I Have 950 Books to Read and I May Be Going Blind

I have always had a lot of books. I still have the books that my mother read to me, starting when I was a newborn just home from the hospital, lovingly stored in a large keepsake chest in my attic eaves. Whenever I was asked what I wanted for a birthday present or at Christmas time, even in my Easter basket, it was always books. I still have my childhood copies of Charlotte’s Web, The Trumpet of the Swan and Stuart Little, sold as a set at our local grocery store in the 1970’s, on my current bookshelves. I can’t remember a time when books (second only to dogs) weren’t the center of my universe. They were my primary form of entertainment, my source of all knowledge, my only friends. This hasn’t changed very much.

In the last several years I’ve noticed that my eyesight has gotten considerably worse. (And that’s saying something, because I got my first pair of glasses when I was nine years old.) I transitioned to contact lenses when I was sixteen, visiting my eye doctor yearly, always needing a stronger prescription.

My glasses and contacts have been for distance so, when I started having difficulty seeing and reading up close around five years ago, I was understandably concerned. But my optometrist told me that it was just age, that most people in their early 40's found themselves needing to wear reading glasses, it happens to us all eventually, just buy a pair of reading glasses, it’ll be fine.

Now I’m not usually a vain person. I had spent seven years wearing glasses before the saving graces of contact lenses. But I was not having it. I refused to wear reading glasses. I wouldn’t even buy a cheap pair at the dollar store.

As a result, I wasn’t able to read as much as I was used to for close to four years. I could read more during the day if it was lighter outside and of course, I could hold my book closer … then further away … closer … then further away … closer … you get what I’m saying. If the day was dull and once it got dark out, I couldn’t read a thing. Oh, but I was stubborn! I carried on in this miserable way until last October, when headaches and double vision hit me hard, I admitted defeat and finally got myself a pair of reading glasses.

I didn’t expect miracles from my new reading glasses, but I was happy to actually see what I was reading. However, I was still suffering from headaches and double vision and I wasn’t able to read for the long periods of time that I had been used to. I wanted to kick myself for the years that I had been too stubborn to wear the damn glasses. I had only myself to blame for my worsening eye problems…or so I thought.

My yearly trip to my eye doctor, to whom I happened to mention my ongoing vision problems, led to more extensive testing which led to a diagnosis of Diabetic Retinopathy and the possibility I could go blind one day. My first thought after hearing my diagnosis? What the hell was I supposed to do with all my books?

As I previously mentioned, I have always had a lot of books. And now, after four decades of acquiring nearly every book of interest I could get my hands on, I had a very lot of books. (At last count I was getting close to 950 physical books of all subjects and genres.) I was already having serious difficulty reading them even with the aid of my reading glasses. Now it seemed all they would do was sit and gather cobwebs…and I have never liked to dust.

My second thought, after my looming book crisis, was a well known Would You Rather question:

Would I rather be deaf? Or would I rather be blind?

We’ve all asked and answered our fair share of Would You Rather questions, I’m sure. I was positive that I knew what I would rather in every situation, but now it seemed that one of the biggest questions was being answered for me. There is a sort of beauty in knowing the answer. If I lose my eyesight, if I am left partially or fully blind, I will be mourning a loss of sorts. (I know it’s not the same, but until I put my contact lenses on when I wake up in the morning, I can’t see much now.) But I will remember what those I love looked like and those memories will always be mine. Sight helped create the memories but it won’t take them away if it eventually fades.