Life is so still

Nothing seems to moving. Nothing is new. The same routine, same emotions some everything. I just can't be bothered. All the things I want seem so far away or just possible for that second they pop into my mind then bye. Uncertain and certain at the same time.

Im falling apart slowly, slowly. Im losing my joy. How do people "find their calling?" what is the secret behind it. I want to know. Im a girl in her twenties rummaging through every door, window, cupboard and shelf, nothing. I can't seem to find a way to myself. I have plenty of dreams of the person I want to be. I imagine myself as this confident, secure woman with her life in her hands. She gets to pick everything. Walks,talks, looks with ease. She is so calm and collected it's like she is gliding through life. Ease. This woman also has a amazing job where she is remotely working, got her own business and of course she is her own boss. I love her life. Im jealous of her life.

How are we supposed to figure it out? The girls that cant catch a break. Not great family dynamic, alright friends and just a meh life in general. I know you know you are way more capable than what you are doing right now. Where is our chance? I honestly don't get it. Im literally in the process of moving back home. I couldn't find a job and yes I lied to my friends. I told everyone I got a job the truth is I didn't want to do what I studied for. Absolutely love that for me. i have one of those cliche stories where my parents made me study something I knew I didn't like mid-way through and begged, cried but no. I had to finish because that is what would secure my future. Well you guessed it finished with flying colours and nothing. No job, no career. Nothing.

Im just living like a leaf. Honestly maybe I am a leaf, I just blow which ever direction the wind is but never seem to take off. There is never enough wind the take me off the ground and away. If I may add 2025 was the worst year of my entire life. Finished school at the start, yay for me. Then got severely ill; pre-diabetic, broke my knee couldn't walk for four months, got played by this guy that basically lied to me the entire time and treated me like I was nothing, just to top it all off Im moving back home to my parents house which is a war zone.

Safe to say it is definitely not going my way. What is even my way? I started writing this year in 2026 doing something i actually enjoy. To be very honest I don't even know why I am publishing my stories. I have slowly realised the things I enjoy being in this state. Broke and alone. I want to share how Im getting through these times because it has to past right? I really am trying to hold onto that little bit of hope that it will all work out because it has to right?

I do not have any of the answers sadly. So im sharing everything. I have nothing to hide and nothing to be ashamed of. I lost my way. It wasn't my way to begin with if Im being completely honest. Maybe it is a good thing that everything had to crash and burn. Because it very well did.

Im scared. I have been for a long time. The thought of that my whole life will be like this. That I will never get to live my twenties again and I have spent the whole year in agonising pain, for what? I want that romance, to fall in-love, meet new people, talk, laugh, live that joyous life most of us crave. I want to be healthy, active. I want to fall in-love with myself. It's just so hard.

I always hear you get what you are but I cant accept that. If you are reading you can't to. We have to do something, change something, anything. We deserved so much more, we deserve that dream person we have in mind. I know I do. I know you do. Im not going to be afraid of saying that anymore and feel like I'm being egoistic or whatever someone wants to call me. We deserve to live.

Nothing is new. I don't want to have to start from scratch but I guess I was living a lie and my soul couldn't do it anymore. I feel more trapped than I did before in a weird way. Is this what choosing yourself brings? I will answer all these questions one day but until then we have only each other.