Memories: 4 February 2026

4 February 2026

8:20 am I wake up, after being shown an image of two pale blue-green fluffy blobs that were the colour of the monster in the movie “Monsters Inc” but smaller, like the size of fairground faery floss, dancing side by side, about a metre apart. Odd! No idea what that means lol. My poor brain got a tiny bit oxygen deprived again, a bit of a backslide with shutting off my breathing.

I slept well though. At least I feel rested. So that is a positive. It’s a cooler morning. The garbage truck is whirling around the neighbourhood, grinding its metal hulk as it moves from house to house. Noisy but a necessary service.

I got to thinking how as of today I have been on cpap therapy for 19 months. I am still not breathing perfectly in my sleep. It has been a long hard struggle and after that event when I was newly starting out on it, when the machine shut off and I nearly suffocated on my own carbon dioxide, I have been in a very dark place, almost like the inverse of life, in a topsy turvy upside down world.

I have pushed myself through, holding onto life, wanting so much, so much to achieve Love, happiness and comfort and ease. But it seems it has all been denied me.

But former zombies who had their life stolen out from under them a multitude of times know how to just keep moving forward…hopeless and hapless at times. One day my life will blossom out again, and there will be great rejoicing.

One day…at a time…. Perhaps the faery floss/monster image is to remind me to stay grounded in my Carnival of Broken dreams and to dance in my spirit, and to taste the sweetness of my new paradigm, to never cede, never yield, never quit. Whatever!

…

The Pigeon

The blues jam was playing at The Morrison Hotel. It was the first Sunday of February and there was a crowd of customers there for the monthly jam session.

The day was scathingly hot and languid, with a kind of oppression you get in Brisbane summers when the days have piled on top of each other like dominoes: with little rain or respite. Nerves taut and jangled like a tightly compressed spring. Anarchy in the air.

The air reverberated with waves of humid intense heat. Thickened and soupy. We pigeons looked down upon the people gathered for the musical afternoon with only vague interest. We fluttered together, cooing and posturing. Too hot even for birds.

I flew up into the rafters above the tables that are set up around the outside of the hotel. Watching the humans eating, drinking, conversing, tapping their toes to the music, posturing, posing.

Such strange creatures…humans…but good for chips or other delicious scraps.

A group of people arrive, a man and two women. I watch them excitedly wend their way to a table at the end of the veranda. One woman sits down with a little curly black dog on a leash. The other walks inside the hotel with the man to order drinks and a bowl of chips.

Another man comes to the table and addresses the woman with great affection and geniality. He’d been chatting to another woman when the three people arrived. So it seemed odd that he came to their table.

We pigeons flutter to the ground, keeping a scampering bipedaled distance from the woman and her little dog. We flew in little mad pirouettes around each other. Delighting in the heat, the sunshine and our birdy shenanigans.

The woman and man are back from inside the hotel. The woman, wearing a turquoise green dress with lovely embroideries all over it, sits down, begins devouring her chips with the stolid determination of a person who loves food.

I watch, carefully and hopefully but I do not beg her for a chip and unusually she does not offer me one. I can tell she is a kind person. She smells of birds. She must have pet birds at home. There is something else unique about her smell. She smells like all humans used to smell 6 years ago. But something has changed and I can’t quite pinpoint what that is.

She eats her bowl of chips happily and sips her drink of what humans call “Jack Daniel’s and coke”. The couple sitting opposite her are her friends. They look upon her with great affection. Even I, a stranger, a pigeon can observe that.

The man sitting to her left is strange. He sits with his right shoulder, a quarter turn away from her. As though she is not in his flock. Not worthy of being spoken to, or engaging with.

The turquoise green dressed woman just smiles quietly, eats, drinks, observes. I get the sense she is mildly offended. That she was supposed to be introduced to the man. But he has been preoccupied with talking to the couple and completely ignored her.

And astonishingly, she is not too bothered by this rudeness or socially inappropriate affront. She focuses her interested attention on other people sitting at other tables. She smiles at another woman sitting nearby. They are both wearing similar pendants. Hers a howlite blue one that she made herself, the other woman’s pendant is a turquoise green colour. The woman returns her smile affably.

A younger couple in their late 30s join the long table where the four people are sitting. They are shy and smile kindly at the turquoise green lady. She smiles back, relieved to find other friendly faces.

She studies the younger man as he has beautiful shoulder length hair and his young lady is also beautiful. I can sense an ache in her as she is alone, even with her friends and I can tell she is missing her own offspring. So she smiles kindly at the young couple and allows the emotional angst to seep out of her, down into the ground.

The little dog who is named Koko walks up to her, wanting attention. I watch her bend down and scoop her up into her arms. The little dog leans back in her arms and rests her head on her shoulder while the woman gently rubs her belly.

