted to stick Stumpy in her butt. My eyes widened, bewildered. Stumpy wasn't interested, but was excited. In my neurotic state, I considered Juliet didn't have magic. It must have been all Coffee Making. But that was me praying for an easy way out of my hell and torture.

When Tinder found out I worked close at Pizza Mansion, she suggested I sneak over after one of my shifts. The night came and I was quite excited. The added secrecy only added to the excitement. I got there and said 'hey' and that's where it started to go wrong. I felt bad given my own faults were constantly being pointed out, but her voice wrecked my brain. A far cry from Juliet's soothing one. Not wanting to be disrespectful, I disregarded it.

We went in and began cuddling. She played hard to get which only made me want it more. I mean, they say nothing good happens after 2 AM, so between the conversation, there didn't seem to be any other reason to have me over that late. She'd say I had magic fingers and that was it, a nice hit to the small reserve of positive self esteem I had. Next we were going to try the waterbed but that's when everything went off the rails. She suggested a position I'd never tried.

That's when it all set in. It all felt wrong and I began feeling gross. This felt like something that I should be experiencing with Juliet, not some random girl. Tears welled up and I began to silently cry while banging this girl. Now, like most times as of late, I dreamed of escaping a reality I'd got myself stuck in. I sped up knowing the easiest solution was just to finish. She begged me to slow down knowing I wouldn't last long at such a pace, while I simply acted as if I hadn't heard, apologizing after for terrible Coffee Making.

She said it was okay and that we'd try again later, but I knew that wasn't going to happen. I also knew I had no easy escape and that telling her this was a mistake wasn't going to end in my favour. I suggested we just watch TV. I also didn't have a ride. Originally I was supposed to have my cousins vehicle for the evening as part of an arrangement she backed out last minute on.

Shortly after, Tinder came onto me again and that's when waiting became too much. I told her that I was just much more exhausted from work than I expected. I made an emergency phone call to Mother Teresa, dreading waking her up, but reasoned I rarely did and at least I wasn't drunk. Now I just had to wait. I kept my act up, apologizing again but insisting I had a good time.

It hadn't and I'd end up waking her parents on the way out. We ended up triggering the home alarm. She found it funny but I obviously didn't have much to be amused at. Mother Teresa pulled up and I jumped right in the van, and let out all the tears I'd been holding in for a couple hours. Mother Teresa held me and asked what happened.

"I slept with a girl and it wasn't Juliet," and that was all I'd needed to say. I'd also figured something else out, but like most things, took the hard way to learn. Mom had been right about Making Coffee all along. I understood that Juliet really was magical and that we'd never been Making Coffee. We'd been Making Love the entire time. Mom understood enough and just let me cry for the next 50 minutes. If I was a terrible person before, I'd definitely just amounted to everything I'd hated.

"Baby, I'm a bad boy. I might hurt you. I need a therapist, and a part 2"

Tinder could tell that I was checking out and wanted to know why. Like any other girl, I figured there wasn't anything I could say that was going to stick. Yet, I wrote her up a long message. I reiterated in the message that I'd made a mistake. That she wasn't the mistake but I was truly in love with someone and I couldn't just change that. I apologized. My cousin was equally mad at me while Mother Teresa was mad at her for having even introduced us.

And in the end, it really didn't matter, because Tinder refused to hear what I was writing. Instead I just became like every other guy she'd met and that she was good for more than just Making Coffee. I didn't say it, but wondered why that's what she kept presenting then. And that's when I threw my hands up as she missed the all the points. Because I knew I wasn't like every other guy.

There was going to be no easy way about this, but I'd already grown the problem of having lost my ability to even approach Juliet. And these became the many ways I'd grow up to see how other people might have saw me as self-absorbed. I really wasn't, but when trying to figure things out, I only knew my perspective and what I needed to happen or what made sense to me. Sometimes that meant my actions might have made less than any sense.

I figured I had two options, Juliet and I were going to have to talk about my most recent faux paus sooner or later. I figured since everything was already blowing up, it made more sense just to bring it up now, than to get back in her good books over the next year to piss her off and end up back to square zero for not having told her.

In my ever growing insanity of great ideas, I reasoned that the school was pretty good at telling Juliet things they'd think I didn't want her to hear. It might take me a decade to realize, insanity or not, how much of an embarrassment I was becoming. I simply saw the reality I'd formulated.

I'd tell Huckleberry I slept with another girl, and then he'd obviously tell Grumpy Greta who would tell Juliet. Juliet would get mad and come punch me hard, saying that I was a stupid boy. And then I'd say "Yeah, I'm stupid, and you have a right to be mad at me. But I also learned a lot..." But that's exactly how it went down.

