A Moron’s Guide to Freezing your Balls Off

So…

You wanna feel cold to the bone?

Well you’ve come to the right place!

This brief instructional will teach anyone

At ANY skill level

How to master the art of

Freezing your balls off!

You’re probably thinking “what if I don’t have what it takes?”

Well I’m here to tell you: a dumb idiot like me can freeze his balls off

So

Literally ANYBODY can!

You might insist “well I don’t even have balls”

Wrong!

Nuts are not the only balls you can freeze off!

In order to make this instructional useful for everybody, you may apply these simple steps

And freeze your

Eyeballs

Off— TODAY!

Let’s begin

The first thing you’ll do is choose to live in a region that has harsh winters!

You’d think these hellish wastelands would have very low costs of living

Not so :)

Many are paradoxically high

Because of the cost of salt and plows

And misery

So prepare to enter

Poverty

If you’re stuck somewhere comfortable and mild, move to my neighborhood right away!

Next, you’ll take a job working outdoors

If you’re extremely foolish like me you could work security for the local parks!

You’ll be shoveling and salting

Through storms

And slipping on ice

And hurting your ass

You’ll be cursing the sky, cursing the earth, and cursing the frictionless treads on your worn out work boots in no time!

Be sure to dress for the task at hand!

If you own long underwear, stupidly leave them at home!

If you have insulated work pants, forget to wash them so you can wear the breezy ones instead

Lose your gloves somewhere so you aren’t tempted to wear them

Don whatever socks you like best

—even your thick fluffy wools—

It won’t make any difference at all, because each time you trudge through the snow,

Delightful

Little ice crystals

Will cluster around your ankles

And piss their frigid water down to your frost bitten toes

Ah—

Glory in the hedonistic satisfaction of working outdoors when the wind chill is in the negative twenties!

Oh— and when you get to work: choose the shittiest, oldest truck the department has

The yellow hand-me-down from DoT

The one that never warms up

And know this:

When it hurts to breath because the dry, frigid air is cutting your lungs…

That’s a good thing

If you’re a dude,

Your sack

Will contract

Up into your guts

And squeeze your nads from coal into diamonds

You’ll wish you brought a hot pack

To melt your pack

Back to life

Then

When the sun sets

The temperature will dip

LOW

And you’ll be as the mythic yeti

Stalking dark, empty trails

To close the gates

And lock each bathroom

If the moon is full you may choose to bark at it

Like a lone, arctic wolf

And when your frost-bitten limbs finally crack and fall away

You will not despair because the snow banks

And icy trees

Will be glittering

Like

Geodes in the clear moonlight