Foot Bindings
I asked my grandmother how she knew she'd fallen in love.
I am not sure I ever did love him, she said.
This was before I met my husband. I was naive, a naked spring, a raw nerve
of a thing. That cannot ever be me, I knew. Sadness swept in gently like a Moscow thaw.
It is no simple thing, looking into a woman's vast soul and seeing its foot bindings.
Now, in Italy divorced with my skin singed off, when I say I don't love him mean: I have succeeded at feeling nothing most days and it mostly works.
Do you want the comfort of Nothing? Do you want Nothing, too? Be warned:
you'll never be free, even when you are nothing. Here is what doesn't work: Accepting the stages of grief. Talking about it. Sitting with the feeling.
Missing him—no, the person you were when you believed in death do us part.
Writing poetry. That, too. When I say I don't love him I mean:
I feel capsized in an endless, starved tide. What sometimes works:
selective memory. You must forget ripe tomatoes and his beard and feeling perfectly sheltered in a big blue world.
Forget coffee in bed, laughter watching TV, blowing out the candles
on the birthday cake and the quiet all-encompassing knowledge that you are chosen. Remember only how love turned to a banal everyday survival act, a trapeze act unsure whether he will catch you, how the warmth stagnated and became sour, remember the foot bindings and remember the resentment boiling
in your veins as you stick it out for the kids. Six-hour Netflix binges help, too.
A man's fingers tracing your spine. Frozen pizza at 2 a.m.
Random trips to the museum just to stand near things that last a while.
The realization that crying won’t change anything. Seeing that life is
just a dream, and refusing to participate in your own suffering.
Bite your fist.
Walk on eggshells around joy.
When I say I don't love him, I mean he didn’t break my heart, he just stopped touching it
and it forgot how to beat right.
Comments (13)
Aw, I love the name "Fox and Geese"! I've never heard of this game before. Wonderful, wonderful winter villanelle :)
That sounds so fun! Wonderful use of the villanelle structure - this one makes me smile :)
That was fun. I've not heard of the game, but definitely something I would have enjoyed as a kid. Well done. 😁
Another enjoyable poem… I’m keen to have a go at playing the game. I think I had it included with a number of board games years ago but never played it. I would be fun running around in the snow, playing it 🤣🙃.
I've neber heard of this game before but it sure seems fun. Loved your poem!
Oh this was magical. Never heard of the game but this was lovely.
I love this DK!! I've never heard of the game but the whimsy and nostalgic feel made me feel like I had!! So beautiful!
I love the playfulness of this poem, D.K.! I also learned something new since I hadn't heard of this game either 😅
What a fun poem celebrating a fun game, DK! Is this an old game or a new one? I’ve never heard of it before!
Lovely as new winter snow! I’ll have to save this in case we ever get enough snow
I don't understand the fox and geese game, but we have both here in Delaware. I enjoyed it all the same and will turn to the internet to look it up. Well Done!!
This is lovely, DK. Like Rommi, I'm curious—are Fox and Geese some kind of chasing game we don't know about over this side of the Atlantic?
Winter whimsy and snowcapped shenanigans, a well-wrought villanelle! I assume from the context that "Fox and Geese" is a game?