Music That Saved Me

It was my first day of high school, I was in a boarding school in Salem, Oregon. Anyways, I was with my older siblings while I was out there, my mother didn't want me to be out of their sight but they basically ditched me when they got their schedules and I was on my own. Before that though we had to be in the cafeteria to get our schedules, I was standing with my siblings to be able to find our last name initial. Once we heard W, we went to the staff that had our schedules and once we got them. we head to the hallways and that was when they left. I was standing in the hallway lost because the very first class I had to go to was Full Circle. I didn't know what that meant so I was walking around trying to ask anyone around me but I was shy I felt very quiet. Until I saw a staff and asked them where that class was and that was when they told me that it was in an old music room, I didn't know where that was since I was a Freshman. Before the bell rung, I had to ask another staff and that was when she told me that she was heading to the same class and she told me to follow her.

Once we got to the old music room, I felt nervous about it. I felt like I didn't belong in that class. When class finally started, the staff that were in there were introducing themselves and why we were there in that class. So apparently they said it wasn't really a helping group but it would help with our mental state. I looked around at everyone and I told myself that they were basically calling us fucked up but in a polite way. That's when I knew I really didn't belong in there but I didn't know unless I tried it out. So the first day was just an icebreaker lesson, we had to talk to people about ourselves and where we were from. Being a shy person was tough though. I never wanted to talk to others ever since I had a bad experience in eighth grade. After the icebreaker, that was when the staff told us that we were going to be in groups and that each day we will be rotating to be in a different class session. There were about three to four sessions with each staff. The first session was with the ANT program, we had to be outside and do some trail work, we would have to make new trails or clean them up. The second session was Music/Art therapy. this one was to of course either listen to music, play instruments, or do some art work while listening to music. The last session was Equine, this one was also going outside and being with nature, there was even a weekend program where we would go off campus and doing outside activities.

We didn't start separating until a few days later. It wasn't until September 20th. That was when I was starting a new relationship, once I got to class that was when one of my classmates was asking me about what happened and I told her that I just started a new relationship with my crush. She was super happy for me and that was when the staff told us that we were starting to separate for groups. The first group was the Eagles, then it was the Wolves, lastly it was the Bears. I was in the Wolf group and I was thinking of the Hangover movie where one of the characters named Alan says that he made a pack and that was the wolf pack. Anyways, when we were in our groups, the first thing that my group went to was the ANT program. we went outside and we had to do another icebreaker and we had to tell each other if we loved staying indoors or outdoors. I was going around with my group and it just felt like I wasn't part of their group. Eventually we were somewhat getting along.

The next day was when my whole life was going to change, the next morning was as usual and when I had to head to class my significant other at the time would walk me to class and we would separate. When I got settled in class that was when my group was getting first introduced to music therapy. We followed our staff member and she was also with another staff and this was when I wasn't getting nervous, I felt like I was at ease. We were in a different room though and that room was the Student Center. The staff's name was Jessica and she was super nice, I felt like she was too nice but eventually I got used to her and I wish I said thank you to her before I left. Anyways, before that though, we all got settled and the first few days that we started music therapy was mainly playing with instruments and hand drums. I really loved playing with the hand drums because they really connected with me when I would be very angry. I remember we would meet in music therapy either on Mondays or Wednesdays. When we did meet up, I was always happy to be there because I knew that music was going to help me.

We even had another therapist with us in our groups and her name was Jessi-Rose. Everyone called her the Brave girl because she looked like Merida from Brave. She was also very nice and I got connected with her right away and she had the most beautiful singing voice. I wanted to sing like her but I didn't practice my vocals for some time. While being in music therapy for a couple weeks that was when things started to change. We got used to each other and talking about music, but once the trimester was over, I didn't think they would change the schedules. This is when things were changing because this was when on my new schedule for my new trimester, It didn't Full Circle, it only said Music Therapy. I was super happy with it but I needed some explanation. We all went to the old music room to meet up then that's when all the staff said that they were still continuing the program but we will all be in one class. So when we were on our way to the Student Center, Jessica told us that we were going to use a different room. Now this room was nearby my other class and that was the screen printing room but there was another empty room and we were in there. We even had a few new faces so we all had to introduce ourselves again.

This was when Jessi-Rose was telling us that she was starting an after school club, and she was teaching guitar lessons, so I signed up because I really wanted to learn for quite some time. My significant other would follow me to make sure that I was going to be okay then I told him that I was going to be okay. So I went for my first lesson and there were hardly anyone but it didn't matter, I was starting with the basics and even Jessi-Rose told me that I was becoming a fast learner, I was starting to practice more and more that she even gave us a guitar to practice on our own time. She told us to bring them back when we would have classes. When I did bring it to class, it was even more fun to learn while being in therapy as well. I was always enjoying that class because it made me feel like I belonged there and being away from a lot of stress. We had a few lessons until Jessi-Rose told us that she was leaving. I felt like I was going to cry because she was helping me a lot with my guitar lessons but it was fine, I was glad that she got me motivated to get my own guitar so that way I could practice more.

While on our way home for Christmas Break, I was able to get my own electric guitar. We got my guitar at the flea market and it only had one broken string so I told my parents to take me to Guitar Center and help me get that one string fixed because I didn't know how to fix strings at the time. So they were able to take me and I had to get a few things for my guitar and I even got my case at the flea market, I had to make sure that my guitar was going to fit in there. When my string was fixed I took my guitar with me so I was going to practice more. When I went back to school, I showed my music therapist that I got my own guitar to practice and she let me practice. Jessi-Rose wasn't there anymore but my the main therapist was there and her name was Jessica and she was super polite but she was also helping us out a lot. Especially to me even though at first I didn't want her to. I was slowly opening up to her after a good few weeks while in music therapy.

