Eulogy for an Emoji ⚡

Imagine this...

You meet up with a friend (in person) for lunch. Over appetizers, your friend says to you, "I read the coolest stories last night on Vocal! I know they're right up your alley. You really should check them out."

And you're game. So you ask, "Who wrote them?"

"Lightning Bolt, actually. That's this writer's pen name: Lightning Bolt."

"Cool. I'll check it out later tonight."

"Oh," says your friend, looking super serious, "One more thing!!! It's the words 'Lightning Bolt' and then you have to add the little lightning bolt emoji after the written name. Don't forget the emoji or you might not find him!"

You think...

An emoji? Really?? Is that the 21st Century version of pretentious?

You also think if it requires the extra effort of adding an emoji, you're out. You'll go read the stuff written by a real person with a real name!

Am I right?

The above story about you ☝️ is just too implausible to allow for suspension of disbelief. First and foremost, the notion that two people would get together physically in person and talk about Vocal using spoken words instead of just texting— that's too far-fetched to begin with, but then it's made even less believable by having your friend caution you about adding the emoji!

If a conversation like this ever happened, it would be more like...

"Check out this person's writing. Easy to find. The name is Lightning Bolt." But your friend never mentions the emoji. So you go and do a search, find nothing, and immediately give up.

Can you envision any scenario where having this emoji after your name helps you in any way? Nobody is going to be like...

OMG! There is this boss ass bitch author on Vocal who writes like a freakin' thunderclap! He's called Lightning Bolt! And if that isn't already the coolest nom de plume ever... there's also a lightning bolt emoji at the end of his name! It's like a subtle way of saying: 'Lightning strikes twice!' When I saw that second bolt, that extra bolt— that's when I was hooked!

No. 🤔 Don't see that happening.

And here's the thing about me...

I know just barely enough about SEO to be frightened by it. I started wondering recently: Am I being left out of some spiffy inner illuminati algorithms because of my emoji?

And I be like: Oh my God! 🤯😱😱 That is what's prevented me from having a Top Story, isn't it?! I'll bet that's the reason! It all makes sense now! I've never been a 'Creator We're Loving' either! It's obviously because my emoji shorts out all the computer brains!

It couldn't be because my writing sucks, could it?

🤔🤔🤔

🤔🤔🤔

Nope!

⚡😁👍

It's gotta be the emoji!!!

I need to kill this thing off!

Now.

Tonight.

I really hate to do it... but it's time to delete the bolt ⚡ after my _ Bolt!

Welcome to Funeral for a Jolt! => ⚡

A speech is required, don't you think, for this solemn, negatively-charged occasion? 😥

I am a Bill, but I'm no Shakespeare. Obviously. Still, I'll do my meager best to commemorate this ending of an extravagant elemental age....

⚡

Friends, Authors, Vocalites, give me some reads!

This is a parody, but also a eulogy, so expect a little misery or go away

For I come to cast aside my emoji, not recharge it!

The tales that my lightning sparked will live after the flashes

All the negative charges defused harmlessly in the ground

So let it be with my emoji.

Here, under leave of writers and the rest—

For writers are honourable men;

I come to speak-write at my emoji’s funeral

He was my friend, faithful and just to me.

He stood out in a land of letters, a symbol from a bygone age

But SEO says he was ambiguous, superfluous, ambitious!

And search engine optimization is a harsh mistress.

None of us know anything, truly, about SEO, alas, except for enough to scare us. But we are told a well-fed SEO hath brought many mouse clicks home! And we fear fucking with something we do not understand!

So did this emoji seem too ambitious to you, fellow writer?

When my nom de plume did thunder its signature, all the emoji did was punctuate

Ambition should be made of flashier stuff! Am I right?!?

When the emoji took some credit for I Have Bad Brains, was that ambition?

Was it ambition to post Bob Bodey’s Body Parts, a story that is over 8500 words? Or was that foolhardiness? No matter how well it's written, who has that kind of time?

When the emoji wrote itself into horror stories like Dead Horse Running, and The Last Laugh, and www.$ellYerSoul2Satan.hel was that rebellious self-promotion or was that for the betterment of us both?

I write this eulogy not to unwrite what I wrote with my emoji! I did love him once, not without cause!

I love him still!!! 😥

It is only because I worry he will inhibit good googling that I pull the plug on him

But what cause withholds you from mourning this loss? None that I have witnessed!

Or is it too shocking to thee to grieve for a shocker? ⚡⚡⚡

If so, suck my ass, bitch! Nobody forced you to attend this funeral! Just sayin.

⚡

Oh! my online identity! thou art fried by brutal blasts!

But I must continue to write stories without thee, my beloved emoji!

