18 FEELS LONELY

I feel dejected. I just took down all my pictures just because a guy told me I don’t look that good, because he saw nothing but flaws in whole of me. But am I any different from that guy? Didn’t I give him the confidence or right to see flaws in me? Yes .Truth be told I try everyday to hate myself a little less, I try my best to be nice to people around me that is my family. I not only feel dejected, but scared , insecure, I know am pushing myself way too hard just to fit in this modern advance society. And ofcourse that’s what is expected of an 18 year old teen . My anger issues knows no remedy. I just don’t know how to stop myself from slapping myself, punching myself, throwing things. Family can never help. They only push me down. I mean they support me in everything but how to express them I don’t fit in amongst my so called friends, that I get rejected for being myself, cause ofcourse for them their daughter is the best, she’s the prettiest. But you know am not.

Fact is I lack basic skills, I am nothing but flawed . I thought of making a career in writing , turns out it doesn’t suit my family. I am tired , tired of making everyone happy, tired because I know I put efforts and always end up as an outcast, ignorant, or just dumb for being nice in the first place. I feel choked as I step outside in fresh air to breathe. But too many people eyeing me, how can I breathe among such crowd? I hate people. They are walking and judging all the time.

All I never get is that is it that scary for my generation to live a simple lifestyle? I mean its not like that I don’t try to change myself, to fit in, I do, even I do so much it has left me in a total mess .

I haven’t introduced myself yet, right? Hello everyone, Myself Violet May, a name I have chosen for myself. I am a loner . I don’t like to hangout with people much. Its not like I don’t crave, but I always end up being ignored, and I guess reason for it is I am all open to them. But now I have accepted this fact . I feel like crying so bad but I managed to held them back, cause they say people who cry are weak, and I can go with any identity but not as weak soul.

My chest burns as I type this but the sole thought that you are alone, and might end up alone, is scary. People do talk to me a lot, as per their convenience, as per their need, and after that am just trash.

I were a fucking anchor you see , and now I don’t even have the confidence to meet people from my acquaintance. Just tell me peeps this stage will pass. This platform is all am holding onto now. I have survived alone till now, I will survive this storm too. But I want to be happy, for real. I just want to escape from here. I am tired. I feel lifeless everyday more and more will this ever end? If this is what growing up means i don't want to be an adult don’t want to be played over again and again. I also want to feel loved for once, but my insecurities wont let me . I feel like why am I even typing this, I mean no one’s gonna care, but I do care, and may be that’s a sign I still love myself.