Help, Hope, & Heal…

I want it to share with you and everyone in the community about my experiences with a transformative moment from my both mental and emotional journey in visualize to make it expressive way. I also wanted to share you something about from lightness to darkness; and then going through the dark to find a light, but finding more brighter. However, my journey has been even more complex than others. Why? Because, I went through from misunderstood and felt like an outsider(it’s like my mind was telling me).

It all began the day I was born. The flower bloomed. The lightness went through me. Even when my eyes are still closed, I barely I can see —- a mysterious bright light coming through me from the womb. It was like I felt that the world were so happy to see me. I felt welcomed. I am like a new sprout.

During that, even months later, I see so many interesting things especially I looked at myself on the TV screen while my dad has a camera with a VHS tape and making the home movies. I was thrilled!

It’s like the world was filled with magic.

Until.. something changed….

The darkness came in to me without a warning. I was almost two years old and became nothing but inhuman of the family. This was my first major trauma since then. What’s worse that I had been grew up as a ‘special Ed’ and been divided or even separated by the entire school staff away from my siblings and my friends because I’m nothing but ‘an animal’—- not smart enough, not normal enough, and even not mature enough. It’s been like a lifetime prison to me and it really haunted my childhood. It’s like a missing puzzle the whole time.. It also happened again when I went to PSR(Pyschosocial Rehab) in around 2016 until 2017. It’s like going back in the past when people don’t give a damn. Why? Why me exactly?

I do not get it.

I don’t know why? Nobody does…

After that, the darkness has just growing. The society has already failed me and has been treated me differently. I can see myself that I‘m not part of the family anymore. I was cursed. I get send away to the ’treatments’ while rest of my family are having a good time. And that is what also my first trauma looks like ever since.

Few years later, I reached puberty. And then, another trauma has arrived and it gotten to me even more——I got held back in third back and losing my close friends. I felt abandoned. Things have become more darker—I‘ve been bullied(much worse than before), became more uglier like a monster, unstable relationships, troubled in school, divorce, and been isolated alone.

The darkness has always been around with me everyday! I realized that it was too late. The darkness has already inside me.

What’s even more worse, I began to have thoughts of ’death’ every single day and kept it a secret. If I say it outloud, they will afraid of me. After years that I have anxiety and depression since high school, I do not know if things will be like ’stay quiet’, ‘people will afraid of you that you have mental illness‘, and ’be a good girl’. Being a perfect is like hell for me.

Decades went by—- I felt it in my gut that it was true—I have to accept the reality check-people will NEVER and DID NOT believe my mental health, even the ones who were struggling with similar issues—-I’m just nobody…

I am nothing but an alien. It turned out maybe I was actually born in the wrong time, wrong appearance, wrong planet, and wrong lifestyle.

Of course I was trying my best to seek help. I have been taking many tools, supportive people, coping skills, and therapy for over a decade.

After the grief I have it recently, I’m trying to hang in there. I am almost there… Until… the rejection hits— my heart felt stabbed inside painfully…

And THAT—- is what rejection sensitive dysphoria looks like and what feels like. To be honest, RSD is nothing but a prison in the mental way.

After I snapped and my heart felt stabbed—- I give up… and then…it got darker… I lost control!

I made a wrong decision like the biggest regret.. but, I did called for help—I cried and cried! But, I felt even more embarrassed, powerless, guilt, shame, and scared….It turned out that I may have lost everything even more.

I feel broken inside that my heart grew weaker, my soul went darker with bleakness, and my mind turned into a shameful monster.

Am I really a human? Do they see me as a human ? Am I really am a monster since they couldn’t handle my pain while I need support? Do they still know me in a good way?

Why…why I can’t just be NORMAL like everyone else for GOD’S SAKE?!?!

I HATE MYSELF!!!!! I hate for being a burden to people I adore. I just hate it…I also have to accept this another reality check—-Nobody sees my pain- they can‘t see it until my mistakes appeared -why?

I have been emotionally burden to everyone in years even after I was diagnosed with PMDD for almost 5 years— nobody didn’t understand or even believe my condition at all. Just like that!

When I make mistake or overstep boundaries from others, especially when I was being vulnerable and how struggling I felt—-

BAM! CRASH!

It’s like the glass broke million pieces from a bullet of darkness. I broke it— that means its over..

I felt ashamed… I mean… I SHOULD feel ashamed like I’m nothing but a failure or a bad person.

I have been so stigmatized, misread, miscommunicated, misunderstood by everyone most of my life.

It’s always been like an endless nightmare that won’t go away— it’s like the end of the world for me ..

Until, the light has approached. It might be small. I’m still searching the light. I may be still in the darkest tunnel. I deserved to get help—I mean more… more…and MORE help that I need it before. However, I’ve had just already learned a lesson. It’s gonna be a longest road. It will take as while for sure. Someday, I will see myself a unique and transformative butterfly.