Humor

Burger Heist
“Put your fucking masks on!” he hissed. The two men in the front seat of the car did as he said. “Remember, no fucking names, I’m One, you are Two,” he said to the man in the driver’s seat who was slipping his ski mask over his head. “And you are Three, got it?” The man in the passenger seat nodded his reply. One noticed Two’s hands were shaking. He’d worked with Three before and knew he was solid but this was his first job with Two and this was already making him nervous. “Hey! Get it together goddamn it!”
By Peter Hoffman5 years ago in Fiction
Day of the Dog
Day of the Dog I am Eren, the Dachshund Shape Demon God Of The Apocalypse. I’m comfortable navigating around several different time zones and parallel universes. I am not the only demon god from the underworld but I have certain powers that make me unique, I have nuclear poop that may appear anytime or anywhere in random dimensions and I have a heart shaped silver locket on my collar with my name on it. I’m especially proud of the locket. I instructed the fiery hellhounds of Hell to keep the temperature below 900 °C during my visits, that is well below the melting point of silver but it’s hot enough to make my locket glow in a bright orange colour and it would remain nice and warm long after my visit too. I do appreciate such qualities of the precious metal, and I know that other dogs envy me for it.
By Perla Kormos5 years ago in Fiction
Beyond The Universe...
The lone words that phase in and out of my consciousness are the perception bending lyrics of the since disbanded musical masters of the sixties, “Images of fractured light flitter before me like a billion globes…” All this occurred within, the four cornered prison cell of, my being as I observed the motion of the glowing orbs rise and fall as they breathed. The earths, dim lighted infinite expanding, celestial sea whispers the wisdom of the timeworn sages of yore, though the whispering’s meaning are beyond my comprehension; nevertheless, it was made known to me as I voyage across the universe.
By Samuel Fletcher5 years ago in Fiction
To The Stars
Our eyes intertwined as our mouths distance shortened; could this be it? Could this be love? What of her request? A mortal achieving such a feat, it doesn’t sound plausible and yet for her, all obstacles appear frail, and impossibilities are simply hints pointing towards an exotic undiscovered horizon. Her wish in the face of romance is merely a wall for love to climb. For her I’ll make the impossible possible even if her task is… bottling stars within a jar… Oh, no.
By Samuel Fletcher5 years ago in Fiction
The Cost of Wampum
We need a Galactic Internet Connection before Russia,” was neatly printed in green ink on a clean piece of cardboard. Doctor Eli Prod held the sign in one hand. In his other hand was an aluminum foil-lined hat. He watched as a pulse of people started up from the subway during the morning rush.
By Mark Stigers 5 years ago in Fiction
Pawn Shop Dystopia
Disgruntled with his government-provided equipment, the Ready Player Pawn Shop owner glares at a piece of seemingly silver jewellery lying upon the surface of faulty technology. An oil painting hung up behind the counter, a hologram label before it reading that it was originally created in 2013 by an unidentified author (crippling its value), pictures a gorgeous woman who is seemingly middle-aged, though she looks no older than her twenties. Her cat-like eyes gaze upon the strangely shaped object as freakish lime lights dance across its beaten surface. Out of nowhere, a booming sneeze erupts from the store owner, leaving no time to bring his arm to catch it. To the painted woman’s dismay, snot dangles from her styled, auburn hair. His eyes don’t change from their resting position of constant ferocity but the gentle exhalation from his nose explain his current thoughts plentiful. He sighs. First, he checks the left pocket of the vintage cotton jacket, where the label annoyingly poking out from the collar reads ‘MADE IN CHINA - 2032’, before jerking his hand back to the polluted air with no form of tissue in his possession. Some brief contemplation takes place before he takes the cheaply framed portrait from the wall and slots it beneath the counter crafted out of LED screens. A few minutes pass before he moves again to scratch his bristled jaw before being brought back to life by a melodious pinging from the machine beside him.
By Corey Price5 years ago in Fiction
A Day at the Office
It was a wet summer’s day. We were having the monthly meeting. I was being written up for not following the dress code. I didn’t mean to wear yellow socks. Everyone in the boardroom was staring.
By Ruby Lee5 years ago in Fiction
The Dare Games
“Long after The Collapse, perhaps decades or even centuries of a global power vacuum wars, society has started to rebuild. Technology production and development has started up. Government has begun to reform itself. One global government. It’s not as big as you think. 60% of the planet is uninhabitable or just too troublesome to try and survive on with the limited resources and technology that is available. No one really knows for sure what year it is we know it was 2065 when The Collapse tapped its music stand and began to conduct the government through its own slow, ominous funeral march, but was generations ago. My father’s generation was the first one to not be drafted, sold into slavery, or otherwise have their lives uprooted. A sort of ‘beginning of the end.’ Okay I’m exaggerating; the slavery thing was a short time period like 25 years ago and the roving gangs responsible have been dealt with. ONE village disappeared sometime in the middle of it all. It could have just been bombed to ash instantaneously and no one noticed amongst well, everything. At this point you’re probably like ‘Okay okay okay.. Phineas. Dude we got it. Shit sucks.’ Trust me. You don’t know the half of it; I haven’t even gotten to The Dare Games.”
By JD Mabry5 years ago in Fiction
Captain Comet
Nathan was a sharp-eyed child and his keen eyes allowed him to see the greatest of details no matter how big or how small. Capable of counting marching ants on an ant hill or viewing the moonlit craters in the night, Nathan considered this his one superpower.
By Michael A Mendoza5 years ago in Fiction
The Milky Way Express
“Typical,” thought Elsie, taking a seat on the bus, “just typical.” The same day she gets evicted from her flat, she gets fired....Eight years in the same tiny cubicle and what did she have to show for it? A company logo mouse pad, a snoopy pencil head, and a “hang in there” cat poster...
By Chloe Russell5 years ago in Fiction
Mother Bird and The Crow
Once upon a time in a green forest there lived a Mother Bird and a Crow. The mother Bird's house was made of stones and Crow’s house was made of mud.
By Shahana Shariff5 years ago in Fiction
How Did 9 Get Her Face
Your teacher must have told you that there is only one planet where life exists., our Mother Earth. But let me tell you this secret, I know other planets too where life exists!
By Shrutee 5 years ago in Fiction