Of Being Human and Enduring

Life is so multifaceted. There's so many of us, such a vast number of people in this world living out the best and worst that this human experience can offer. We feel both envious and sympathetic of strangers and peers alike; envy while usually punching up from the bottom rungs of life's ladder as the steps break underfoot. I feel envious, I feel left behind, and I guess this is the grand pity party of my twenties.

My husband of just over three years is leaving me. We met on Tinder, and I know what you're thinking. 'Tinder? That was never going to last!' Tinder, I know. Not even Bumble, or Hinge. They were the best and worst three years of my life. We endured so many terrible, trying times together, hand in hand through it all. I loved - love - him, with all of my heart and soul. Bear with the cringe, please. I know this is cliché, but this is my dumping ground for now. Perhaps, by the end, I'll feel some relief. Perhaps you, my reader, my unwilling and unready recipient of this trauma dump, may take something away too.

This separation is very recent, within the past week, actually. We've spent nearly every day together since our first date, where we met for the first time in the beer aisle of a Lowe's Food. He suffers a number of ailments. He has a one year old son from a previous marriage. None of it mattered. We confessed our love within a month, at the same time, sitting on a springy futon in his new apartment. We have a child of our own now. She's two, and the most beautiful soul I've ever encountered. Again, we've endured so much: countless visits to the ER, the mountains and valleys of depression and mania between us both, parenting two young children through our own sickness and exhaustion.

Relationships, love, break-ups, and heartbreak are pretty standard parts of life, for most. Does that make them suck any less? Does that take away from how totally consuming and devastating they can be? No, because we are individuals at the end of the day, and we can't help but get wrapped up in the mayhem of our own lives more than anything else. Our own drama outweighs the grand schemes. That's okay, by the way. Don't feel guilty for throwing the occasional pity party, even if you're the only one attending. A reminder for myself, too.

My point is this...

No one, absolutely no one, owes you anything - besides maybe a proper and truthful explanation. The only person you are guaranteed to have for the entirety of your life is yourself. No matter how close you are with family, friends, lovers, and even your children, everyone deserves to choose how they live their life and who they keep in it. Hopefully, those decisions are good ones, though they might not always be understood or even respected. Everyone deserves to choose how their time, money, and energy is spent, who it's spent on, and the best ways to cultivate their own happiness and success. But...

It's not easy. It's not easy, and certainly never immediate, to accept this. Especially if you're not ready to let go, or if you have a great deal of love for that person. Why did they do this to me, to us? How could they? Did they never love me at all? Doubt and regret creep in, like fast acting poisons to stop your heart. They might give every line out of every book, the classic "it's not you, it's me" - and they might actually mean it. Maybe it really is them, their own shortcomings, but no matter how sincere they are when they look into your eyes and tell you this, that whisper in the back of your mind is ready to scream and scream "it's you, your fault, you're unlovable, you held them back, you weren't enough." It really puts a bullet in the cold corpse of your self esteem.

Whatever someone's motivations for leaving you behind, good or bad or ugly, they're entitled to that choice, as are you. It's so easy to exert yourself with wondering, wishing them a miserable life, and feeling generally miserable. I built my home on his shoulders, I put my precious heart in his palms for safe keeping, I so desperately envisioned a long, prosperous life for us, old and gray and keeping each other's pleasant company after the kid's grow and leave us both behind. He is my best friend, and at this point, I can't look back on our time together without my chest throbbing and tears misting my eyes.

Now that I'm in this low place, I look around and feel envious. He's moved on so quickly, he's planning for his future - both near and far - and thinking with a business mind of how to amass wealth and succeed in this capitalist hell-scape. I'm no longer in his thoughts, I'm no longer included in that success. He might settle down with someone else, and they might get an even better version of him than I had. They might enjoy the fruits of his labor, the fruits I thought we'd grow and taste together. For now, I am heart broken. Honestly, typing this part has only made me feel worse, and this feeling will surely persist for awhile. I'm moving back in with my parent's after all, which isn't very glamorous or enviable. I also searched my ex on Facebook, after having no interest in his life at all for so long. He too is doing so well. He's educated, he's succeeding financially, romantically, and physically.

My life isn't terrible, I've done things that others might look at with envy. But right now, it feels like I've accomplished nothing at all, like I've fallen ten steps back from where I should be, and from where everyone else is on the ladder. Even my husband, who left me behind a mere week ago. If you're feeling this too, I offer a gentle reminder; it's okay. It really is, I promise, Living in this moment sucks, but it's only a moment out of the entirety of your life. There will be so many more moments, better moments than this one. Another cliché, but tomorrow is always a different day. Tomorrow, your coffee might taste better. Your Mom might make your favorite meal. That show you're obsessed with might push a new episode. You might try things you haven't tried in years. The sun might shine brighter.

This sucks, I know, but everyone is entitled to choose. You and me, we get to choose. Pretty soon, we will need to choose ourselves. We can't keep putting the responsibility of our happiness on the shoulders of other people, even those we love. Fight for yourself, take initiative. Build your own wealth, build the body of your dreams, see the world, or just do whatever you want. Wear the shoe that fits you. That's what I'm telling myself, anyway.

At the end of the day, and the start of tomorrow, we deserve it.