Instead, I told Huckleberry and next thing I knew the entire school was talking about it. Then Juliet came to find me and she angrily said, "Romeo, if you really loved me, you wouldn't be sleeping with other girls and I wouldn't have to tell you that!" and I bit my lip, because part of me wanted to say, "I love you too much and that's EXACTLY why I'm sleeping with other girls". For all my failed communication abilities, I'd somehow reasoned she would not understand that like I did. And before I knew it, before I could say that I learned anything, or that it would never happen again, or that I'd wanted her to know now instead of a year from now, she did what she'd become good at. She turned around, and walking away.

Now the rest was just another spectacle for the school to behold. People couldn't believe that lap dog was sleeping with other girls. Guys coming up to me and patting me on the back like I'd won the schools first football champion in years.

"You banged a chick... and it wasn't Juliet?!" one exclaimed.

I rolled my eyes, "Whoopy. Look at me go...!" If the water had been hot before, it was now boiling over.

Scene 4

Originally with the Marijuana, I debated about excluding it. I didn't want to remove from the rest of the story by people going "Oh, it can all be chalked up to your Marijuana use". I'd initially struggled with this next part of the story, because I talk about a fake memory I created. While not wanting to hide anything, in much the same regard I didn't want people to go, "well, if that memories fake, how can we trust anything that's written?".

It was a drama class presentation of all things, within the last week of school. I'd wanted Juliet to be there to support something weird I was doing. She'd come to support me during the Canadian Improv Games and said while it wasn't really her thing, I did really good. She'd come to watch my One Acts. That tug of war between being myself, and trying to be everything I wasn't.

I'd been writing this entry as I had most, but by the end of it, I was like "This entire memory is far too happy". The memory went down like a sad boy would have hoped it would. With Mother Teresa and I at odds, it was Bio-Dad who showed up. Juliet was also in the memory. Everyone was smiling and congratulating me on my performance. My smile having had this one good memory was quickly replaced by "Wait a minute... This is all too good to be true..."

So I spent a bit of time uncovering the truth. When I first started writing high school, that movie reel had really progressed into something else. It was hard to organize everything. Now I looked from the eye of a green tornado not able to see anything past it in its ferocity, lightning flashing around, creating this dense atmosphere. The different terrible memories whipping around viciously at I try to grasp and organize them.

Piece by piece, the fake memory crumbled as I recalled the truth. That no one was there. Like most things, I played up my happiness for the friends who'd all immensely enjoyed my Mime to Music to Toto's Africa, but I was very torn and sad. Mom wasn't there because I told her she wasn't allowed to come to my events anymore. And I understood why Juliet wasn't there, me losing my mind and having just slept with another girl.

But what had really destroyed me, was a boy who stopped asking for much from anyone. Now all I'd really asked of my Bio-Dad and his fiance was to come watch his son do a weird performance. It would have been the first thing he showed up for. He'd promised, and I'd stupidly held him up to it. Except that he ended up getting drunk and sick, unable to make it. He'd text me later to apologize and explain that it wouldn't happen again. But that instance had been enough for me to stop expecting anything from him except smokes.

Scene 5

Juliet and I did have a mutual friend, but that would only become as confusing as anything else. I'd always wanted us to figure it out, and I'd never wanted to put someone I considered a friend in the middle of that. But there was another reason and the reason he'd get the nickname Patty Cake.

I joked once that he had the feels for Juliet. He insisted he didn't, and Juliet laughed at the idea, but I knew. I knew because his face had spoke in volumes. One time, while Juliet and I were breaking the rules the school tried enforcing on us, I looked over while we wrestled and saw something I'd seen on my face before.

The look I'd get every time I had to listen about how bad Juliet's ex treated her. So I always figured I knew. It seemed even less fair to put him in the middle of that. But Juliet also wasn't mad at him, and Juliet certainly wasn't telling me how she was really feeling. In retrospect, neither was he.

But poor Patty Cake didn't realize the odds were stacked against him. I'd asked Juliet once if I was now the 'steal yo girl' guy and she laughed and said yeah. Except I'd never wanted to be that guy. And I obviously had overwhelming insecurity. If I could steal her, who could steal her from me?

While she wouldn't believe that he had the hots for her, I knew my inferiority complex would be shattered if he managed to steal her from me. "Well, I'll tell you one thing, if you leave me for him, it'll be easy for me to hate you forever," She laughed and said I had absolutely nothing to worry about there.

She wasn't on social media much, but a couple weeks had passed since sleeping with Tinder and an oppportunity came to finally talk. We weren't seeing each other outside of school, and while we had seemed to learn our lessons, she opted to have our talk in the library. I really wanted to take it outside of the school, but I didn't say anything, feeling relieved to finally be able to say my peace.

