Faith, Fear and Gratitude

Dear Mom,

Gratitude... I spent a very long time trying to grasp the understanding of gratitude. You hear it at every recovery meeting, and it's part of the 12 steps. The very core of getting sober requires immense gratitude, and it's something you have to find every day, one day at a time. I didn't know what it meant because I spent most days ungrateful for being alive, but as I completed each step of sobriety, I learned what true gratitude was.

The person I am most grateful to is my mom, who allowed me to suffer the responsibilities of my actions but spared me from falling into despair. I got sober, and she stood by my side through it all. Through my stupid teenage angst resurfacing, through my hatred of her, and through my rediscovering of myself. She has one rule for me when I live under her roof now: no drinking and no drugs. I used to hate that, but now I'm grateful for it because it gives me a rigid path at home. Which in turn enables me to find flexibility in my life while sober. I needed that heavy-handed discipline like I had in the army.

I would say above all, I am most grateful to you, mom, for the way you allow me the grace to fall and make mistakes. You knew I was always terrified to fail, and still you cheer me on even when I'm afraid. Afraid that I won't make it in this life, afraid that I'm not strong enough to persevere. Afraid that I might lose you someday every time I hear you tell me the cancer came back. Afraid every time I hold your hand before you go into surgery and you ask me to say a prayer for you. I am reminded how much gratitude I truly have in those moments because I wasn't that man before I got sober. I couldn't bear to see you in pain, and now I show up every time I'm needed despite that fear. Because I'm so grateful for the life you gave me—the life you helped me recreate. I am grateful for the time I am able to spend even when I'm gone traveling, and you love hearing about my stories.

I used to hold a lifetime worth of anger towards you, and you took my hatred every time I came home drunk. Still, you had the strength to love me and help me get sober. I know we cried so many tears together when I finally started being open and vulnerable with you. I'm grateful that I could tell you about my struggles, about the times I tried to kill myself but survived. You never judged me for it, and you just wanted me to find happiness in this life.

I can't express the gratitude I have for you, mom, and the ways you sacrificed living your own life so I could live mine. I never appreciated it as a kid, but I do know. I want to see you live your life now and travel more, as you allowed me the freedom to. I want to thank you for all that you do. It wasn't an easy road for either of us, and there were many times I couldn't face you. You are my best friend, my mom, and the only person I'm afraid of losing.

I hope everyone can experience that type of love and gratitude at least once in their lifetime. Gratitude is the essence of life; it gives us a reason to move forward every day. It helps us heal even when our hearts are heavy and full of bitterness. With gratitude in your heart, you can conquer the day. You taught me to be grateful for every single day I'm alive and breathing, so thank you, mom. I love you more than anything else in this world.