The Illusion

The peace that comes with silence is deafening. Time has stopped, the grass is still; the kids are still asleep, and the sky remains cloudless.

I still had clothes at your house, and a bed, and toys of my own. The house was clean, and things were orderly. I had my own computer to play games on, and I was allowed to watch tv whenever.

I felt the most love from you in that house. You took me places; you helped me with my homework, and you were going to take me fishing.

I remember when I tried to make homemade applesauce. I left some of the skins on, so it wasn’t very good. You showed me how to improve it, by choosing to spend time with me and peel a handful of apples for applesauce we would never finish.

There was the time I wanted to heat up a cup of ramen for breakfast, and my groggy self forgot to put water in the cup. It burnt in the microwave. I was terrified of getting in trouble, but you weren’t mad.

When our dogs decided to have a litter of puppies, you let me keep one. I named him Lucky, because I was lucky to have him. I remember you giving a little laugh and then saying that it was a perfect name.

Then, when I accidentally left the puppies outside and unattended, one of them was stolen. I cried because I felt so bad. I didn’t know any better. You assured to me that everything was going to be okay.

One of my favorite memories is of when I woke up early and wanted to play outside. I wore one of your old shirts as an over sized nightgown. Stepping out onto the back porch, the sun barely peeking over the trees, I stopped and enjoyed the silence.

I sat with my legs dangling off of the wooden back porch, slowly being imprinted with every crack and indentation found in the wood. You could probably barely hear the humming noise I made. The feeling of being free was foreign to me until then. I was stuck in its trap, time moved slower, all of my thoughts and feelings were pointless. The only thing that I knew was this calming sensation that washed over me. It was drowning me in its haze of bliss.

You were fighting your own battles in the shadows. The ones that typically drag you through the mud, but I never judged you. I couldn’t have known any better. My only wish was to have you in my life. Now I sit by myself, in the backyard of my own home, wondering how to word your eulogy. My own demons haunt me behind every corner.

Why didn’t you do something?

When did things go wrong?

How can I ever fix this?

I know it’s not up to me to fix things. You were a grown man who should’ve taken care of yourself. I was just a kid, and I still am.

My goal is never to end up like you. You chose every wrong answer, and you didn’t care. Look where that has landed you. I’m sad for you, not because you are where you are, but because you could’ve been so much more. I’ll keep you in my heart, and I’ll try to make you proud.

So now I sit in silence, hopefully with you by my side. In peace and quiet, shall I know when you’re near, but come the crashing thunder of time to always throw it away and leave me alone once again.