humor

"Humor is what binds humans together and makes difficult times just a little less painful; Sometimes you can't help but laugh. "

A blind date tale...
Picture it the year is 2015 . I was newly single and extremely broken hearted. So a friend at work said “Inf I’m gonna set you up on a blind date “. At first I was like “nope “. She said “listen you’re going out “. She then proceeded to take my picture and send it to the guy . Along with my number .He immediately calls me and set up a date for that night . I’m thinking in my head ohhhh shit naw ! This is way to fast . You know what YOLO!! I’m a go. He asked me where I wanted to link up . I told him Friday’s because I had two friends that worked there . I get off work and go home to get cute . I get in my ride throw on my aziatic album and I roll out . So I made it to Friday’s shortly after he text me he was there and told me where his car was . At this point I can’t wait to get to his car to see who I’m going on this date with. So I walk up to his driver side he had on a jay-z fitted , nice smile , and his cologne smelled nice through the window . I was like ok ok friend !!!! She hooked a sistah up ! He then proceeds to get out the car . Boom he drops ! I’m like oh shit down goes Frazier in my head . So I immediately go to help him . He yelled at me “I’M GOOD I DIDN’T FALL DON’T HELP ME . MY LEG IS JUST MESSED UP . After being yelled at I said to him “Shit I thought ya black ass fell I was trying to help you “ ! Yes yes I rolled my eyes. Now I’m thinking in my head he could’ve told me he was disabled I would’ve still gone on the date. I’m not like that ! Seriouly though you can’t just spring a short leg on people!You gotta tell people what’s good . Anyway after I caught a tude he grabbed my hand and said sorry for yelling . He said “Let’s go in and have a fun night beautiful “. I said ok . We go inside my friend was working the bar . She saw him limpin and immediately went in the back . She texted me “Bitch is he crippled “? I said “mind ya business he is”! So then we grab a table . We ordered and got a drink . When his food comes he ate like the beast from beauty and the beast. I just kept handing him napkins cause it was food everywhere ! I thinking to myself this mf is an animal eating like this ! People were just staring ! So after that was done . We talked and talked. Convo was going good . So all of a sudden this fool starts waving and at air like he was shewing something away . I said “ Um are you alright “? This man looked me in my eyes and said “I was telling my homies they could leave now”.“ I had them here in case you were crazy “. Y’all it was five big ass men ! At that point I let him know it was getting late and I have work in the am .I was just done . So he walks me to my car and wanted to give me a hug . I gave him a hug he started rocking me back and forth .He was like “don’t leave me yet let’s chill and look at the stars “. I said ok I didn’t want to be an asshole . So we talked a little while longer . It was getting late at that point so I told him I really should go home . I did have to get up the next day . He said “ok but before you go”... Then he pulled me close to him like the matrix and lick kissed my nose mouth area ! I said “Boy what the hell is going on here unhand meeee “ ! I left just tired with nose full of spit smell . I never ever went on a blind date again !
By Fini6 years ago in Humans
I Dated Sam Heughan
It started when I saw the posts from Sam Heughan addressing bullying. I felt bad for him and could empathize. So, I took to Instagram and sent him a brief note of support. Then I got bored. What follows is me in my boredom. (All is in fun and meant solely for entertainment. I hope you enjoy this because I know he will never see it).
By Traci E. Langston6 years ago in Humans
All of the Men Who Have Wronged Me
I guess you could say I'm a pretty average college student. I'm 21 years old, I'm a music major and I love being in college. One thing that a lot of people find unusual however, is the fact that I have never had an official "boyfriend". As a result, I've had quite a few very strange run-ins so far in my life and they're really quite funny, so I figured I'd share them all with you.
By Rosalynd6 years ago in Humans
Playing Games In Bed Has Its Benefits
You won’t believe what happened to me now. I got such a fright last night, I nearly had a heart attack. When it was all over, I thought to myself, I must share this with others.
By Conny Manero6 years ago in Humans
Wheelchair=Excuse?
Before we get right into the story, I think it's best to let everyone know that I am a wheelchair user courtesy of former friends who thought I should "loosen up" (it involved garbage, a large fall, a butterfly net, and pigeons) and this story takes place while I was still a wheelchair user. In my junior year of high school, I was taking a gym class for the sake of earning credits. Before, my anxiety was my strength and my weakness, but one I could no longer use my legs, well, it's pretty much the same, but I had to be helped back into the wheelchair after falling out during a panic attack. On the plus side, I shared the class with the stunning and strong thespian, Roman Prince, with whom I was in a relationship with.
