Family
It's All In The Cake
I took a deep breath and looked at the clock. It was almost 6 a.m. To most, this would be the start of a new day. To me, it was an ending of the last. I was standing at the kitchen sink, loading in the last of the dishes my daughter had finally brought out from her room. It would have been nice to have them several hours ago, but that was okay. I wasn’t mad. In fact, it even made me smile a bit. I was just happy to see she got them there and that she was comfortable doing it on her own accord. There was a time when even this seemingly simple task was much more than just taking dishes from room to sink. I am proud of her. She has come so far. But my heart still hurts.
By Elisabeth Healy5 years ago in Confessions
Home for the Holidays
The last time I saw my dad was July 2007 . He was walking away . Came from California for a visit . We didn't have a close relationship and the reason for his visit was not a good one. I'll give you a hint. We’d just been out to eat dinner together and he called the waitress back and said “ Honey, this liver looks worse than mine, can I have a piece that looks appetizing ?” Yes, he had cirrhosis. And it was so bad he had to have fluid removed and drink down lactulose just to use the restroom. Slow death is never pleasant for the person slowly dying or the person slowly watching. Though he was sick and yellow, he still dressed as if he were a Miami Vice extra. He somehow made it to the 80s and stayed there.
By Layla Nelson5 years ago in Confessions
Runaway Bull
My uncle Ray sent me out to feed his feisty bull Hoss. I arrived at Hoss's pasture and he was missing again. It took us three hours to find hind him, he was six miles up the road visiting the Johnsons. The Johnsons had grown rather fond of Hoss and it seemed the feeling was mutual. Uncle Ray decided that it was time to kill the old bull. The next morning we all got up and attached the trailer to the truck, then lowered the ramp for Hoss to walk into the trailer. My Uncle had everyone pulling Hoss into the trailer except his nephew who was larger than all of us and he was pushing from behind. I thought I had the easy job which was to pull by the horn, I didn't I was pulling Hoss and he gave his big head a shake, and I was flung about two hundred yards from the trailer , landing on my arm and shoulder causing me to start crying.
By Lawrence Edward Hinchee5 years ago in Confessions
A gentle melancholy
Raindrops gingerly caress the old wooden walls, a cold kiss against the decaying monument. I sit inside motionless, listening to the barn creak and whine as the weather gently seeps into the cracks and warps it for what seems like the millionth time. With any luck, there’d be a million more.
By William Amir5 years ago in Confessions
The Sea and The Moon
--- Life is not kind. We are born into it innocent and naïve. If we are lucky, we can stay that way for longer than most. Sometimes, I think about how few lucky ones are out there. I know I'm not. Today, I stand on a cold, bitter winter beach in the north of Scotland. It is February, and my world is broken.
By J.B. Miller5 years ago in Confessions
Trying a hand
My world came crashing down when I heard what the doctor said to my husband Jan.The exact words were”Jan, you will drop dead any moment from now as your heart can stop beating any moment,hence you need a device fitted to shock your heart when it stops”.We we’re both stunned and could barely speak.
By Kiran Joseph5 years ago in Confessions
How to quiet the constant fear?
I’m afraid , I’m worried that at this point in my life I won’t be able to change from what damaged me . It just seems the more I fight to be different the harder everything is , I love challenges I love to be challenged but to my absolute breaking point ? Is that really necessary? I’m afraid that it’s too late to make friends and that I pass that feeling of regret , shame and hurt down to my children . Why do I always feel like killing myself ? Why do I always feel less than worthy of what I know I deserve ? Why is it so hard to find someone that can love me in-spite of my mental health taking a toll on my appearance and just everything . I love my mom and grandparents . But my mom doesn’t make me feel wanted unless she was a good laugh then I’m her gyal. I never felt truly beautiful or like a princess no matter how many times I heard it because they were always just words . The actions were so different and I resent my mother for not getting help for herself to be stronger and not put her kids through all of what we went through . Then on top of that make it so hush hush that we had to hurt in silence . In our own ways , never speaking about it until the seeds were planted and grew. By then it was instilled in us to suppress beyond what physically felt comfortable. Always pushing people away and never being able to hold onto friendships let alone relationships that might’ve done us good . No we clung to emotionally abusers because it was what we were taught . My grandparents I love them with all my heart but they just don’t understand no matter how much I talk to them . It’s that Generational wall, they’re from a time we’re you could speak about how you feel but honestly just get your shit together . Or money can fix what you feel if you work hard at a dead end jobs you can overwork yourself at the good ones and make something of yourself . Which leads me down another serious of dark holes . Perfection anxiety if I can’t do anything perfect or like I’ve seen I’m pissed and don’t even want to do it . Like today at training he made me run for the first time since I last saw him and I hated it it made me feel like shit it made me feel sloppy it made me feel ugly I was out of breathe by the fourth sprint down and back . I felt that I wasn’t good enough to be in the fire department or to even try out again I could just never get in the shape I needed to be but then also always having my kids with me is a distraction and stressful . Although I moved and I feel better and don’t feel completely smothered with loneliness like I felt when I was with my family , it just keeps reminding me that I don’t have the support I want and o probably never will from anywhere . There dad doesn’t help and he can’t because he continues to live with his mother who is a controlling witch and I will never allow my kids over there again . My mom can’t have them stay because my youngest sister is my daughters molester and I won’t give her another try at my children . My grandparents are older and are worried about contracting Covid because my gmas immune system is weak . My uncle and I are not close because of his wife but I don’t deny my girls access but they don’t communicate either . For once I just want people that want me , that want to check on me not me always having to make the move to them . I want more love and I want caring and I want better for my daughters but so far I feel as though I’m failing . They have no friends and I can’t afford they’re daycare anymore , and I can’t put them in anything anymore because I have Continuous bills . I want to start businesses but without support I just seem to have anxiety attacks and freeze and feel horrible . When will it end , I want it to end . I never get the option to breakdown because If I do my kids see , I never get the option to call for back up because it’s honestly only one sister that comes to my aid and I hate not paying her and over using her all the time .
By Maya Sparrow5 years ago in Confessions
Monsters
On most nights, it was a monster of some kind threatening us from the TV in my grandparents’ bedroom. This time, however, a woman’s head protruded from a 4 x 4 metal box that sported a variety of colorful switches and buttons. She was clearly displeased with her mad-scientist husband, who had acquired a beautiful new body for her and was preparing to remove the body’s current head and replace it—carefully, of course—with her own.
By Patty Doak Tydings5 years ago in Confessions