She was smiling, so that seemed encouraging, this might be a great opportunity. But I only became quickly overstimulated. A couple interludes and she laughed saying, "My mother doesn't like you very much..." and that's where I lost it. Everything else went out the window. My brain was like Your mother doesn't like me? YOUR MOTHER DOESN'T LIKE ME?! OH REALLY NOW! Because this hadn't been news to me for a year or more now. These instances just left me confused about what page Juliet and I were even on.

I'd quickly started melting down and the entire points of the conversation had flown out the window. Bye bye birdie. "We can still be friends..." she suggested.

Friends? FRIENDS?! I don't think I've ever really JUST been friends with you! Me now considering a notion that I'd fallen in love at first smile. And so instead of anything relevant, I lost my shit and already broke a vow I'd made. I lashed out saying that nothing was fair and I'd put so much work and effort into getting her. And that only made Juliet cry.

Now realizing that I'd just broken my vow, that I hadn't said what I'd even wanted to, and now we were just causing another scene in the library, I began to cry. And we both cried as the guidance counselor came out and separated us. Both our parents would be called to come pick up two highly irrational and emotional kids. I'd simply gain another strike in everyone's book.

And it wasn't also being with Juliet I was starting to give up on, but just everything in general. Mother Teresa was the one to come grab me from the school and I sat in the living room while we talked. While distraught over everything that was unfolding, I'd briefly let me mom back in. She asked what was going on with me and I told her I didn't know, I just wanted it to stop and to be normal.

She tread lightly, knowing that coming off too aggresive would make me defensive. She asked about seeing a doctor and maybe finding some medication to help regulate me. Internally I got angry for the same reasons I imagine most people feel. That there's something wrong with you, like I knew, that you weren't capable of fixing yourself, like I hadn't been. What a blow to someone trying to find their strength.

But I thought about Juliet, my princess. I didn't want to be a Beast for Beauty. I didn't want to be melting down. I wondered if she could still love me if I had to be on medication. I hoped she would, because the alternative didn't look any better. But that would only be one of many things on a growing list Juliet and I needed to talk about.

It wouldn't matter, because what transpired only lasted a couple weeks. We went to see the doctor who prescibed something called 'Concerta'. He said I should probably stay home a few days so we could see what the effects were. They weren't good.

Mother Teresa had me stay at her place. I decided I'd been given a free day off, so I'd just relax and watch movies. I put in Gran Torino for the first time. Noticeably I had an even harder time sitting still then I usually did. And at the end of the movie, when Mr Eastwood goes for a lighter and gets shot, I lost my shit. I'd gone completely berserk. The living room looked like a disaster after.

I started to cry once everything calmed down. This was no better. I called Mother Teresa up who came home to figure it out. But that was also the last I was willing to talk about medication for a long while. The idea that they'd just keep tossing different pills at me until they found one that worked sounded barbaric. I wondered if these doctors even knew what they were doing. I certainly didn't want to be their Guinea pig.

Scene 6

Brushing my teeth has never really been good. It's amazing how ashamed something can make me but not enough to remember to do it. Somehow, that 5 minutes often just seemed impossible. Like most things, I'd gotten a bit better when dating Juliet. It was a weird inspiration, but made more sense to be clean for her than myself.

Like most things, I'd be on a different page then others. I knew I didn't brush my teeth, but I was also broke most of the time and would often lament on the amounts of sweets the other kids were consuming. One kid was drinking a 2L pop per day buying them at lunch. So why were my teeth always so bad? Always needing fillings?

Mother Teresa often had her own tooth problems, so I'd considered it mostly to be genetic but other people didn't have the same opinion. My siblings would only grow up to also face their own. My teeth were bothering me and so we went in to see Dr L. I already didn't trust dentists and she wasn't about to give me another reason to.

She proceeded to question me about my drug use. I didn't think it was really her business as a Dentist, but I told her I just smoked pot. She called bullshit on me and said this sort of rot was only caused by much harder drugs, like Meth. She was convinced off her mouth analysis and thus brought Mother Teresa in to inform her that I had a case of "Meth Mouth". I was in shock and shouted out that I had never done meth.

I'd wrongly figured this also wouldn't be blown out of proportion. Except, Mother Teresa questioned me in the car about my supposed Meth use. I certainly don't blame myself for losing my sanity.

Scene 7

There was fun to be had right as summer break let out. I'd met someone through my bad influence cousin who seemed cool and down to earth. He played guitar and was lead singer for a band. He messaged me up to let me know he was playing at a bar and that I should come watch him play. I pointed out that I was only 17.

