Finding Myself in the Writing Process

Who is Matt? What does Matt look like in life?

M- Malleable, Mulish, and Memorable

Let's start with the first one malleable. I am constantly adapting to change and things in my life, my writing etc. I wasn’t always this way and more often than not I resisted change to the point of insanity. I spent so long believing I was resisting the decay while I was rotting inside.

My past year has been a journey of being changed, and being molded into the person I needed to become. I had a sliver of willingness to be changed and that set the pace for what was able to occur within me. The more I write, read and meditate the more I adapt better to life.

Now, mulish. Despite my best efforts I am still a stubborn person. I have to learn daily that things won't always go my way. This mulish behavior makes me have to learn lessons the hard way. I have to be knocked over the head with a 2-by-4 to finally learn. I'm not difficult to teach, but I don’t take lessons to heart. It takes a painful experience for me to learn and that’s not always the best attitude to have.

Memorable, that’s something I've been told over my life. My personality is like a raging fire and others are quickly swept up into my flames. I burned many people over the years when I had no control over my flickering flames. Most remember the good, the fun and the burst of energy. Those were the memories I wanted to leave behind. I lived my life as a firework, bright and shiny then I faded. I burned out over the night sky, and left behind my embers scattering the lives of others.

Now on to A- Avaricious, Accessible, Authentic

I have an avaricious appetite, and it often leads me to bad decisions. Life was all about wanting more, more, more for me. I needed more from someone, something or some place. I was never really satisfied with what I was given, but I learned this. What I was being given wasn’t what I needed, and when my needs are met, I find comfort.

I am accessible to many, and that too is a double-edged sword. I give myself freely to those who seek me out often to the detriment of my own mental health. I have learned that boundaries are necessary in all aspects of my life. I can't do anyone any good if my own health isn't a priority.

I strive for authenticity. The best way I know to help another human is to be authentic in my story, experiences and my struggle. I lived most of my life wearing a mask to fit the role I was playing and used that to hide behind. In my recovery I value transparency and honesty. The byproduct is I became an authentic person striving to be better and help others understand themselves.

T- lots of T’s, Thankful, Tattered, Tactful

I am thankful and grateful.My life itself is a very gift from my higher power. In order to live my life to the fullest I have to find things to be thankful for every single day. Otherwise, I would fall into a mindset bitterness and that of a spoiled child. I've learned to write down what I am grateful and thankful for every single day, and at night remind myself of them.

I found myself tattered and weathered. Nearly a decade of abusing alcohol caught up with me in my life. The injuries become cumulative and not taking care of my health led to problems. I've learned to put my health and sobriety first in recovery. Self-care days have become more important than social obligations. I make sure to eat healthy, rest, stay active in workouts and spiritually healthy as well.

In my relationships I took on a tactful approach. I was careful of what I said when I put on my many masks. I wanted people to like me and made sure not to say the wrong thing. God, forbid they see me as a human who makes mistakes or says what's really on his mind. I've learned that there are times to be tactful with delicate matters and times I need to be blunt with someone. Regardless of how people respond to both because some lessons need to be learned the hard way. Others need empathy, compassion and understanding to break through the walls of another human being.

More T’s- Thorny, Tolerant, Twisted

If you poke me, I tend to poke back, I am thorny. Especially in the days when my ego ran the show, I was full of angry thorns. I wasn’t watered and my thorns craved violence. I made it harder and harder for people to reach the flower within, my rose. All they knew was to avoid me and my thorns. I carried them like a badge of pride and pricked those I cared about. I learned that I had to water myself, and not be watered by others blood. I had to heal, and stop pricking people out of my own pain.

I was raised to be tolerant of all people. It's one of the reasons I became an anthropologist and archaeologist. My grandfather was born an American, but raised as an Irish-American. He learned to be tolerant of all and he loved to tell the story of his best friend being a gay, black man when these things were looked down upon in society. I learned tolerance from him and I learned to be excited by other cultures outside my own. I have a thirst for knowledge to know more about others who I don’t understand.

My thinking became twisted. In my addiction, my thinking was distorted and twisted. It fundamentally changed my brain and how I viewed myself. I saw the world through a lens of fear and pain, and I became twisted in my own thorns. I made myself bleed to be pitied while I just wanted to feel better. I learned to stop twisting in my own thorns, my own negative thoughts and to find peace in my mind.

I've been asking myself lately who is Matt, how do I view myself compared to how the past m e viewed me?

These are the words that came to life and it's about as accurate as I can produce. We are all culminations of many things. Each one of these attributes found breath in my life in many different ways. A spectrum of emotions, traits and defects all came together to form the Matt that exists today. I wouldn’t be the person I am today had I not materialized these traits into being in my life. I wanted to write this because I wanted to remind others struggling that it's not all positive all the time. There's no such thing and toxic positivity can make matters worse.

There's a balance between the negative and the positive. There is always a positive in the negative and a negative in the positive. Depending on the state of my mind, anyone of these traits can manifest to the extreme of one another. In the middle of both is where I lie. Growing from what I can and learning from the rest.