Three times a lady

No one ever told me she’d gone. Left this world, never to return. The missed calls, the voicemails containing nothing but my mother’s heartbroken sobs. The words “you know, don’t you?” when I finally answered my phone. And that gut wrenching feeling that life would never be the same let me know exactly what had happened. I can honestly say that my grandmother was my favorite person on Earth. She taught me very early on that there’s so much more to life than what job you have, how much money you make, or how big your house is. That you can have a massive impact just by making people feel good. I loved her company and we spent a lot of time together. But I also enjoyed seeing how others reacted to her. How she never failed to put a smile on someone’s face. Even when she was having cancer treatment, she’d be giggling with the hospital workers and had affectionate nicknames for all of them. Don’t get me wrong, she wasn’t perfect. If my grandmother was upset with you, you’d hear about it for weeks. Months sometimes. But she was so full of love that it just radiated from her, even when she wasn’t in a loving mood. She prided herself on always having a full pot at the ready so that she could dish out a meal to friends and family who visited her. She wanted nothing more from life than a house full of loved ones and good food, and she got her wish, for the most part anyway. My grandmother wasn’t a rich woman, but shoving money into her grand childrens’ hands when their parents weren’t looking was one of her favorite pastimes. She took in many people throughout her life despite having one of the tiniest houses you’ll ever see. She had several children, but became a mother figure to countless others thanks to her warm heart and utter selflessness. The adoration she showed me made me feel as though I could do anything. When someone loves you that much, it’s almost like there’s a shield wrapped around you, protecting you from the madness that life throws your way. When she died, she didn’t have much to leave behind in terms of material things. But she left an imprint on pretty much every one she’d ever come into contact with. I felt completely lost without her for a long time and drifted through life, wondering what place I could ever have in a world where she no longer existed. Then I came round to the fact that my grandmother never really left me. I think about her constantly, but they are happy thoughts. I’m so grateful to have had her in my life. She gave me so much just by being present and always believing in me. Through watching her, I learned exactly who I wanted to be, as well as the mistakes I didn’t want to make. Like I said, she wasn’t perfect. Seeing her make so many sacrifices for people who weren’t always appreciative taught me that we shouldn’t focus our kindness purely on others. We must also be kind to ourselves. And giving ourselves permission to say ‘no’ every once in a while is one of the greatest acts of self love. Whenever I utter that word, it’s like I’m saying it for both of us. I have the strength to say it now because I’m empowered by her love, which is one of the strongest forces I’ll ever encounter. Maybe no one ever told me my grandmother had gone that day because they understood then what I know now. She’s still here.