Foot Bindings
I asked my grandmother how she knew she'd fallen in love.
I am not sure I ever did love him, she said.
This was before I met my husband. I was naive, a naked spring, a raw nerve
of a thing. That cannot ever be me, I knew. Sadness swept in gently like a Moscow thaw.
It is no simple thing, looking into a woman's vast soul and seeing its foot bindings.
Now, in Italy divorced with my skin singed off, when I say I don't love him mean: I have succeeded at feeling nothing most days and it mostly works.
Do you want the comfort of Nothing? Do you want Nothing, too? Be warned:
you'll never be free, even when you are nothing. Here is what doesn't work: Accepting the stages of grief. Talking about it. Sitting with the feeling.
Missing him—no, the person you were when you believed in death do us part.
Writing poetry. That, too. When I say I don't love him I mean:
I feel capsized in an endless, starved tide. What sometimes works:
selective memory. You must forget ripe tomatoes and his beard and feeling perfectly sheltered in a big blue world.
Forget coffee in bed, laughter watching TV, blowing out the candles
on the birthday cake and the quiet all-encompassing knowledge that you are chosen. Remember only how love turned to a banal everyday survival act, a trapeze act unsure whether he will catch you, how the warmth stagnated and became sour, remember the foot bindings and remember the resentment boiling
in your veins as you stick it out for the kids. Six-hour Netflix binges help, too.
A man's fingers tracing your spine. Frozen pizza at 2 a.m.
Random trips to the museum just to stand near things that last a while.
The realization that crying won’t change anything. Seeing that life is
just a dream, and refusing to participate in your own suffering.
Bite your fist.
Walk on eggshells around joy.
When I say I don't love him, I mean he didn’t break my heart, he just stopped touching it
and it forgot how to beat right.
Comments (10)
I try to keep up with those I subscribe too, but honestly sometimes they get lost in the notifications. As for subscribers, I have over 600 and NEVER hear from the vast majority. I assume it's the same with most of us.
Love this - I think sometimes people forget that the purpose of this site is to connect with each other and express ourselves. I never liked the idea that subscriptions and comments etc should be transactional. The one problem is that I've found so many writers I admire on here that it can be hard to keep up with everything they post! Plus there's still so much to explore; I think I could make reading here a full time job and still miss some real gems... which is a sad thought!
I'd have so many more followers if everyone I subscribe to are reciprocal. But I have no idea that there are people who would unsubscribe from us once we subscribe to them 😱😱😱
I hear you! I don’t subscribe back to accounts that are scammy, and I only unsub from people who post things that really upset me more than once with no content warnings, and even then I’ll still check out their page pretty often and find something safe to read. I cannot read every single thing that is posted though from everyone I subscribe to, it’s just impossible 🫠🫠🫠. If someone comments or likes something that I post, I try extra hard to make sure I haven’t missed their latest though.
This is a sad and truthful fact. I honestly always try to keep up with who I subscribe to and who subscribes to (The ones I know, at least), but I find it hard. It's not for the want of trying but there are definitely some that are just looking for your reads and likes and unlikely to even try and reciprocate.
Yes! Exactly!
Nicely done. With Vocal, as with life, I prefer to keep my friend group small. I cannot possibly read even a fraction of what gets posted here, and I undoubtedly miss some excellent stories. I have discovered that I cannot rely upon Vocal to always select worthy Top Stories, but, in fairness, they are no doubt smothered by the sheer volume of stories published. When I do read another's work, I do so without any expectation that they will reciprocate. We are all busy with life and trying to squeeze in a bit of time for our own craft.
Wow, that is True, I notice how some creators subscribe to my Blog but never like any of my stuff! Although I like everything that they published, I'm talking about snobby Top Creators.
I was thinking about this today when Mike said he had 750 subscribers! I have 98. But its the same dozen who read my work each time. I am lucky, I think, in that there is a lot of reciprocation, in that when I see stories pop up from that dozen, I am excited to read them. But from time to time, I realise that I have not subscribed to someone I love reading, just, somehow, missed it.
Good poem... and advice💙Anneliese