Because like all weird men of partial reason

My soul remains a __lightning bolt and my mind remains electrified!

⚡⚡⚡⚡

Strike for me, my emoji, no more!

⚡⚡⚡⚡

Nope. 😣

That ☝️ speech isn't good enough.

That speech just doesn't convey the sadness of this elimination.

Maybe I should sing. 🤔

Alright, so new approach...

Listen to this Elton song👇 , get the tune stuck in your head, and then use the melody to sing the lyrics I've written especially for this earnest occasion...

(sung to tune of Candle in the Wind)

🎼🎵 Goodbye, Emoji Bolt

Though I often used you a lot

You had just one space to prove yourself

And you made that place so hot 🔥

🎹 You struck from out of nowhere

And you crackled inside some brains

You aren’t equipped with thunder

Yet you double-charged my name 🎶

⚡

🎼🎹🎶 And it seems to me you helped me strike

Like lightning in a storm ⛈️⚡⛈️

Never meaning to stunt useful clicks

To my true searchable form

And I never should have used your flash

But I was just a kid!

Your electric appeal died long before

Your legend ever did! 🌩️🎶

⚡

🎼🎵 Writing this was tough

The toughest song I ever spoofed

Elton John created a super tune

And I am just a goof

🎶 Even when I tried 🎹🎵🌩️

Oh, I could do no better than this

All the pundits had to say

Was this parody was such a miss 🎵

⚡

🎹🎼🎶 And it seems to me, you helped me strike

Like lightning in a storm ⛈️⚡⛈️

Always thinking that it was you

That was keeping me warm

🎶 I think now I should kill you

I’m no longer a kid

Your bright flash burned out long before

Your stories ever did 🎶🎵🌩️

⚡

🎼🎶 Goodbye, Emoji Bolt ⚡

Though I often used you a lot

You had just one space to prove yourself

And you made that spot so hot 🔥

🎹🎼🎼🎶 Goodbye, Emoji Bolt ⚡

From the old man with the really fucked-up brain

Who sees you as something more than sexual

More than just added volts to my pen name! 🎵⛈️

🎼🎹🎶 And it seems to me you helped me strike

Like lightning in a storm ⚡⛈️⚡

Never meaning to stunt the useful clicks

To my true searchable form

And I think I should delete you now

For my own clicking good!

Your dazzle died out long before

Your stories ever could

⚡⚡😭😭⛈️😭😭⚡⚡

Okay...

😥😥

I'm almost ready to do it.

Almost.

😭😭😭😭😭

I need to sing one more song to solidify my resolve.

(sung to the tune of How Can You Mend a Broken Heart?)

🎹🎼🎵 I can think of electric days when charging through my life

Was everything a man could want to write

I could never see tomorrow,

And I never knew goodbyes could cause such sorrow🎶

⚡

🎼🎶 How can I delete my emoji bolt⚡?

How can I stop the light from striking down?

If I can stop the jab from jolting

Will it help my tales be found?

Oooh Oooo! 🎶 How can I complete this nom de plume

Without a symbol that is grim?

Please help me delete my emoji bolt ⚡

....and let me live again! 🎶

⚡

🎼🎶 I can still feel the volts that crackled through my brains

And misty challenges I lost gone by

We could never see tomoo-oorrow!

Who knew SEO could cause such sorrow? 🎹

⚡

🎼🎵 I go now to delete my emoji strike! ⚡

How can I stop my tears from falling down?

How can I stop my ass from bolting?

Why do I stick around?

Oh Oooooh! 🎶 How can I complete my lightning strikes

Without extra symbols that are grim?

I go now to delete my emoji bolt and let the experiment begin! 🎶

⚡

Please help me delete !

⚡ ⚡ my emoji bolts !!

⚡ ⚡ ⚡ and let me live again !!!

⚡_______________________________⚡

*BEFORE*

And now... 😭😭😭😭

*AFTER*

⚡⚡⚡⚡

🪦🪦 ⚡My emoji is DEAD.⚡ 🪦🪦

LET OPTIMIZATION OF SEARCH ENGINES INCREASE NOW!!

🎇✨👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏🎇🎆

Wow. 😮

I thought I'd be bawling my eyes out by the end of this funeral but instead, I feel ten pounds lighter.

🤷‍♂️

I hope you had a good time too!

This entire eulogy was meant to amuse and should have been published in Vocal's Comedy Community. But Vocal doesn't have a Comedy Community, which is one of the things that Really Sucks Ass About Vocal.

#Commit2ComedyonVocal!

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LIKE/❤️, Subscribe, Pledge, and/or Tip as you are so inclined. I appreciate your readership.

Thank you kindly for your support!

________________Bolt ⚡