She declares loudly “You would have to be Insane NOT to love this dog. Just look at her…she’s perfect”. The couple who own her, nod and smile with great pride and delight.

The younger couple watch her loving the dog and they too smile and their faces shine with joy and delight.

I watch from above, earnestly disgusted at that woman, cuddling the dog …my enemy, my threat…as though she is her own child. A woman who smells of birds and earth and her own pristine humanness. Who is this woman? Why does she feel so comfortable with the dog and not her own species. Why is she here?

Why is that man ignoring her so rudely ? Why are they here? I lean out from the rafter at the ceiling, safe, confidant in my upper realms of sacred pigeonesque space. Once we bore messages, in times of war or other tribulations. Now we watch the world spin on a dime, slightly off balance, out of kilter with the rest of the cosmos.

The humans smell weird, behave weird. But we wild birds. We are the same. Holding our own as we have always done. Flying free. Living as we have always done, according to our own specific breeds.

So I am peering down at her. Willing her to notice me. She cradles and coos to the dog. The dog smiles happily. Her aged yellow teeth gleaming in the hot sun.

Suddenly, the woman looks up at the ceiling. She sees me, peering down at her. She does not flinch or act surprised. She merely returns my beautiful outraged birdy gaze. Two sets of eyes…staring into each other’s souls. Mine, small and black and piercing with outrage…hers…blue and clear and somehow grounded and sanguine. I could smell her anxiety with the human…but her eyes project to me only peace, and love and acquiescence.

There is something unique about this woman. She is not like the others. I can see she loves us. All of us. Birds, animals, herself. Even the obnoxious other humans who have no idea who she is. But I know. She knows I know. So we stare at each other for about ten wingbeats.

The people at her table witness her and I communing. They start laughing. It’s beautiful and strange. Our connectivity.

She drops her head down and says “the pigeon is upset I have the dog so close. I have been Told today!”” She giggles. Everyone laughs. I am not laughing. I am quite serious. I am not insane about not wanting the dog in my space. Dogs attack birds. Even very pretty cute ones like her dog friend is. But I am impressed with this woman. She “speaks” both bird and energy.

I realise I am safe with her. She realises she is safe with me. Her arranged “friend” blind date with the human man might not have worked out but she is happy she has befriended me! Bird love is eternal!

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons

…

8:42 pm

4 February 2025

1 August 2023: Beauregard’s death opened a psychic portal that cracked open my psyche with a deluge of energy that was utterly cataclysmic and terrifying…yet brought great love and sweetness into my life on a scale I had never experienced before…This also gave me an illusory false hope of love again.

It was another delusional hell-loop, one I have both celebrated and declaimed from an almost sword of damoclean complexity. Silly Tanya. Silly silly silly…but characteristically defiant, authentic and courageous.

26 January 2025: Charley’s death. The portal began closing. I was calm. Solid. Accepting. Another soul close to my heart transitioned and the portal is closed now.

Where do I go from here? Noone knows. When everything has been a lie, a deception…a game. An unsociable experiment. A vendetta. A trickster psy op. Then The Tanya knows Not to play.

I have been played for a fool before. Not my first rodeo...Babies. But life goes on… and I will heal. All good. Grateful for real friends and real loves whomever/wherever they are.

I am visiting Lyn and Peter and we found this beautiful beetle for their daughter Danni. I also met their granddaughter Ali’s bf Malachi who is a talented musician who plays flamenco and thrash metal.

So I showed him my mad Mama T tribal mosh. He’s 17 and from Tahiti originally…so he laughed so much I think he cried. Lovely young man.

He has a band called “Inheritance” and they wanted to perform in Battle of the Bands to get their first start but there were delays. I hope they get gigs as he’s a sweet person and the young deserve a leg up.

…

…

Oh my goddess…I haven’t had these in many many years. Thank you, Margaret xxx What a treat!

4 February 2024

It was another hot day. I visited Lyn and Peter and he kindly cut up my remaining pieces of Perspex into small squares for earring holders. He even made a jig for me so it would be easier to drill the holes in them.

Lyn and I had a swim. We had fish and chips for dinner. I was rather hungry, so devoured my cod and chips in mere minutes.

Then I came home and got to work drilling the holes, using the jig. It’s now 11:58 pm. I am rather tired. But I have had a nice day. I will finish drilling holes in the rest of the earring holder pieces tomorrow.

4 February 2023

Please read and take appropriate action. Our very lives and freedoms are at stake.

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11:11 am I had a lovely time out dancing last night. But I only got three hours sleep from 6-9 am. I got up and planted the remaining pineapple plants. 5 all in a row.

The lawn mowing man has not turned up. I am hoping he comes later in the day but it may be moot. Meanwhile the grass keeps growing. Bougie Mama is not pleased. It’s not as hot as the past few days.

