Gentleness and Wisdom

I’ve noticed that people in healthy relationships often share a common trait: the ability to see each other’s "dilemmas."

Sometimes, what your partner says or does might seem inexplicable—even hurtful, angry, or aggrieved. But when you refuse to retaliate and instead pause to empathize, many tensions begin to loosen. When you look past the surface to understand their true psychological motivations, they will sense it. They lower their defenses, become more vulnerable, and may even begin to rely on you because, at that moment, they are finally understood.

True "love" is often not about how much you sacrifice, but about your ability to see, understand, and truly connect with someone’s inner self. When they speak, are you willing to ask: Why did they say this? What do they need from me? Am I capable—and willing—to give it? Reflecting on these questions is essential to becoming a mature lover.

But this process also allows you to see yourself more deeply.

You begin to ask: Why am I angry? Am I sad because they weren't there for me, or because I feel unimportant? Do I have a hidden expectation for them to protect me and give me everything? By practicing this reflection, misunderstandings dissipate and conflicts are resolved. This is the most effective way to build a deep connection while stabilizing your own sense of self.

However, people often ask: "If the other person treats me poorly or uses the silent treatment, why should I be the one to understand them first?"

Frankly, it is because you have developed a sense of "loss." You have given so much without the expected return. When they fail to respond or care, you naturally feel resentment. Often, the reason the other person fails to meet your needs isn't a lack of love, but a lack of ability. Perhaps their upbringing was cold, and they don't know how to offer emotional value. When you "see" this, you realize it isn't always a choice; they simply lack the tools you desire. This clarity helps you decide which direction to take.

Most importantly, you must "see" your own predicament.

When your heart is exhausted and drained from giving, you no longer have the energy to please. Yet, if you are afraid to leave, you might get stuck in a rut—arguing and desperately trying to prove your value. In these moments, you may be ignoring the truest thought in your heart: I don't want to be like this anymore, but I'm afraid to let go.

The most precious ability in any relationship is recognition. It is the power to see their limitations and patterns while simultaneously seeing your own needs and boundaries. Understanding the other person is gentleness; understanding yourself is wisdom.

May we all learn these two abilities and find true happiness.

Thank you for reading!