Breaking the chains of generational trauma:

Teaching our children how to feel and deal with their emotions means changing the way we see and perceive emotional intelligence. Chances are you are parenting from a wounded place and all the tactics you are using are greatly diluted by the voices echoing in your own head.

These are the voices of your parents, relatives, and grandparents that still ring in your mind every time you meet with an emotional situation.

You were not really taught how to deal with your feelings or how to navigate conflict with others.

So you react. You punish. You retaliate.

Every time you or someone else expresses an emotion, it signals to your brain that it must be crushed and corrected.

We are going to correct this. But it is not about how your child acts... it is about how you react. And where it stems from. It is time for you to start healing your own childhood wounds.

EMOTIONS ARE NOT A CRIME AND SHOULD NOT BE PUNISHED.

Yet here we all are, yelling and serving out punishments when our kids express their own feelings. When they say no, when they cry, when they have a tantrum, when they get angry - parents feel triggered and receive these reactions as a threat to their parenthood. To their sense of control as a parent.

Someone raised you to believe that there is a hierarchy, that children must absolutely and unconditionally obey their elders. Someone in your life punished you every time you spoke out, cried, felt tired, or tried to set a boundary.

You did not learn how to set boundaries after all. Because that was not healthy parenting. It was emotional abuse.

You don't believe me. This seems extreme to say. You would know if you were being abused. Your parents are not abusers. They were tough. They had expectations. They were teaching you respect, loyalty, and to be tough. Right?

So let's break it down. Let's look at the facts.

Respect- due regard for the feelings, wishes, rights, or traditions of others. (Oxford Language). Synonyms: consideration, thoughtfulness, politeness, civility.

Hmm. Respecting others' feelings, wishes, rights, and traditions.

Emotional abuse is a pattern of behavior in which the perpetrator insults, humiliates, and generally instills fear in an individual in order to control them. The individual's reality may become distorted as they internalize the abuse as their own failings. ( Psychology Today).

According to Psychology Today, there are clear signs of emotional abuse that you should be aware of. It can help a victim understand the difference between being in a healthy or abusive household and/or relationship. This information is accessible through the internet and throughout many credible sources about Mental Health, Psychology, and Emotional Intelligence. So why are we not taught it more widely and at an earlier age?

Emotional abuse centers around control, manipulation, isolation, and demeaning or threatening behavior. Signs of abuse include:

• Monitoring and controlling a person’s behavior, such as who they spend time with or how they spend money.

• Threatening a person’s safety, property, or loved ones

• Isolating a person from family, friends, and acquaintances

• Demeaning, shaming, or humiliating a person

• Extreme jealousy, accusations, and paranoia

• Delivering constant criticism

• Regular ridicule or teasing

• Making acceptance or care conditional on a person’s choices

• Refusing to allow a person to spend time alone

• Thwarting a person’s professional or personal goals

• Instilling self-doubt and worthlessness

• Gaslighting: making a person question their competence and even their basic perceptual experiences.

Let us be clear in what is being stated. There are no grey areas. Emotional abuse is what it is.

But many of you have been raised with these tactics, under the guise that you were upholding respect for your family members.

YOU ARE NOT RESPECTING FAMILY TRADITIONS AND OLD-SCHOOL VALUES IF YOU ARE PERPETUATING GENERATIONAL TRAUMA. IT IS NOT THE SAME.

I know you have childhood memories that seemed funny, endearing, or like a life lesson that you were proud to learn. After all, you are showing respect even in your own memories to the people who abused you. To be very transparent, so were they. Because many parents and grandparents in our family tree were also abused. But if it was not called out and everyone supported it, you never read into it as abuse and neither did they.

People think that abuse is an obvious thing. A thing you either know is clearly happening to you or clearly is not. But many people completely disregard emotional abuse as being abusive.

My birth mother and step-parent looked me in the eyes, under oath in court, and said they did not abuse me. Their fancy and generously paid lawyer stated "no photographs or legally documented proof of bruises or physical damage was submitted" so no abuse could be claimed.

I never photographed the times I was scared and hiding in my room. I forgot to photograph the tears, the screams, the times I was in shock and could not talk. I did not photograph the bullying, the mean words, and the constant ridicule.

I was raised into abuse from birth and I got out of the house at 16, but the after-effects of the abuse have stayed with me until now (at age 31).

Though my parents were not prosecuted for abandoning or abusing me when I took them to court at 17 and no reparations were paid - I still suffer now severely from the unphotographed damages.

I am reparenting myself while parenting my own little kids. I am in the moment rewriting history as I deepen my self-awareness and correct my mistakes. Their mistakes. My grandparents' mistakes.