My neighbours had a home inspection this morning. So they are on the move. Change is all around me. But the grass…the grass keeps growing!

…

3:28 am I have been out in the dark planting three of the pineapples that had no pots (crazy people were chucking the plants out and keeping the plastic pots lmao!)

I will plant the two remaining ones that are in pots in daylight tomorrow. I gave them all some water as the security manager told me they have been out on that Park for two days. The poor pineapple plants…in this heat!

I feel sorry for the farmer that left them all there. I hope he or she is okay. Having to sacrifice one’s crop like that is heartbreaking.

On the upside the bromelein in pineapples is said to protect against Covid. So we should all be eating more pineapples anyway.

I hope I can get these babies to grow. I will hopefully get fruit in a few years time.

So thank you to the generous farmer and to the multiverses which always provides one way or another! 🙂

4 February 2021

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Omg. What a night! I had a blast with Alter Ego at the Treasury. Some youngish heavy metal dude rocked out with me. He was a natural Ham like me so we just clicked and danced off each other's energy. Really fun wild guy.

I was actually really liking him, but he looked at his iPhone for the time and a picture of his young baby was on the screen. So I gave him a slap on the shoulder and told him he was a very naughty boy. Lmao!

A near miss.. again. He showed me a better picture of his baby son then went and danced on the other side of dancefloor with his mate. They were up from Newcastle on a Buck's night. The Buck had long before given up on his singledom and gone to bed.

Well, Hashem won't let me relinquish my singledom. I was actually interested in that guy as he was my kind of magical wildness. But G-d in Her Infinite Wisdom let me see the baby on the screen in time. (Lucky I was paying attention!) Anyway I am still in love with a certain Sado-masochist bastard who played me for 3 years. So I guess tonight was the first time in 2 years I was seriously willing to move on (even for a night). But married men with newborn babies...just Nup.

So I came home after dancing til 3 am, utterly exhausted and mildly depressed about my bad luck in life and love, made a cup of tea, drew a bath with Epsom salts (the pain, omg the pain, fuck my fatty liver, I exercised and exorcised enough already), contemplated my short sojourn on this planet and my accursed life then went to bed and passed out with exhaustion.

Abby Skye tonight. So a day of rest before I go out and make a damn pathetic-old-mothball-rotting-carcass lady-fool of myself.

But black sabbath tshirt dude reminded me that I am Amazing!!! Yeah. So was he. The brat.

Life was good. I love dancing out my dirge-like demise with wild men and women. Pretending I am Amazing is fucking hard work but has moments of sublime joy.

4 February 2018

I was lying on my couch with Beauregard lying next to me. He looked so sad and hang-dog. I have been in pain for 9 days so he has not been taken for even a short walk. I felt terribly guilty.

So I took him for a short walk around the block. He dutifully sniffed every weed and lightpost, peed on each former marker by other dogs and on the way did a little doggy doo-doo! I limped us back to the house. Gingerly climbed the stairs. He gave me a tail wag and a little grin of Thanks.

I have taken more medications, rubbed my leg with Deep Heat and am back on the couch. Beauregard is also back on the couch.

Now I am still in pain but my little doggy mate is slightly less depressed.

4 February 2017

Things I want: the man I love to man up and love me back. (Hack spew)

To live in Byron Bay, by the sea in peace love and harmony, surrounded by my beautiful loyal genuine friends.

To be healthy enough to enjoy the rest of my life in a measure of equanimity and contentment.

To prosper (in the sense of, to no longer struggle to survive on a fortnightly basis ie more than enough or plenty depending on the Universe and her capricious whims)

To be happy.

To be free.

To have world peace, freedom and Abundance for all the earth's inhabitants (human and non-human).

To be seen and valued in a world where everything and everyone is superficial, plastic and largely false.

(Not my true beloveds but so many I meet in the scene are just empty shop façades with no real substance behind their eyes. Soulless fucks. I pity them as I once walked the zombie mental patient walk but I never, in all my worst times faked my life, my love, my reality. Raw and gritty if not pretty.

Authentic pain or authentic gain. Life is too precious and rare to waste on fakery, frippery and foolery. To the men and women who faked love and/or friendship with me. Fuck you, You malignant cancerous curs.

But you let yourselves down. In your need to destroy my heart and mind you showed your true colours and they were not beautiful but shone through, even beyond the grave. It is tragic that only in death could they truly see what kind of woman I was/am/will be and what they so churlishly cheapened and threw away.

Some things come down to Fate. I had to be ennobled by my own suffering, to carve my life like an Ivory tusk torn from the mouth of celestial elephants and whittled into a blood-soaked, agonied version of myself not seen before. Like the carved ivory ball within a ball my sister stole from my mother. Lmao. Ever diminishing returns.

