My Daughter's Stepmother

'I didn't choose you to be in my life! And Hell, you sure didn't choose me either!

But what I have come to realise is that, unknowingly and by no choice of my own, you have become one of the most important women in my life.

And even though I never sought to have you in our life, I love you endlessly for everything that you are and what you do. I will go to my grave being thankful for having you in my daughters life. In my life. '

Let me recall the first time she properly left an impact on me. I knew my daughter's father was with someone new, someone who seemed much younger than we were at the time and I felt very separated from the situation as I had never been introduced and yet my daughter was spending time with her for many months without me knowing anything about this other woman. My daughter, my world, my everything.... Even well over a decade later and a couple more children added, I still remember that the primal instinct of mummy-tiger as I refer to it, was so intense and almost overbearing for me, She was mine and I would guard and protect her from absolutely everything I needed to.

Me and her father had both moved on. And I had settled into a lovely fresh relationship and had a lovely new baby boy to add to the family. Family life was a whirlwind of beautiful little family moments and yet no time to reflect on how precious it all was. Days were busy and full and time back then flew past quickly.

However, at that time, mine and my daughter's father's relationship was still tense and sore. The breakup had been bad and unresolved in many places and there had been a lot of feelings left under the bridge undisturbed and festering. These were often left completely unknown to our daughter as we managed productive ways to co-parent and both be a part of our daughters life in the same space very quickly. We became very good at co-parenting.

In those early days we would sometimes meet at ballet class to do the hand over. It meant we both got to see her ballet lesson as well as then her switching over to the other parent afterwards in a happy and fun atmosphere where the focus was all on her and how wonderful she was in her class. It worked in all of our favour.

One day, new mummy again me, was rushing late to ballet class to meet my daughter there and see her class and then take her home afterwards, I rushed out as fast as I could with baby in his pushchair all the way to the other side of town where my daughter's class was held. I am a frantic time keeper and knowing I was going to be late was playing on my mind.

I rush in, about ten minutes late, clutching my son tight, his changing bag heavy on my shoulder, hot red and panting from the walk (half jog) to a class already in motion and a group of calm, adoring parents, sat positioned accordingly to the class, watching their little ones dance to the delicate classical music.

Everyone turns to focus on me. At least that's how I felt. I there took notice quickly that my daughter's father was watching my pacing across the room and beside him his new partner. I had seen her a few times previously, briefly, like from the car or from afar but I don't remember any encounter which left any feeling about her. This felt like the closest I had been to her in proximity. I don't make eye contact, I try to ignore everyone around me and continue to focus on trying to get a chair to sit down with my son so I can then focus on my daughter and her ballet.

I remember the feeling of being loud and clumpy and felt like I was disturbing the room as I tried to reach for a chair whilst holding my new baby. My bag fell off my shoulder onto the floor, and then down flew my baby's dummy, and rolled across the room. New mummy-again-me, felt a bit frazzled and a bit overwhelmed in this moment. I was tired and worn out and I wanted the world to open up and swallow me whole.

And then out of her chair, rushed this new woman in my daughters life. She got down and picked that dummy up from the middle of the room. She came to me and returned it as I settled down into a seat and I thanked her.

And I sat and I looked at her and I realised she didn't have to do that. She could have watched me and done nothing. She could have watched me struggle. Everyone else did. She probably had more reason to... heaven knows all the things she probably was told about me. All the horrible things that I was. She probably heard some awful things about me from my ex and his family, all of us still in an ocean of hurt and destruction, that which an end to a relationship can cause. Stories about people are very much one sided when they come from people still hurting, I knew this only too well.

And yet, out of everyone in that room, she was the one who came to my aid. Something so little, yet I would never forget that gesture. That tiny act of kindness. I looked at her and I knew then and there that she was a wonderful person.

I didn't quite comprehend yet how wonderful however, but over a decade later, I am still realising the impact on how this other woman has shaped my life, my daughter's life, and my learning from her seems continuous. I strive to be someone like her. She inspires me.

She is well deserving of the title of other 'Mother' to my daughter. Her love and devotion to my daughter has been paramount. She has been supportive and fair and non-judgemental. I have felt like she has never once undermined me. I do wonder if I had a role to play with this however. Whether I was open to have her in my life, just enough, so I gave her that platform to be my daughter's 'Other Mother' easily. It's never the easiest having to think about their being another person in your child's life who could potentially take your child's focus away from you. These are irrational but human thoughts, I am sure the thoughts must have crossed my mind initially but they mustn't have harboured long inside me. I knew it was inevitable that new people would enter my child's life, throughout their lifetime. I saw this as a positive, never a negative.

I like to believe, looking back on it now, even though at the beginning we were all stepping our toes into new, uncharted waters, that I openly welcomed her into the role. I trusted in her character and her love for my daughter and because of that I have truly been rewarded back.

She has been the most wonderful support for my daughter. Together we have co-parented her and she has flourished into a strong-minded and resilient young woman. Strong women, empowering each other, building each other up and supporting each other, create other strong women! My daughter's 'Other Mother' is the most altruistic of people. There are many stories I could tell about all the amazing parenting she has done over the years.

We truly are a perfect team. Her differences to me only make us stronger. And really, this is about how she co-parented along side me. How her interactions with me and mine back to her, have created this wonderful parenting aura for our daughter. Her love for our daughter has never needed to be disputed. It has always been obvious. This is my letter of gratitude to her for her dedication to me. For making it work. My acknowledgement to her. It couldn't have been the easiest to know where to stand initially. How to find her place alongside the biological mother. I appreciate and understand that. I am thankful for her dedication.

'So in the end, You don't even have to like me, it does not even matter in the end, you have no real obligation to, But, I will still love you endlessly and adoringly. You are so valuable to me. So important. Nothing in my world could ever replace you.'