WE PARENT INCORRECTLY WHEN WE FEEL TRIGGERED AND REACT INSTEAD OF PULLING BACK TO SELF-REGULATE.

The proof that we are perpetuating emotional abuse is right in plain sight within the actions we take with our own kids. We react instead of processing and reflecting on the situation at hand.

When our kids are crying, flailing, yelling, shaking, or panicking - we react to how it makes us feel. We subconsciously remember how we had to process those feelings.

Many of us had to go stand in time out, got screamed at and shamed in front of others, or were hit. Many of us were belittled and told we were being "babies" or "dramatic". Our parents told us that we were not respecting their demands. We were made to do the thing they asked 100 times til we got it right. Every single retry we were told NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Our parents either beat us or neglected us because we were expressing our feelings.

And you want to know why so many adults in 2021 are emotionally stunted. Struggling. Depressed. Anxious.

How well were we taught to handle conflict? Change? Emotional waves? Fear? Insecurities?

Say it with me. We weren't.

YOU ARE NOT AS MESSED UP AS YOU THINK. YOU ARE TRIGGERED BY THE PROCESS OF EMOTIONAL GROWTH.

How many of you were sent to bed when you "overreacted" or made to sit alone because of your attitude?

Inside your brain (as a child and teen), you were feeling one of these feelings:

• Tired in the moment of what was being asked (because your nervous system was spiked with cortisol from feeling scared of your environment or being degraded).
• Starved of human touch (because you were dying to be held and squeezed while upset to regulate your nervous system and instead you were rejected physically by that person or even hit).
• Insecure and inadequate (because you were being shamed for not doing something right the first time or to your ability within your normal developmental stage OR you did not measure up to the bar the person set for you).
• Depleted (because you were not allowed to eat, feel joy, feel comfort, complete something you were doing for happiness or were stripped of a thing that gives you comfort as punishment).
• Terrified and confused (because the person you love was shouting, throwing, being really cruel, or seemingly out of nowhere picking on you. And you could not wrap your head around why they would do that unless you were a monumental disappointment).
• Betrayed by yourself (or angry with yourself because you did yet another thing to bring this situation on yourself. Because it is always your own fault. You cannot do anything right and you cannot make this person happy. Why do you keep letting this happen?)

HOW DO WE REALLY PROCESS THESE EVENTS AS ADULTS AFTER BEING EMOTIONALLY ABUSED IN OUR PRIME YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT?

Great question. You will love this.

What is the psychological toll of emotional abuse? Victims of emotional abuse are often worn down so that they cannot see the harmful dynamics clearly. They come to believe that the relationship challenges are their own fault. They may spend time ruminating and bargaining, considering how they can adapt their behavior or avoid confrontation. Victims may struggle with problems of self-esteem, as well as anxiety and depression. (Psychology Today)

What are the consequences of having emotionally abusive parents? Childhood verbal abuse can include constant criticism, put-downs, and rejection. Parents may stop the child from expressing anger or sadness, thereby stifling their range of emotions. The brain also inflates the prominence of negative experiences compared to positive experiences, which renders parental abuse deeply ingrained. (It also makes it nearly impossible for an affectionate parent to counter the effects of an abusive parent.) Childhood abuse can lead to emotional pain, anxiety, depression, self-criticism, low self-esteem, and difficulty forming stable and trusting relationships. (Psychology Today)

As adults, we are stunted greatly because of emotional abuse. When we are faced with a dilemma or someone elses' feelings being presented to us - we panic.

But I think (widely due to technology and social media) our generation is catching on and behaving differently than our parents did. I think because more people are sharing their stories and how they were abused, our generation has a lot more self-awareness and remorse. We parent more consciously now and are choosing to reparent ourselves in the process.

IF YOU FIND YOURSELF REACTING INSTEAD OF REGULATING, YOU CAN CHANGE COURSE.

I want to OWN these moments when they come up. When my kid feels so overwhelmed and expressive, I want to take the time to understand what he or she is feeling. All three of my kids deserve that. But so do I.

I deserve NOW what I did not get as a kid. I deserve moments to process and deal with how I feel. Even more potent, I deserve the moments to just FEEL what I feel.

The same adults who shout that a kid is being emotional, are doing so with ANGER. Anger is an emotion. Do you know how many emotions there are? Emotions are on a spectrum and the way we express them as humans entirely depends on how we are taught. It might be human to have these feelings, but it has been taught to us how we should act or mask our emotions.

This is the root of the problem.

There are no bad emotions. Feelings we have show what is going on within ourselves. When my kid is reacting, there is something happening inside that needs to be understood. Like an alarm going off.