By Monique Star6 years ago in Humans
Unsolicited “Junk” Mail
Veronica Stanley was your textbook head over heels, reach for the moon, romantic. She grew up on the fairytale ideas of a perfect prince that would charm her and they would live happily ever after, and the whole nine yards. Unfortunately for Veronica, she grew up in the time of Tinder, and not the time of mystical lands. Tinder was a whole world of men at her disposal, Veronica downloaded the online dating app on the premise of fun and fun alone, a way to pass the time and put guys in their place who use corny, gag-worthy pick up lines.
By victoria perciasepe 6 years ago in Humans
Receiving gifts is more stressful than it is fun
Although most people enjoy receiving gifts, I find it very stressful. When people give me gifts, it's always awkward when I open it, and I don't like it. I feel like I have to pretend that I love it to avoid anyone becoming offended. It's very stressful having to fake a reaction so that whoever got me that random gift will think I loved it and so that they will feel pleased with themselves. Also, there's always a crowd of family or friends watching me so that they can see my reaction when I open a gift and when I don't like the gift or am confused about why somebody would get me that, I have to fake a reaction so that nobody thinks I'm being ungrateful or disrespectful. Another thing that makes it stressful is the pressure that I need to be appreciative of the gift, whether it's what I wanted or not. I can't let anybody think that I didn't like it. Similarly, It is stressful when somebody gets me money or gift cards in a card. When I open the card, I have to pretend to read the card and thank the person who gave it to me, and it can become awkward because I already saw the money and I have to act surprised and super grateful even though I already knew what it was since it was in an envelope. It also becomes an uncomfortable situation when everybody wants to know what the card said because if I just glanced over what the card said and took the money, I have to reread the card, and then everybody knows that I just wanted to get the money. That's why I always have to make sure I read the card carefully, just in case anybody tries to ask me what it said. It's also stressful when I can't tell who's name is written on the card or the gift because I know that I need to thank everybody for the gifts so when I open it and can't read who it's from, I have to try and guess who it's from and when I get it wrong and thank the wrong person, it becomes very awkward. It's also stressful after everybody leaves and I'm left with a bunch of random cards. I never know if I should hold onto them longer or just throw them away because I know I'm never going to read them again but I always feel guilty throwing them away so soon. And I'm not trying to say that I don't enjoy receiving gifts from people, I just find it very stressful having to deal with showing appreciation and excitement in front of everybody, especially when I have to fake my excitement about a gift. Another thing that makes gift-receiving stressful is when somebody gets me clothes or jewelry that I know I will never wear. It's stressful because I know that they think I like it and expect me to wear it because after a while they're going to realize that I've never worn it and that makes me feel really bad because I know that they're probably really disappointed that I didn't like what they picked out for me. Overall, receiving gifts makes me stressed because of how I’m expected to react in the moment.
By Lauren6 years ago in Humans
All the Possible Trajectories of a Frozen Brownie
Sometimes the weirdest things can spark a memory. A little while ago, I just started the biannual-once-in-a-blue-moon-leap-day cleaning of my room and I came across a wadded up white bakery sack. Now you might say, "But Howard, (which would be super-strange, because I haven't introduced myself yet) how can a crummy old cupcake wrapper bring back memories?" Well, to make a short story terribly long…
By Kevin Plumb6 years ago in Humans
Your 2020 Guide to All Things Annoying. Top Story - February 2020.
Look, let’s get straight to it. We don’t have enough time anymore. Between keeping up with the voting habits of celebrities and participating in the latest viral internet trends, there’s not a lot of room left for us to get to the bottom of a lot of really serious issues. Unless it’s compacted and served via drive-thru, there really isn’t any way to stay up to date on the inexcusable things people are getting up to in the world. Hence, I humbly present The Official 2020 Guide to All Things Annoying.
By Ryan Shulman6 years ago in Humans
Press 4 to hear your account balance
*You already know it’s going to be a bad day. You can just feel that black cloud hovering over your head, eager to drown any positive thoughts that may break through your miasma of negativism.
By Frank Racioppi6 years ago in Humans
The Eczema Unawareness Project (short story)
forty four days from release I stand in a small, excessively air-conditioned audition room. The tiles and walls are a lifeless gray color, and to the back of the room sits the only furniture in the space: a bendable table and three folding chairs.
By Dylan Dames6 years ago in Humans
Frozen Toes
My feet had been numb for over an hour, but according to my flatmate, it was too early to turn the heating on. If anyone would like to write a dissertation on people’s responses to the cold, Edinburgh is the place to be. Frosty Saturday morning. You’re chilling on the bus listening to some tunes and boom! A woman walks in wearing flip flops and a skirt without tights. I wonder what kind of protein milkshakes she might be drinking. Party outfits are also intriguing, but let’s go back to the former-human-now-ice-cube version of myself.
By Mireia Prats6 years ago in Humans