All the way up to 100

I take comfort in numbers

As a math major, I feel this is a good thing.

And as silly as this sounds, as ridiculous as it may be

These numbers have become close friends of mine.

They're a coping mechanism, a safety net,

The only real constant in my twisting, turning world

1 2 3 4 all the way up to 100

And onward, forever

Until I run out of numbers

Or until the patterns in my mind gently rock me to sleep.

When I stay up and read stories meant to scare me

Because sometimes you just need a good scare for no reason

When I read these tales of murder and ghosts and worse

And I stay awake, my blanket wrapped tightly around my body in a protective cocoon

I close my eyes and think of the numbers I've grown so familiar with.

2 4 6 8 all the way up to 100

Stop the frightening monsters in their tracks

3 6 9 12 all the way up to 100

Stop shadows creeping along the ceiling above me

4 8 12 16 all the way up to 100

Stop the strange noises or heavy breathing in this empty room.

There's just my own strange noises and heavy breathing in this empty room.

When anger peeks it's malicious head

After words have been exchanged,

Or memories have been triggered,

My many grudges - I am a Capricorn after all - have been prodded

And I feel fired up, my body rigid and ready to act if given the chance,

These numbers in my head remind me that there's no need for such horrid thoughts

5 10 15 20 all the way up to 100

Stop all of these pointless what if's

6 12 18 24 all the way up to 100

Stop these intelligent counter arguments I'll never get the chance to say

7 14 21 28 all the way up to 100

Stop the time wasted on these people, these ideas.

They don't matter in the long run like these numbers do.

When I think about something so heartbreaking

That all I can do is break down

And do my best to hide my tear-stained face until I can cry myself to sleep,

These numbers are there, waiting in my bed,

Waiting to jump into my head as soon as I'm under the covers.

8 16 24 32 all the way up to 100

Stop my heaving breaths and nostalgic tears

9 18 27 36 all the way up to 100

Stop my pitiful whimpers that are drowning in the excess of my saliva

10 20 30 40 all the way up to 100

Stop all these toxic thoughts about myself.

Just thinking about these numbers

Keeping me as close as I keep them,

They alleviate my fears,

Calm my nerves,

Dry my tears,

And remind me that there's a reason to wake up the next day.