My First F%cking Kiss

I had my first kiss at the tender age of 15. I was in midst of an Alcohol/Caffiene Addiction and wasn't sleeping or eating. Somehow someway a guy found me attractive enough to kiss. I don't know if he was doing me a favor or just being nice. I'll never know to this day. I regret being drunk when I had my first kiss and here's why: I wasn't sober and I couldn't enjoy it. I also probably did a horrible job at kissing. I had also been sexually assualted the year before and was in a horrible amount of pain. I share my story to help others and add to a very important conversation. Was the guy who gave me my first kiss nice? From what I remember yes. But at the time I probably didn't think I deserved it and I probably thought he deserved better then me. I still think that. Looking back all these years later, I see how much pain I was in and how that guy was pretty much my life raft. That wasn't necessarily fair to him. We were young I was 15 and I think he was 16 I'm not entirely sure. But I needed help that he wasn't even close to capable of giving me. I needed therapy and lots of healing. I eventually got it. But I shouldn't have been thinking of kissing boys after all the stuff that had happened to me. However despite all those true facts, I've come to this conculson: I was meant to have that experience of getting my first kiss at 15 so that I could see a tiny glimpse of how I was SUPPOSED to be treated by someone. I was supposed to be treated that way all along. However I wasn't able to reciprocate seeing as I was in a lot of pain. I've also learned that I wasn't meant to have that person in my life any longer then a year. They had to leave so that I could bring my myself back to life again. I had to lose them for good. And while the road was rocky since (another assault and an abusive relationship later) I've finally realized that I deserve someone whose patient and kind. Someone who understands where I've been and supports that. Someone who knows that when I tell my story it's only for the purpose of helping others. Someone who is understanding of my triggers and doesn't let them happen to me. I need someone whose going to constantly prove to me that I can trust them and who loves me beyond measure. I realize this is a lot to ask but anyone whose been in my shoes will understand. I do have walls up and I need someone whose going to care enough to not only knock them down but understand that being in my life is a privledge that should not be abused. I understand this may seem like a lot to ask, but I don't think it is. I think it's important to have boundaries for yourself. Like I could never date someone who drinks alcohol. That would really trigger me and make me nervous. I'm not going to compromise that for anyone. I'm working on standing firm in my boundaries which I admit is a struggle sometimes because I do wonder if they are in fact reasonable. But they are to me which is really all that matters. What does this have to do with my first kiss? Well in a way it has everything because it taught me what I deserve.