To Tired To Try
I haven't decided if this is just a feeling or if it's how it is.
So. I've come to a decision.
I'm not good enough to continue.
And even though I try...I'm not improving.
Running out of things to say.
Too many things to do in my day.
No time or passion anymore.
This has been a theme all of my life.
Not good enough, not strong enough, can't improve enough.
Not smart enough or interesting enough.
Not white enough not colored enough to be welcome anywhere.
Not pretty or skinny enough to be associated with it.
I've always just been... not enough.
And I'm really exhausted from trying to be enough in SOME way.
All I wanted was to be good in one way.
My "not enoughness" carries into EVERYTHING I do.
Writing not powerful enough or interesting enough.
Not patient or understanding enough.
If I had money, I could help myself a bit more.
The "success" that I don't even know how to define anymore,
I can't buy it, I'd never be able to afford it.
I'll finish posting my book.
Or maybe I won't.
I guess we'll see how I feel in a week.
But writing articles? And stories?
Why the hell should I think people care?
What have I said that a million people haven't?
Nothing. I'm not that original.
Makes sense.
I hate humanity too much to care about it to write inspiring stories.
Humanity is hubris, driveling sniveling and whining about 'injustices.'
Makes me laugh when I hear people talk about how things aren't 'fair.'
They read more fairytales than I did as a kid, obviously.
This world isn't fair.
And if you aren't enough - then you are no one.
It doesn't matter who you are or what you look like.
I hate myself too much to write fake stories anymore.
Why should I write stories when nobody needs new stories?
They're gone anyway. They left me a long time ago.
Life is feeling really empty for me.
So there's nothing left to say.
I take care of my kids and that's... all I am good at.
So I'll get a night job. So I can actually be useful to my family.
And do what I deserve to do since I'm not good enough for anything else...
and fade into nothingness and the monotony.
And stop telling myself that one day...I will be someone.
I'll always be what I am - which is worthless.
Always have been worthless.
No matter how hard I tried.
I'm only just tired enough now to face that.
I think it'll be okay if I amount to nothing.
It's the way life is.
We're all nothing.
I might be back every now and then.
Because I can still read and encourage my favorite people.
A supporting role.
It's what I was born for.
So I love you all and to all farewell!
I'll see you in your comments section.
About the Creator
Hope Martin
Find my fantasy book "Memoirs of the In-Between" on Amazon in paperback, eBook, and hardback, in the Apple Store, or on the Campfire Reading app.
Follow the Memoirs Facebook age here!
I am a mother, a homesteader, and an abuse survivor.
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Memoirs Of The In-Between: Chapter 5
Chapter 5 I woke up the next morning with sunlight hitting my face from the window. My body resisted the urge to get up at first. I was still tired, but I was surprised when I moved, my body was not sore. There was not a single ache in my body, and I found myself feeling a surprising respect for the fast-talking girl who came to visit me last night.
By Hope MartinExclusive • about a year ago
Comments (11)
So well written and relatable... love that last line...
This is a great poem and I hope you’re feeling good! Hugs! 🤗
Back to say congratulations on the Honorable Mention, Hope, on this week's leaderboard for Most Discussed Stories with this piece! Well done!
Ah, the everpresent fallacy of deserving, of having to try hard to become enough! The one that bitter people instill in children so that they keep chasing mirages and never discover that there is no such thing as not being enough, it's just that bitter people weren't able to love. It's not what you say but how you say it that makes it special... The how that shows the real you, which is where the hidden gem of abundance is buried. It would be so disappointing not to see you here anymore! I very selfishly hope that you will change your mind.
I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way, Hope. I find your writing reflective and inspiring. I love the way you speak boldly and passionately or write about new and diverse matters. I believe you have so much to offer, but I do understand how you feel, too. Writing at best is a struggle between our innermost desires and reality.
I haven't read anything of yours I am afraid. Then, there are a lot of writers whose work I don't read. It's really hard to capture interest in our stuff without touting it. I got zero reads until I started getting involved with the socials. Vocal Social Society on FB for example. There you can drop what you got and exchange reads. Give and then you get... life maxim and all that. Most people are genuine reciprocators (where they get time... I can be time poor, to my shame.) Anyway... all of that said. If this is a flavour of how honest and relatable your writing is, then I am a happy subscriber. Now, I have 400 subscribers but often get only a few reads.... I get that. Peace has been made with that. All I can say is, reads are wonderful and the feedback is fantastic when it comes but I still enjoy writing without feedback. I have a stack of journals that nobody has ever read that prove this, and a fully written novel festering somewhere... so many hours of my time all for what? No idea. But... I loved that I did it. I sense the same in you. Hoping that this beautiful poem is just the product of a bad day... cause you have clearly got something going on here. I can see and believe that!
Aw Hope, I think so many can relate to this. I left Vocal a while ago - in part because of these kind of feelings. It is difficult to navigate and putting yourself out there is so difficult. But I kind of realised that I love writing and the community here, it gives me joy and now I am trying not to care too much about the reaction/reads. It's not easy! I genuinely hope that you will decide to continue writing. You are good enough. x
I think more of us relate to your emotions expressed here than you might realise. Hanging on to cues from others is often how we get through our struggles as people, artists and writers. I really wish you'd stick around Vocal as although I am not always commenting, I do believe there are really good friendships and well meaning humans to connect with here. Have you looked into any of the FB Vocal groups such as Vocal Social Society?
Oh Hope, this is so sad to read :( My heart hurts for you. I know how hard it is to be your only cheerleader in life sometimes. You ARE good enough. I enjoy reading your work, I've just been spending less time on the platform. I'm always so happy to see your name pop up in notifications. Please be kind to yourself. In this tech world, everything feels more isolating than ever and it's easy to feel overlooked and unworthy. I hope you keep on with your dream of writing, use it to express these feelings. I too often wonder if laundry and dishes and shopping aren't the only things I excel at. You've got this :)
Sounds like you are really going through a burn out. I've had it happen myself several times. Be kind to yourself. Definitely don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. Write for the sake of writing. Because you enjoy it and then let the other cards fall where they fall is my hard won two cents of wisdom. Hope you feel better soon 💕
I am subscribed to you and think you r work is excellent , sorry if I miss much of it