Yuge

My former Americans,

Over the last two years, I have tried to make this country…well, you already know that, don’t you. All those hats and flags and t-shirts and the other things you do to show that you really believe in what that great nation can be… Could be… Would be…

So, I’m out.

You have probably heard so many different stories and lies from the fake news media (even from Fox News and Newsmax now – sad!), but I’m going to make it clear exactly what happened over the long weekend we just had (all those veterans and soldiers honoring themselves and the nation). A real disappointment to have to do this.

My plane, a wonderful gift from the Qataris, was stopped in mid-flight as I was preparing to bring it to the United States (I can still call it “United” I believe). I was on the tarmac when I was told that the government wanted to speak to me. And after long discussions with the Qatari royal family and some of the members of their proud military – wonderful people all around – I have decided to step down as president of the nation. I know that this is a great surprise and disappointment to many of you – millions of you – and it was a surprise to me, too. But, sometimes you will face a moment in your life when the choices are so clear. That is what I faced as I left the airport and found myself driven to one of the many homes owned by the family. And did you know that Qatar is such a small place that they have set up their own laws and have their own culture and habits, too? Look them up on a map! Absolutely amazing (I will have to do some research on this with all of my free time)!

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Now, this is for all the lies and liars out there. I have heard so many lies from the radical left, and even from the right about what is true or false. All fake news (even you Fox News! Newsmax!)! I really do not understand what happened to those fine organizations, or to Truth Social (why did so many of you leave?). And since the questions will arise, I will handle this here: no, I do not know what happened to my vice-president, various members of staff, or the crew of the plane. I refuse to believe all of the nasty rumours about torture and forced statements, and the family has informed me that the VP is just fine. He is a good man, and his wife and children deserve better than to imagine that he is locked away in some undisclosed site in the middle of the desert with no clean water, food, or contact with the outside world or anyone who knows his condition. Just shameless! And my staff will be back to their jobs as soon as possible. The family has made it clear that there are security issues that they had not considered until the plane was available. As I said, they have their own customs and habits. An amazing group of people and a very fine family.

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My own personal family is doing just fine and is quite happy with this change in my status. My boys will run 40% of my company, or companies (this will be determined at a later date; recovery of the steaks, school, and pharmaceuticals is imminent!). My daughter has decided to move on with her life and start over with a new man (she is so much like me; still think that we would have made a great couple; another world and another time). If she really wants to be a Canadian citizen and marry one of them, that is her business (they have already taken a few states, so this does not surprise me; very sneaky nation up there). And my wife, my beautiful wife, has been in continual touch with the Qataris and any of the people available for discussion about me. She has made it her business to make sure that I am secure and safe, often asking if there is even the slightest possibility of me returning to our old home. Such a concerned and loving woman any man would be happy to have (just stay away from those Canadians!).

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I have heard that there was an emergency vote and that a new government has been installed in the remains of the capitol. Trash and lies! How could anyone think that a vote that fast could be fair? How could anyone think that an unqualified celebrity media star young woman could run such a great nation? From the information given to me by the family here, the vote was not even close and did not take more than one ballot with the House and Senate weighing in. All my good work gone to hell in a hand basket, and I am now tempted to return and make things right. Life goes on and so do I.

Stay positive, do not cry, and enjoy the memories of my near-two full terms of leadership through the fentanyl crisis, COVID, illegal immigration, the attempt on my life, and the trade war (we almost won that one, didn’t we?).

Anyway, I will miss you all, and as I finish another cup of cofefve coffee, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

All the best, folks,

Your Favorite President

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You can find more poems, stories, and articles by Kendall Defoe on my Vocal profile. I complain, argue, provoke and create...just like everybody else.

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