Covering a Pimple in 15ish Simple Steps

We’ve all been there. Tucked under our covers, peacefully asleep like a sweet cherub, when a nightmare creeps in.

In this nightmare, you’re standing at a mirror, staring at your reflection, when, all of a sudden, your skin starts to bubble. Somewhere in the deepest layers of your dermis, a demon has awoken. It’s stretching, clawing, trying to break through your pores and into the world; to haunt everyone and everything who comes into contact with it.

In your nightmare, you scream and break the mirror, running as fast as you can. Only, you can’t get away. Everywhere you turn, a new mirror appears, and, in each reflection, you can see the demon bursting forth. It’s ready to make your life a living hell, ready to use your face as a vessel for what it does best: killing confidence. You make one last final attempt to free yourself, sprinting away with your eyes closed when…

You wake up in a cold sweat. Phew. Just a dream. What a relief.

But then, something tickles your cheek. It begins to throb. You realize the nightmare you just had about a painful, swollen demon lurking under your skin was not a dream, but a premonition.

You touch your cheek and realize that, alas, the acne gods have graced you with a beautiful new cyst baby. This unwanted visitor will attract wandering eyes and obnoxious questions about your diet and hygiene.

You must, therefore, engage in a very specific ritual to ensure you leave the house in tip-top shape:

Step 1: Thrash around angrily in bed, preparing yourself for the upcoming battle. Don't forget to curse all the junk food you ate last week and that one night you slept in makeup because you were too tired to wash it off.

Step 2: Check yourself out in the bathroom mirror. Yikes.

Step 2a: Check yourself out in the hallway mirror in case the lighting is different. Double yikes.

Step 2b: Check yourself out in your phone camera.

Step 2c: Throw away your phone.

Step 3: Apply ice as you sage yourself. That’ll get rid of the toxins, right? Pray to the clear skin gods that the bump goes away as fast as it arrived.

Step 4: Head back to the bathroom, determined, and wash your face. Scrub hard in the hopes that the aggression will erase this mark of hormonal betrayal.

Step 5: Look in the mirror at your bright red mess of a face.

Step 6: Cry.

Step 6a: Yell aloud dramatically: “WHY MEEEEE?!” Then fall to your knees.

Step 6b: Get back up.

Step 7: Slather on moisturizer. Seriously, just spackle it on. How much worse could it get, right?

(the answer: a lot worse.)

Step 8: Throw some primer on to reduce the oil slick on your skin. Curse aloud when the primer sinks into your enlarged pores, making you look just like a Lichtenstein painting.

Step 9: Debate whether you should actually just do your makeup like a Lichtenstein.

Step 9a: Seriously consider doing your makeup like a Lichtenstein.

Step 9b: Search YouTube for Lichtenstein makeup tutorials.

Step 10: Decide against it and apply foundation.

Step 10a: And more foundation.

Step 10b: And more.

Step 10c: Even more.

Step 10d: Just a little more…

Step 11: Look in the mirror and decide it doesn’t look THAT bad.

Step 12: Smile.

Step 13: Look closer and notice another bump has cropped up on your other cheek.

Step 14: Scream.

Step 14a: Threaten your reflection. When it doesn’t respond, scream again.

Step 15: Leave your house brandishing a foundation wand as a weapon, ready to stab anyone who comments on your breakout.