He insisted he knew all the people and it would be no problem getting me in. The bar was ran by Hells Angels, some of those people he knew, so as long as I didn't make a scene, no one would care. I got a ride and went looking like an out of place, nerdy high school boy. I nervously walked up the stairs and into a bar called The Gaslight.

The bouncer gave me a look and asked what I was there for. I told him that I was good friends with the lead singer of a band playing tonight. His rough demeanor went away as he exclaimed, "Oh Leon! Yeah, he's awesome!" I agreed and made my way in. I found him talking with some ladies and he opened me with welcome arms, introducing me. Through it, the ladies invited me to sit at the table with them.

Leon suggested I grabbed a beer. I'd brought money in the off chance, but assumed I'd slide it to Leon to pull for me. When I tried to hand him my money, he just laughed at me. "Just go up to the bar and tell them what you want,"

Getting into the bar had been one thing. I'd been in bars before as a child, there was just certain rules. I figured they had gotten a bit stricter since, but also reasoned getting into a bar underage was different than buying alcohol. Not wanting to look weak, my only option was to take the chance. I didn't know what I wanted, so I took the chance to ask if anyone wanted something on me. Leon said he was good, and they ladies suggested a refill on their beer.

I nervously walked up to the bar, knowing I looked like a fish out of water. I ask for 3 Kokanee's. He paused for a brief moment looking me over in my timidness. Then he asked, "Is that all for you?" I said yes, paid him, and went back to my table.

The night was a smashing hit, and the band brought the house down, got everyone going. After we partied and danced. It was great and I quickly looked up to Leon for having accepted me. Bio-Dad had promised to pick me up but when I called him, he claimed he'd gotten into a fight with his Fiance and couldn't come to get me. I didn't know what to do, so I made a last ditch effort to see if one of my city friends was up. Luckily he was and his were one of few parents who liked me.

Except that would quickly crumble. I'm not sure where it came from, presumably my last cheque of Pizza Mansion, but I had $220. I had enough to buy an ounce of pot and should I not tell anyone I had it, it should last me a decent while. It had already been a shit day and I was just wanting pot. I hated all the hoops I had to jump through to get it.

My cousin and Leon were hanging at a house I'd never been but they claimed they could get me an ounce and it would only cost $200. Amazing! I knew there were reasons I liked this guy! I went over and asked where it was. They said they needed the money first and his sister had the connect. I was hesitant, but risked it.

Next I was in for an endless wait. An hour went by and I asked when it would get here, seemed like an awful long time. I was informed the money had been handed over, now the dealer was just getting it together. It seemed like a long wait for pot since I'd already handed the money over.

We sat there, and odd things continued happening in an area I knew nothing about. Next, a strung out lady swaying back and forth just walked right in the front door and stood there. After a good 20 minutes, we'd convinced her she wasn't at her house and she left.

After 2 hours, I inquired and that's when they said they'd just been hustled. I was in shock and dismay. He said that he wasn't going to let it slide and he'd get his friends in high places to deal with it.

Perhaps I was naïve, or psychotic, or didn't want to believe a cousin I'd done a lot for had just robbed me of my last $200 so her and her friends could get high. But I believed something other than the truth.

I was still trying to figure out something, still trying to figure out how I'd get any pot. I'd gone from a decent supply should it not get confiscated, to absolutely nothing to relieve my mind. That's why I stayed. That's when I first witnessed people injecting themselves with drugs.

Poor Man's Heroin I've heard it been called. They'd gotten a bunch of something they called "Red", cooked and injected it. They'd ask me if I wanted any, and I told them I didn't want to be injecting. I had my limits. They tried, perhaps more because they all knew their fix had come from my naive bank book, to convince me it wasn't as bad as heroine or meth. But I was good and they quickly turned into ugly people. Dazed out. All doing their own thing.

Shortly after, what everyone had really been waiting for showed up. A big ol bag of cocaine. That's when I really considered the obvious. The only way a bunch of people who'd been talking about how broke they were got this many drugs, was if they'd just robbed me. Leon would just keep playing up that he was going to get my money back. They all cheered as the coke was thrown on the table.

I sat on the couch dismayed. After they bust it up and formed it into lines, one of them called over to me and asked if I wanted to try one. I thought about it. There seemed to be a consensus that you wouldn't get hooked off your first line of cocaine. I reasoned it would be on my 'try once' list. And now was the perfect time to try it.

I reasoned this one line had somehow just cost me $200, so no matter how good it was, there was no way it was "$200 per line" good. And it really wasn't. Before I took mine, I obversed how everyone reacted a bit differently. I took mine, and could understand why people used it for energy. I sat on the couch and reasoned that I was hyper enough, I didn't need any drugs that only made me more hyper.