We can rebuild her. Yes we can. Bigger better brighter than ever before. We can love her so much she explodes like an SOS flare in the night. Untenable. Untameable. Always unrequited. Unquenchable flames of love and hope and a primordial happiness that ekes out the seams of her consciousness where once it was buried deep and now extruded cannot be contained ever again.

I miss him. I miss what could have been. What will never be. I miss my daughter (the "good one" and very occasionally even "the evil one"). I miss my bullseye target and my mark. I fall short of success in love and life yet every time I try again and get kicked by the gods and fate to the kerb. Curb my enthusiasm or zest in my quest for what is truly mine to have and hold and keep, or weep. Never!

If enthusiasm and guts and glory could be bottled and sold as an elixir of my life why, I would have $10 million and my man and my daughter(s) and security and harmonic resonance instead of this hard bitten tooth grinding, liver-eating purgative superficial fucking hell of an existence.

I am drawing a line in the sand. I have carved off dead meaty chunks of false friends and lovers in recent months.

I am ready. For the next adventure. Everybody look busy: The Tanya is Cominggggg.

4 February 2016

I went to sleep at 4.30 am and woke at 12 noon. Not bad. Less sleep than my usual quota. I have been feeling better in recent days. Perhaps not so much physically (earache,fatigue, arthritic aches) but emotionally much more settled. I hope I get much healthier! Always a goal in mind.

My Beauregard is off to his Vet at 2.30 pm for his last Parvo vaccine. Next big expense is finding the cash to desex him and remove his hind dew claws. But I am slowly getting there. He is much more settled in his being too, probably like all babies because Mama is settling down. Dogs are keenly aware of our emotional states, cats too. They reflect what we reveal to them.

I am feeling much loved and valued lately. The animals bring me much joy and comfort.

Karen came to visit yesterday and spoilt me with another amazing chocolate cake. I took her to Midnight Noodles for dinner. We had a lovely time watching Heartland (a show about sisters running a horse ranch, healing horses).

Then after I drive her home, (I got home at 2 am) I watched a show about Vikings. The Last Kingdom. It was very interesting. I love how the women were treated as equals in their society.

4 February 2015

6.48 am I have let the chooks out, weeded some of the garden, watched 2 movies "RosenStrasse" and Coco and Igor. Sewn some lace on a lampshade I am renovating with my worn out corsets. (Still got a bit more to do on that!). I have had a lovely productive night with an almost Full Moon.

Time to schluff. I feel much happier, after enjoying the garden a bit and all the love and support I have received.

The Lana's of this world can't keep me down for long. Not when I have so many positive, kind, beautiful people (and animals!) in my world.

4 February 2013

It's 4 am. Sore throat. I knew I was brewing a bug since yesterday or even Saturday.

Damn! I hope my throat is better tomorrow when I wake up or I am in for another long illness. Crapola! Well I hope my body fends off the bugs the same way it fends off the creeps. Lol! I have to trust in my own Vitality and strength.

…

Just watched Albert Nobbs. What a depressing existence he had. The bathos is crushing but a marvelous movie about the reality of unrequited love, gender bending and survival of women in limited roles in poverty stricken Ireland in the late 19th century.

All s/he wanted was to be loved, successful and happy! Dreams in common with myself! Alas for some of us, we despair for the Future is a Giant Yawning Cavern and we can only seek the glimmer of candlelight hidden in the darkness and gently fan its flame into a warm inviting Hearth where we too, are loved and Belong. So mote it be! Amen v amen! Selah!

G-d Bless the Albert Nobbses of this world and the Next. May we merit to gain the Great Love we seek and to keep it precious.

4 February 2011

I survived the Murder House. One massive filling done, another one to go early March. Grrrrrr. I had a mature woman dentist which was comforting and she seemed to know what she was doing which is special! I was supposed to be booked to see her next time but no free appointments. Hope the next one knows his stuff!

I'm still waiting for the booking for the Endodontist at Logan Hospital. Soooo not looking forward to that one!

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I managed to get quite a sunburn today while I fussed over fertilising parts of my garden with Thrive in a watering can. I thought I was in the shade but too many trips around with my smallish watering can must have given me enough exposure. I feel quite worn out from it all.

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I moved the old washing machine, and my bar fridge out of my laundry by myself with a trolley in the heat...quite an amazing feat. Lyn and Peter are bringing my new 'secondhand' frontloader tomorrow morning early. So exciting! Only problem was I had to move the bar fridge back in, cos I thought they were coming tonight. What a lot of schlepping, but it will be worth it.

I used the time with the emptied laundry to sort through stuff and have a clean out and arranged my shelves better. Nice progress! Now I just have to focus on getting my house in order!

4 February 2010

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons