No American Idol...

Hi there.

Kent Brindley; writer by trade, kind-of-sort-of "vocalist" for fun, jani... LOCK-ER ROOM A-TTEN-DANT by profession, and humorist by my own delusions.

...Just like many other public service jobs, now that a public who has forgotten how to treat employees after a year at home is beginning to reemerge into society, my good old local place of employment is beginning to lose said employees to other opportunities.

Suddenly, right around 20 hours a week that I have agreed to turns into so many other "opportunities" for extra hours; including many doubles.

Between folding/distributing towels and laundry and trying to maintain a clean and safe locker room, there is sometimes a lot of downtime.

What is a brain to do during "downtime" (On technicality, that means cooped up in the laundry room over basket loads of towels to refold before descending upon the locker room to distribute our spoils once more)?

...Well, MY brain will not shut up with 80s rock/pop or sitcom theme songs.

Of course when my brain absolutely HAS TO go there, what other relief could there be but for my vocals to join in if only to relieve my tiny, distracted brain of what has become of it.

Therefore, for several weeks at a stretch about a year ago, one minute, I was minding my own business walking around the laundry room. Then, I was humming. THEN, it was

"KNOCK...!...THREE...!...TIMES!...on the CEILING IF YOU WANT..."

NOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Hey; here's a swell idea...

"Knock three times with a brick to the head to clear me of THIS drek!"

"Knock Three Times..." was only the absolute worst offense; and was nearly a year ago...

DECEMBER 10, 2021

(So documented in the almanac that is "my personal Facebook page).

It was one of many "double-shifts" (12-8 rather than the usual 3:30-8).

The results of this in the customer service industry of being a CUSTODIAN were either going to go whimsical or absolutely irate by 6/6:30.

(6:00: my brain begins a familiar tune)...

6:00 and a few seconds later:

TOP CAT! The most infectual TOP!...CAT! ...Whose intellectual close friends get to call him...

THIS needs taken care of in short order. My brain, even in the "privacy" of a laundry room with an open basket access to the neighboring locker room needs a more professional distraction. We're at work here, not a rock concert! Here we go; now, let's focus on...

6:15 ish...

"Here we come! Walking down the STREEEEET! We get the funniest LOOKS from..."

...Okay, that last part would have been true if not for the face mask half muffling my latest outburst.

HEY, come on; let's try to be PROFESSIONAL (even in "privacy") here. You heard me, Mr. Human Karaoke Machine; HEY (oh no; why did I go THERE?)

"...We're the MONKEES; and people say we Monkee around!"

For the next hour, my brain is right about THERE as if it has moved on from a Karaoke session to believing itself to be Milli and/or Vanilli attempting to cover the antiquated theme song to "The Monkees."

...Never minding rock/pop/what belonged on the radio, of all of the T.V. theme music out there SINCE the 60s, my brain was vacilating between "Top Cat" and "The Monkees???" I'm out of defenses, save for "different strokes for different folks..."

7:30 (and now subjecting the Women's Locker Room attendant to this as we're BOTH present to fold towels).

"...Now the WORLD DON'T MOVE to the beat of just ONE drum! What might be right for you may-not-be-right-for-SUUUUUM (Some)! When man is BORN, he's a man of means..."

...What's the point? By now I'm out of here at closing time anyway. Besides, any time I work from 12-8, I'm so tired that my brain is in a whimsical mood for the monstrous behavior that the guests might bring for the next half-hour (Just because the gym closes at PRECISELY 8:00 [or when we can convince the same stragglers EVERY. SINGLE. EVENING. to hit the road] does not mean that come 8:01, I get to live my life. We are closed now and require the walk-through to finally release us to the world. Normally, when I'm in for a 4 and a half hour shift rather than 8, this puts me in a fairly nasty mood for what I'm dreading is coming a half hour before close...)

"Whimsical" is more obnoxious; but is STILL an improvement...

DECEMBER 23, 2021

(Final shift before Christmas)

Here it is; my final shift before Christmas (a normal 3:30-8)

The Christmas Spirit is in the air and lights are up all over town.

I must be in some kind of holiday mood in anticipation of what's to come this weekend...

3:30

Here we are. Last shift before Christmas. Be good. "Smeyse" prettily for our precious members (and don't call audibles from beneath your mask). And, for the love of everyone else's sanity, do NOT...

4:00

"Here I AM; ROCK you like a HURR-I-CANE!"

4:20

(Law and Order theme).

4:30

"...Sometimes you wanna GO (Where EV'RYBODY KNOWS YOUR NAAAAME!"

5:00

"Thank you for being a friend...!"

5:10

(A-Team Theme)

6:00

"There's no one like you! I can't WAIT for the niiiiights WITH YOU! I IMAGINE the things WE DO! I just WANNNNA be loved..."

6:10

"...like a HURR-I-CANE (C'mon-c'mon-c'mon-C'MON!) Here I AM..."

...So that's what a typical workshift kind of sounds like in my mind; just before I need to relieve my brain by blurting it out in relatively close proximity to on pitch (but somewhat muffled by a face mask to avoid BEING pitched up against a towel dryer to shut me up [the time last Thursday when the FACE of said towel dryer spontaneously flew off and tried to crack me in the head notwithstanding]. To think, my only modern offense at the time was checking my phone).

How do some of YOU get through customer service jobs without going completely nuclear on said customers? Because I'm sure that, once serving the public long enough, we all have our ticks; especially in the midst of a pandemic when more workers keep leaving than coming in...

Anyway, if nothing else, I hope that you got a laugh out of this.

(and if "Knock Three Times" is stuck in your head now, for THAT, I apologize. Any OTHER song that I mentioned was gold and, if THOSE are swimming around in your brain now, you're welcome, enjoy, and share the wealth).

The author, signing off. Thank you for any reads/hearts/tips/pleges/shares-with-broader-audiences/etc.

Write on, Fellow Vocalites!