What Is Love?

We’ve all been there. Maybe it was late at night after a breakup, or perhaps during a quiet moment of introspection, but at some point, most of us have turned to a search bar and typed in those three elusive words: what is love?

It seems like it should be the easiest question in the world to answer. It’s the subject of nearly every pop song, the plot of every rom-com, and the driving force behind most of human history. Yet, when we try to pin it down, the definition feels slippery. Is it a spark? A biological drive? A spiritual connection?

If you rely on movies or fairy tales, you might think love is purely a feeling, a lightning bolt of passion that strikes without warning. But if we dig a little deeper into psychology and the shared experiences of real people, we find that the answer to "what is love" is much more grounded, and frankly, much more empowering.

Infatuation vs. The Real Deal

One of the biggest hurdles in understanding love is distinguishing it from its flashy cousin: infatuation.

When we experience infatuation, it feels intense and urgent. It’s often possessive and rooted in anxiety. We worry about losing the person; we obsess over their image, and we view them through rose-tinted glasses that turn red flags into invisible ones. Infatuation is volatile. It’s a rollercoaster that thrills us, but it isn't built to last.

Healthy love, by contrast, is stable. It isn’t about possessing another person or filling a void in yourself. As discussed in communities centered on emotional health, healthy love is strengthened by time and commitment. It recognizes the other person as an individual — flaws and all — and chooses to validate their worth anyway.

If you are asking what is love, start by checking your sense of safety. Infatuation asks, "Do they like me?" Love asks, "Do I like who I am when I am around them?"

The Science of the Triangle

Psychologists have spent decades trying to deconstruct this emotion. One of the most enduring frameworks is Robert Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love. He suggests that what is love if not a combination of three specific components:

Intimacy: The feeling of closeness, connectedness, and bondedness.

Passion: The drive that leads to romance and physical attraction.

Commitment: The decision to love someone and maintain that love over time.

Different relationships have different combos. A friendship might have intimacy but no passion. A summer fling might have passion but no commitment. But the "consummate love" we often strive for in dating involves balancing all three.

Love is a Verb, Not Just a Noun

Perhaps the most profound realization you can have is that love is not just something that happens to you; it is something you do.

In his seminal work The Road Less Traveled, M. Scott Peck defined love as "the willingness to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth."

This definition changes everything. It shifts the focus from a passive feeling to an active behavior. When we ask what is love in this context, the answer becomes: Love is an action. It is listening when you are tired. It is apologizing when you are wrong. It is giving space when it is needed and offering a hug when words fail.

The Garden Metaphor

If you are struggling to visualize this, imagine love as a garden. This is a perfect analogy for understanding the maintenance required in relationships.

If you buy a plant and stare at it, hoping it stays alive, it will eventually wither. A garden requires water, sunlight, and the removal of weeds. In a relationship, the "weeds" are the misunderstandings, the ego, and the resentments that crop up. The "water" is quality time, communication, and acts of service.

When people ask what is love, they are often looking for the harvest, the beautiful flowers and the fruit. But true love is actually the dirty work of kneeling in the soil, pulling out the weeds, and watering the seeds even on the days when you don't see any immediate growth.

When You Struggle to Feel It

For some, the question "what is love" comes from a place of pain or numbness. If you grew up in an environment with emotional neglect, love might feel like a fantasy concept found only in fiction. You might feel like you are just mimicking the motions, or that you are broken because you don't hear violins playing when you look at your partner.

But here is the good news: because love is a practice, it is something you can learn. It isn't a magical gene you were born without.

Love is about safety. It is a slow-building sense of absolute affection and devotion. It involves communicating your needs and allowing yourself to be vulnerable. It is recognizing that even if you didn't receive the "blueprint" for love as a child, you can draft a new one as an adult.

The Takeaway

So, what is love?

It is a mix of biology, attachment, and choice. It is the butterflies in your stomach, yes, but it is also the steady hand that holds yours when the butterflies settle down. It is the safety net that catches you when life gets rough.

Love is understanding that the bond can end, that hearts can break, but deciding to invest your time and energy anyway. It is the brave act of saying, "I see you, I value you, and I choose to grow with you."

Whether you are navigating the dating scene or deepening a long-term partnership, remember: Love isn’t just a feeling you find; it’s a garden you grow.