Do You Really Mean What You Say?

I wrote a poem last month called “With This Ring”

With this ring I thee wed

To honour and to hold,

To live a life until the end

Until we both grow old.

💍💍💍💍

I promise I will do my best

To always be there for you,

Many times, I will be put to the test

And I always want to come through.

💍💍💍💍

If you are sad, sick, or unwell

I will be the one to lean upon,

I’ll do my best to make things well

Build a future we can lean upon.

💍💍💍💍

From this day on, our love will grow

Built on respect and loyalty, too,

These things I want you to know,

This is my promise to you.

💍💍💍💍

I was thinking about marriage when I wrote it. My marriage, in fact. Well, all three of them, to be precise. Unfortunately, they have all ended, and I am guessing that after three tries, it must have something to do with me.

I have also been bombarded with trailers for a program about to start on TV called “Married at First Sight”. Strangers are matched by relationship experts.

They meet for the first time at the altar. There, they take part in an unofficial commitment ceremony. The couples navigate their wedding and honeymoon. Each week, while living together, they decide whether to stay in the experiment.

• To honour and to hold
• To always be there for you
• If you are sad, sick, or unwell.
• I will be the one to lean upon
• From this day on, our love will grow

We enter marriage with rose-coloured glasses. We intend for it to be everlasting. We want it to always be wonderful, but how often does that really turn out?

In the United States, researchers estimate that 40% to 50% of first marriages and 60% of second marriages end in divorce.

Divorce rates vary widely. They are highest in countries like:

• Portugal (up to 94%)
• Spain (84%)
• Luxembourg (79%)

In contrast, India has a very low rate of about 1%.

Statistics show that divorce is more common in couples who marry before 18. About 40% of these couples divorce within 10 years. In contrast, those who marry after 25 have a lower divorce rate.

Experts note an interesting fact: first marriages fail 40-43% of the time. In contrast, second marriages have a failure rate of 60% or more. That’s a 20% increase. So if you marry for the third time, maybe you have only a 20% chance that it will work. By the fourth marriage, statistically, you have no chance!!!

Of course, reality doesn’t work that way. I was married to my first wife for about 8 years, my second for about 2, and my third for 26.

At the time of my first marriage, I was naive. The second marriage, if I am honest, was driven by a rebound reaction. It wasn't until the third marriage that I got it right. I really wanted it to happen. She was the lover of my life.

I won’t go into all the gaudy details of why they didn’t work; suffice it to say, they didn’t. What I can say is that in each case, I meant (at least at the time) what I said in my wedding vows. As the poem above expresses, however, they can be a pretty tough set of criteria to live up to, from both sides.

What we don’t realise at the time is that life is going to get in the way of the fairy tale. Life will throw so many curveballs in a relationship. Extra-marital affairs may seem like an obvious reason for the downfall of a marriage. It can reach 55%, signalling a breach of trust and a physical betrayal.

Often cited as the number one reason is a lack of commitment. This is reflected in statistics as high as 73% in some countries. Poor communication, trust issues, and a lack of connection can lead to apathy in marriage. This often leads to giving up.

Many other reasons can also contribute to a marriage. That promise made during marriage often fades when things get tough.

We all have good intentions on the day we get married. Maybe more marriages would succeed if couples revisited their vows regularly. I regret the failure of my last marriage. I have, however, not given up on my commitments and still try my best to honour them.

If you’re getting married, really think about what you’ll say and do. Make sure you mean it. Your commitment will face many challenges.

Till next time,

Calvin