In the Middle of Grief

There was a book I was writing for months but I was only ever halfway finished

I could never remember why I stopped writing it, its been a few years after all

I stare at the file on my computer wondering if I would ever finish it

Until someone asks me one day how the book was coming along

I forgot I told them about it and suddenly a wave of grief overwhelms me

My heart beats out of control, I grab my chest and sit down

I can't remember why I feel this way, what could I possibly be missing

Soon a flashback occurs and my ears are ringing

All I can hear is...cancer

And I slowly return to reality with my bewildered friend asking if I was okay

I remember why I never finished that book, why it always sat halfway done collecting dust

And I begin to remember the days I spent with my editor talking about changes to my book, and our previous work

Then the next memory comes back and I remember the diagnosis, and her gently placing her hand on my shoulder as if I was the one dying.

She told me not to worry, and to keep working on my book regardless of the outcome

But everytime I opened that file I stared at it in complete silence until the small moments of grief grew and grew

And I found myself leaving it halfway finished

Because the book never mattered as much

as the days we spent talking, and learning from one another

She always had wisdom to pass down to me allowing me to open my eyes to different possibilities and outcomes

Even in the end, she never sat halfway in between life and death. That was never an option for her

Life should always be spent living to the fullest she would tell me

So today I opened that file, and remember where I left things even in the middle of grief.