Secrets
Journal entry 7
December 1st Lately I have been feeling a little uneasy... Still kind of unsure where I should be in life and if I am on the right track... I want to try new things but money is running my life right now. I need to make money to pay rent and I need to make money to eat food.
By for my mental health4 years ago in Confessions
A Love Lost
He was my first love. I can never love another man the same way I have loved him. I know love differs from the last, but my heart will never love the same way. I don't get the butterflies, the beating of my heart racing, or the stuttering you get when you're nervous as he talks to you. All those feelings went away when he did. I can never get those back. Every Spring I smell the flowers and a memory of him comes to mind. I can smell the scent of his cologne he would wear every day and I think back to the first time he hugged me. He had on a black jacket with a red stripe going down the sleeves. Every Summer as the sun shines and the heat waves become unbearable, I remember the time he helped me carry my books to the library. I remember all the times we would walk to class together. I remember the fun we had after school going to the park just to sit and talk. I remember talking about what we wanted for future families as we watched a father play catch with his son. How he wanted to spoil his kids with love because he never had that. He wanted to teach them from right and wrong. He hoped for it, and I wonder if he still prays for it. I remember the moment we had a staring contest, and I was going to lean in to kiss him, but I blinked, and he had won. I remember the time he drew something in the sand, and I pretended to mess it up. He chased me around the playground like we were little kids again. Laughing and smiling as he caught up to me and embraced me in his arms. He picked me up and then put me down as we continued laughing. His laugh and smile were my everything and they still are. Every Fall as the wind blows and I would feel a gentle breeze sweep across my cheek, I close my eyes and I can see his face. I can feel his presence with me. I remember the first we met, and he asked me to sit next to him because I was all alone in the back of the class. I remember the time he wrapped his coat around me as we wait for our ride to show up. I remember the time we were at the mall and went to see a movie. Our friends had left, and it was just us. We were both falling asleep, and he let me rest my head on his shoulder. And when someone would make me cry, he was there. Even though he said little, and he listened to me vent, him just being there was enough for me. And every Winter, the smell of the rain brings back the memory I cherish the most. It was pouring rain as we all waited for our ride. He took off his coat and told me to put it on. He stripped off all of his clothes, only wearing his boxers and shoes. I held on to his pants and shirt. He made us all laugh as he ran around in the rain. And I remember thinking, this is the guy my heart wants. He came back and put his clothes on as our ride showed up. We all get into the car and on the drive, I glance at him. His hair is dripping wet as he looks down at his backpack, smiling. Then he looks out the window and his smile fades. And in that moment, I knew... I knew I had fallen in love with him. But now every season is just a memory and Summer had become my least favorite memory. He had to leave, and there was no way for him to stay. I remember the moment he told us when we were at the park. He was leaving and not coming back. He had trouble with his family, and it was the best thing to do. I remember going home and crying in my room. I remember the last day we saw each other. He walked me to class like he always did, and we talked. I told him I would miss him, and we hugged. It was the longest hug we ever had, and I held back my tears as he pulled away. We smiled at one another, and he walks away. I watch him until I couldn't see him anymore and I went into class. Every moment I remember, I think of all the times I could have kissed him. All the times I could have told him I loved him. But I didn't until it was too late. We stayed friends and have both moved on, and this is my only regret in life. Although we rarely speak to each other and we moved on, he is still the reason I get up every morning. He's all I think about before I go to sleep and he's all I think about when I wake up. He has my mind, my heart and my soul. And all I know is that I can never love this way again.
By Rae Rachal4 years ago in Confessions
A Year To Rest Myself And That Is My Success
“Sleep, those little slices of death — how I loathe them.” ― Edgar Allan Poe I had a love-hate relationship with sleep. Today at 30 years of age, in yet another year of uncertainty I have embraced the fact that I need sleep - a lot of than I think I need.
By Rashmi G4 years ago in Confessions
How to Cast a Love Spell
How to cast a spell to never fall in love; it might actually work. When I was 8 years old, my family rented Practical Magic and I loved it. My great grandparents lived on 15 acres in the countryside and my Nana would often cure mild ailments like fevers and little infections with herbs from her garden and tips her own mother and grandmother gave to her. My grandma would call her a witch and mock the 'witchcraft' Nana would show me.
By Mae McCreery4 years ago in Confessions
This Is How You Hold Yourself Back From Getting What You Deserve
It’s natural to want to do things, to set goals, to chase them and get to experience the process of creation. Deep within us, there is the urge to explore what we’re truly capable of accomplishing, and we express it by “playing” around with the variables we’re given.
By Rabih4 years ago in Confessions
The Fragility of Loneliness
A ruinous place. Unable to be named. The silent persecution inside, persisted in the form of mental torture; the daily routine of mirror goading. A dark place. Sitting in a room at night, feeling eternity. Invisible. Being in a setting, yet unseen. It’s like navigation upon a path without any guidance. When will it end? You are meant to suffer it tells one. Alone.
By Jaida Williams4 years ago in Confessions
The Size of Your lips changed
Please let me go Caleb, you are not here, and I don't want you to be. Not white and not black. I want home to come get me, so I can heal in an environment where nothing you showed me exists, the bad feelings don't exist either. I have never felt more alone, and you only kick me around in these dark days, after you broke my brain. I don't know what is real and what is not real anymore, that is why I demand I go where I know it's real. Where I know an XL male shirt, doesn't fit someone with my build.
By I am me Amanda Nissen/Champion4 years ago in Confessions
To Sleep or Not to Sleep
That is the question. We all make choices throughout the day, whether conscious or unconscious, that affect not only how much sleep we get, but the quality of sleep as well. Both of which are vital aspects of sleep. If rest is so important, why do so many of us struggle to prioritize it?
By Val Poulos 4 years ago in Confessions
I Sentenced a Man to Life in Prison
It was my last summer home. I had spent the last 7 months in Philadelphia making up credits after switching majors. Only 2 weeks left of life as it used to be. Hanging out with my brothers. Being the baby of the family. After graduation, I’d start my forever career... or some silly shit like that. What they used to sell to college kids. What we used to believe.
By Blake A Swan4 years ago in Confessions
A very tale
Victims, when you pass them by, especially negatives, ugly times are fixed as a tattoo I remember everything, being inferiorized every night, I remember extreme poverty victims us in the sleep of three, I remember being abused as my mother "slept," I remember the insults, the malicious, the assaults
By Keven D’wara4 years ago in Confessions