Whether I react by screaming or I use a kind voice, I could be emotionally abusing my kid by dismissing their feelings entirely. It is by definition, gaslighting.

Gaslighting: manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity. (Oxford Language).

We do this to our kids and ourselves like this:

"You're just tired..."

"You're just overreacting."

"You're just being a pest."

"You're just being dramatic."

"You're just being a baby."

"Nothing is wrong."

"You are just wrong."

"There is no XYZ."

"You're just making it up."

"You just want attention."

"You're doing this to make me feel XYZ."

What is really happening inside of someone's body or mind is what is causing their reaction. BUT ALSO, what is happening to them because of emotional abuse is real.

The reactive state your kid is in has everything to do with their inability to self regulate. And you taught them that. You perpetuate this issue every time you punish them or take things away instead of addressing their needs.

WORSE, You might yell "what do you need" or "god I give you everything and you do this" or "you do not get to have this right now". But your kid does exactly what you say they will. They get worse. They cry harder. They retaliate, or so you think. Because you see this all as a form of defiance. A lack of respect. A lack of care.

YOUR KID IS PANICKING BUT IT IS COMING FROM THEIR BODY AND NERVES, NOT THEIR EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE OR CAPACITY FOR RESPECT.

Our nervous system plays a huge role in how we behave, as humans. Regardless of age, tradition, or values - no one is exempt from this fact.

The nervous system controls everything you do, including breathing, walking, thinking, and feeling. This system is made up of your brain, spinal cord, and all the nerves of your body. The brain is the control center and the spinal cord is the major highway to and from the brain. ( kidshealth.org)

When the nervous system becomes dysregulated, this is what happens:

What Is the Body’s Chemical Response to Toxic Stress and How Does It Affect My Child’s Short and Long-Term Health?

Toxic stress has the potential to change your child’s brain chemistry, brain anatomy and even gene expression. Toxic stress weakens the architecture of the developing brain, which can lead to lifelong problems in learning, behavior, and physical and mental health. When a child experiences toxic stress, the Hypothalamic Pituitary and Adrenal (HPA) hormone axis is over-activated. This results in blood levels of the stress hormone cortisol being higher which can result in long term changes in inflammation and immunity. Studies have shown associations between toxic stress and changes in brain structure. The consequences of this can include more anxiety as well as impaired memory and mood control. Toxic stress responses can also include changes in gene expression, meaning which genes in your DNA are turned on or off.

How does a child behave when their nervous system is overworked, stressed, or shutting down?

Physical symptoms can include:

• Decreased appetite, other changes in eating habits
• Headache
• New or recurrent bedwetting
• Nightmares
• Sleep disturbances
• Upset stomach or vague stomach pain
• Other physical symptoms with no physical illness

Which sounds a whole lot like a tantrum, a reactive kid when they are told to stop, OR a kid who has been overstimulated by things that are new, challenging, or scary.

Emotional or behavioral symptoms may include:

• Anxiety, worry
• Not able to relax
• New or recurring fears (fear of the dark, fear of being alone, fear of strangers)
• Clinging, unwilling to let you out of sight
• Anger, crying, whining
• Not able to control emotions
• Aggressive or stubborn behavior
• Going back to behaviors present at a younger age
• Doesn't want to participate in family or school activities

HOW DO YOU CORRECT THE PAST AND PAVE WAY FOR A BETTER FUTURE? HOW DO WE STOP PERPETUATING EMOTIONAL ABUSE?!

You need to admit you are wrong. You need to be okay with the fact that you cannot go back and change your own childhood. Your relatives either willingly or unwillingly fudged up. Generational trauma has caused you all to be raised on the wrong set of rules and rituals.

So create new ones.

It is not easy. But there is no such thing as "eventually I will get there" because you won't. All you will do is raise or neglect a child who will become another unprepared adult.

Not just unprepared for parenthood and marriage, but unprepared for the tasks life will ask of them.

An emotionally damaged child becomes an emotionally challenged adult. This does not just hinder their ability to thrive in the world but in their health and survival rate.

So you have to do the hard thing.

You have to change.

START WITH THE NERVOUS SYSTEM AND THEN LEARN HOW TO EXPRESS YOURSELF. Part 2 coming soon.

Hello! I blog about trauma to spread awareness, education, and validation. I want to be a part of the change in the world as I heal from my own childhood trauma and write about it. Please consider sending me tips to support my work. I write and create content from home as a mom of 3, wife, and survivor of childhood abuse. Every day I am working on myself so I can better the lives of others with this work. Thank you for reading and subscribing.