Reckoning

An interesting thing happened to me the other day, I recalled a memory and a time which I believe I’ve been subconsciously trying to block out of my mind, and the truth of the matter is, I’ve been successful in doing so not because I’ve been unwilling to retell how I lived my life through those times, but because many people have an almost unsworn guarded secrecy to open it up in conversation and talk about what transpired for them during this period, I’m talking about COVID.

Pre COVID I was under no illusion over my safety net, I basically didn’t have one, I could count the people on one hand who would bail me out for the price of a coffee never mind a life or death situation. My day job, which turned into a night job during COVID, me and my colleagues were the safety net for many young people whilst working on the frontline. I didn’t care so much for the risk, I had seen the worst of humanity as part of my day job but it was the reason I was there which was to make a difference for peoples lives, I didn’t need gratitude, respect, validation, likes or reposts.

I think what many people realised during COVID was that they could no longer fall back on their safety nets, whether it was emotionally, physically, financially, the pandemic was like the ultimate test of personal independence and adaptation.

Introverts were just a bit more introvert than usual, Extroverts were probably living in hell on earth. I already lived alone at the time and was quite happy seeking solitude at most times, I never tend to have an issue with my own company and the pandemic didn’t really change anything about it.

People found all kinds of ways to cope with life during the COVID lockdown, some were confined in their own minds to conspiracy and fear, but most pushed bravely onwards with optimism and were ready to do what it takes to get through it, but I mean in a sense the last part is what we do in our everyday lives.

I experienced something, different. I took the first jab vaccine, reluctantly, but I knew that with my job at the time it was the adults who had to be the line of defence and potentially put themselves at greater risk to see any hope for the younger generation, it wasn’t about my own life, it was about protecting others. I was scared like many people, I held off for a short while, going back and forward replaying scenarios in my mind, before deciding to make the appointment and get it done. Family believed I was under some kind of external pressure from my workplace being a frontline worker, but the decision was entirely my own, and I’ve never been one to just follow without question.

After the jab, the first week were fine, but the weeks which followed for roughly about 2 years from that day left me feeling different, it’s very difficult to really describe it, but a recent conversation with an old friend made me recite my experience during the time which I’ve not really found the words to share with anybody since.

I could feel the internal struggle within my body, the fight for dominance with this alien inside, I didn’t feel any pain, however I had this constant lethargy, and for a while, I was feeling like my body wasn’t really there. I mean I was physically there in person, but at times it felt my soul was fighting to stay inside and constantly drifting. People would call this a personal spiritual event like an outer body experience and there were times I didn’t think I was going to break out of it.

About a year in from the jab my immune system started to get worse and I could feel myself physically weaker and prone to illness, I lost weight and muscle and couldn’t seem to hold anything I ate on my body, I spent most of my time with itchy eyes, a blocked nose and my skin was so irritable, I thought I was losing the fight, and at that point it was natural to think maybe this is as far as I was going to go. I explained to my mate, the best way I can describe it was like the Alien movies, I could feel something inside of me almost ready to leap out.

About the second year in, I got very ill, possibly the worst feeling I’ve ever experienced, I knew I could overcome it, but I was bed bound barely able to move for 4 days with my body aching from top to bottom and a huge fever, I sneezed my way through two whole packs of toilets rolls over those few days. But then almost miraculously after those 4 days my body did a complete recovery, the lethargy cleared out and I’ve been back to the days of feeling as I did before it all began. I remember trying to explain to my partner at the time, and I feel that she could see I was changing in ways physically and health wise that both of us couldn’t understand, but I think she did her best to keep me remaining positive. Whilst we are not together anymore, I was fighting just as much at the time to overcome it so that I could be there when she needed me, I loved her very much and I would always put her first. I miss her a lot sometimes thinking back to those days, but we all must move forward.

I never felt regret for taking the jab, many went into it with a defiance to do what was best for the people around them no matter what happens, and unfortunately there were many people who did suffer or tragically pass away as a result of complications, but they did so with the greatest amount of bravery which will be quite honestly remembered in the history of human kind. This is not to say jab takers are better human beings, but when you put things into perspective, a worldwide pandemic is one of the biggest risks humanity has ever faced outside of war and could have been an extinction-like event if the effects were much worse, so I do deeply respect those who completely knew the risks and consciously took the choice.

COVID is now a hushed memory, relegated as far back as possible in people’s minds to forget and move on, rarely spoken outside of closest friends and families.

People have returned to the comfort of modern day lives, almost like it never happened, with so many stories to tell left unspoken for our peace of mind.