I remember that we would play games a few times and we would do activities while talking about music as well. When we would be tired from the other classes. Jessica would suggest that we could take naps. She would play on her guitar and sing to us and I felt like I was a little kid all over again, having someone sing you to sleep. I was super relaxed afterwards and felt like my stress was all gone. When I would get up I would go back to my other classes and finish all of my work. While being in the dorms, I would never stop listening to music. I had my tablet with me and just listen to my music while walking around campus or being with my significant other. Music was always around me that I would just want to escape reality and this was when I was slowly falling into depression. I would cry sometimes thinking of home, my friend, and my sister. My heart would feel like it was being ripped out of my chest. While going outside and listen to music, it helped me calm down and being able to come back to reality.

Music was also a way for me to get out of my comfort zone. Whenever I was trying new things, I would wear my headphones and was able to do things more easier than having a hard time at it. Music even helped me concentrate even more especially when I had homework. Even when I would watch movies, if they had a good song on there, I would look it up and was able to listen to it and repeating them and adding more music to my phone, tablet, anything that held my music I would add it on there. High school may have been tough on me but while being in music therapy it made me feel relieved instead of carrying to much stress that I couldn't handle. I was glad to have the people that were in there with me also help out. Some of them may seem like they were being a-holes or d-bags but when we would get to know them more, the more we would all feel connected. Even out of class we would still say hi to each other.

I still remember there were even days where Jessica would let us play instruments on our own, I would either play the guitar or on the drums because I still wanted to learn the guitar and the drums as well. It was mainly the drums I would play because when I was pissed off I would play so loud they had a separate room for the drums. I didn't know what I was doing but to me the drums made me feel like I could play however I want and no one could judge me. So I was self teaching myself how to play. Then there were times where I couldn't play due to my sadness taking over, and it would all be caused by the significant other that was with me at the time, we would have arguments before my music therapy and he would call me names but I didn't let it get to me but some days I did and I would just sit in class quietly and have no one bother me, I would have my headphones on and silently cry. Jessica would sometimes help me though, she would let me speak with her privately and I would tell her all of the things that go on with my life. She wouldn't give me advice but at least she was there to listen and yes she did have to tell my other therapist about it and she would set up appointments for me to talk to my other therapist who also helped me.

Another thing that music therapy helped during high school was to practice my singing especially if I signed up for talent shows. I would talk to Jessica about it and she would tell me to do my best and she told me if I ever needed a room to practice to just let her know. I would do it everyday in case I needed it. Jessica was a life saver for me because she was like a friend to me. I would either be outside when we used to have an outdoor place but when we moved, I would be in a different room to practice my vocals and some of my classmates would also be helpful and give me advice for my vocals and they wouldn't judge me. I felt like I belonged there all the time. After the talent shows they would tell me how I did a great job at it and that I sounded amazing. I would tell them thank you and smile at them. We all didn't hate each other which I was afraid of at the very start of it.

Music therapy helped me out a lot, I didn't want to leave that class at all. It was only then that I had to leave because when I became a Senior, I had to switch out of classes, I didn't want to but it was for my only good to help me graduate. So on my last day we were all having a small party for me and when they gave me a farewell card, I had tears in my eyes but in the card, it helped me move on and to keep music in my life. So when I left, I had my other classes and I did have music still in my life, I would wear my headphones and jam out to music to help me stay calm and made me feel a lot better. It still helps me in life but while I was in high school, I had my friends also help me out as well, because in Junior year I had it way worse.

In Junior year, I thought it was gonna go smoothly, but in the first month back in school, my significant other fell for another girl and he ended things with me. I think he did but I didn't know how to handle the break up, so I stayed in my room for a few days but my friends told me to stop it and to move on and they made me feel a lot better. When we got to our Senior year they were still by my side and we had an amazing year together. They were amazing and were always listening to me about my problems, it was kind of getting annoying but they would just tell me that I just needed some air and that I just needed to have fun with them. We would jam out to music as well together and we would just be silly around each other. We would play different songs around each other, we would listen to the classics like around the 50's-60's era, classic rock, pop, or alternative mainly. I remember when my roommates would play some of their music in our room to get the cleaning process faster in our room and we would just hang out.

When we graduated it even sucked because after being at a boarding school with people that are the same race as you, It can be a hassle but if you meet the people you can call your friends it can hurt you. When we all separated we told each other that it wasn't goodbye but that we will plan to see each other soon. I am waiting for that day though because I do miss my friends and I want to see what new music they have found so that way I can give it a shot to listen to. Now that I am living life, it can suck here and there but as long as I have music that can help me calm me down, I can jam out to it all the time and be happy with it. I mean that's how I met my so called fiancé now, his name is Eli and we met in college and we got into each other by our music as well. Same with new people I met from Eli as well. His friends remind me of mine and I am glad to have known so many people. Other than that I still listen to my music and I am still practicing guitar and drums as well. A lot of things can suck from time to time but when music is in your life, you can always find a way to love it and it can help you either by practicing your vocals, an instrument, or your dance moves. Who knows but other than that I love music and I will keep loving it and letting it help me in life as well.